Grace-thing

update

2010-08-30T19:43:00.000-07:00

Well Mompriest at Seekingauthenticvoice checked in to see how I was doing. I'm sure no one is reading this since it's been 9 months since my last blog post! Mompriest, I'll just write this to you since you were kind enough to think of me after all this time! So kind of you. I hope you are well. I'll have to catch up on your blog to find out!

I am very well. Much change. After my official entering of the diocesan process last year, it became clear to me (finally) that it just wasn't the time to be pursuing ordination, let alone grad school. But I needed to come to that decision, to that clarity, on my own terms. So I sat with that realization for a while, letting it just be, before I officially pulled out of the process. It felt right. I felt the pull of my young family too strongly. I didn't want to miss all those moments and I didn't want to put more strain on the family and my marriage. So after all that, I became pregnant with our third child! How's that for a change? I'm due in January with another girl.

And so I navigate these changes...often wonder if I did the right thing, but all I can do is trust and move forward and breathe. I truly feel surrounded by the feminine divine as of late, and that is wonderful.

I trust God will make it clear to me when and if I should re-enter the process.

Thanks so much for thinking of me...

Grace-Thing

Thanksgiving

2009-11-24T08:00:00.000-08:00

Some snippets from life this week:

* My daughter (4 year-old) is sitting in a patch of sunlight on my bedroom floor. She is looking at objects that she calls "treasures" and I call "sacred objects." We used to have an altar where we put things from nature or anything else that helped us feel close to God or anything else... But the altar shelf fell out of the wall and the objects have since been in a little box in my closet. But she recently rediscovered them and I blissfully hid in the hallway listening to her squeaky voice moan a song. She was making it up and it was a prayer..."Maaaaaary, Jeeeeeesus, Mary was saaaad when Jesus died, Gooooooood, etc etc, other unitelligible moanings." Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo precious.

* I've been so relieved about my interview being over, that I haven't been that ruffled by the fact that we're moving in 10 days and my in-laws are arriving tonight and staying for a week and I'm hosting a Thanksgiving dinner for 13 on Thursday.

* I've been playing a game with my daughters that has proven to be a wonderful spriritual practice for all of us. When we have an hour during the day, I let one of them be the navigator. We just drive and at each intersection, she gets to say "Turn Left" or "Go Straight"...and we go slowly and it's amazing where we end up. I've discovered parts of our city I never knew existed. And the BEST part is we ALWAYS happen upon something magical and serendipitous...it's crazy. We just happen to find this gorgeous park , hidden in a neighborhood. And whenever we find the special place, we get out and explore. It's so amazing where my little girls ' intuition or sense of adventure take us!!!!! I will keep doing this for a while. Learning many good lessons.

Grateful for health and for home, for food and for family. For the mountains and for the ocean. Amen

It's over!!!!!!!!!!! for now.....

2009-11-12T18:32:00.000-08:00

Well, I met with the bishop today. Thanks be to God, it's is OVER. And it was no big deal. Well, it was a huge deal, but it was mercifully short and I was completely myself. It went well. He had intentionally not read my file, so I was making a true first impression. No pressure!! (ha ha) but it was good and I am filled with relief. For now.

Just had to share.

deep breaths

2009-10-06T21:38:00.000-07:00

Well...I haven't blogged all summer. It really was a great summer. Lots of traveling and family time. And of course Iona being a huge highlight...a beautiful, peaceful place indeed. So here I am...discernment committee done as of March, report finally written, and I have an official date to interview with the bishop. And I am so overcome with anxiety that I am, yes it's true, wearing a holter monitor on my body right now!! jeez, I can't believe it. Now, I've always been a bit of a hypochondriac. I often suspect something's physically wrong with me when I'm perfectly healthy. So this latest manifestation is that I think something is wrong with my heart. Of course, nothing is wrong with my heart. But I get so worked up and have been having anxiety attacks. Now, it's not all about meeting with the bishop There are many things going on in my life that can contribute to this recent bout of anxiety. We are moving houses in November. I'm very excited about this, but moving is moving. We're also back to the fall schedule and my husband is gone a lot and is very busy. I also flew in a lot of airplanes this summer and it just makes me tense. So I know it can all add up sometimes. Not to mention this crazy world and I can't bear to watch the news right now. I just seem to be letting the world in and it's stirring me up more than usual. So that's what's going on. Once I have the official news from the doctor that I'm fine, I know some of this anxiety will abate. Cause I've gotten in a cycle of worry right now and that info will break the cycle. But I still have this ol' bishop interview looming. He's just a person. But I've been putting this off for so long that the thought of finally going for it has me in a complete tizzy. Luckily, God has surrounded me with support. And I feel it and am so grateful. But still not sure how I'm going to be able to drive all the way there and actually stay somewhat composed in front of his huge presence and intensity. So. I'm showing up. I'm going to go. God will be with me. And that has to be enough. It is. Just got to get it over with.

Preaching Done, Packing Begun

2009-06-02T06:29:00.001-07:00

Phew! I'm swimming in a sea of relief and it feels wonderful. I preached my first sermon Sunday. What a day. It went great! What courage it takes to step up to that pulpit and offer a homily. I appreciate the work so many of you do so regularly! But it was a great experience and I feel good about it and glad it's over! I felt so supported in prayer, so thank you to those of you who were praying. I have sensed the Spirit with me lately and I will continue to lean into her and trust her.

I leave for England tomorow! Prayers for safe travel. I'm a nervous flyer, especially on those nighttime trans-Atlantic flights and I'll have my little ones with me without husband.

Then to Iona in a few weeks!

I feel blessed to be part of this community. Your words are a constant companion.

Deja Vu

2009-05-09T07:27:00.001-07:00

We are evacuated for the second time this year due to wildfire. It is surreal. It was surreal the first time, but re-living it is somewhat worse. Although we are under mandatory evacuation, I'm not that worried about our home. I'm worried about a community that was just healing from the November fire. It's just too soon and we're not ready for this trauma upon a trauma. My heart goes out to this city...to all the people (30,000) who are displaced. Everything has been cancelled, on hold, and yet some things continue...very bizarre. We're in a hotel and the girls are having fun...too young to really get the impact of what's going on. We watch a little news and they've seen images, but they feel safe. Plus they get to stay up late and watch Sesame Street in the morning and hang out by the pool. There was a benefit scheduled tonight to raise money for a beloved monastic community that lost their home in the last fire. The irony is deep and all around. I'm trying to stay positive. I just hate not being able to go home. I'm trying to think of it as a forced vacation, but it's hard. I know all will be well. But we just had our house painted on the inside to get the smoke smell out from the last fire. Hmmm...maybe it's time to move from this beautiful place that is just too fire prone.

It was Love that wrote this play

2009-05-03T07:26:00.000-07:00

Snippets from my Sunday morning:

- puppy barking at something invisible outside.
- girls on the floor behind me playing with their toy jewelry.
- husband sleeping in.

Sounds pretty peaceful. And it is. But I've been so anxious lately. Like the air around me that I breathe in is full of static anxiety. Sometimes I get this way. Maybe it's just that I'm breathing in the collective anxiety that is so pervasive in the media...our world is in fear and anxiety. It's hard to not let it get to you. But the thing is, most of my moments are not anxious at all. If only I could live more in the moment. It's so easy, really! ;)

A few nights ago I took Husband on a date to hear David Wilcox sing live in a nearby town. He's one of my favorites. And he's completely different live. It's his gift. He doesn't just get up there and sing songs....he PRESIDES. Seriously. It's his priesthood. He is completely connected to God through his guitar and through his music and he bravely and vulnerably opens himself up to that Spirit, and it overflows onto us, the audience. It was healing. And I needed it! I've been walking around my days with my ipod listening to his music and using it like a talisman against this anxious air. There's one song, in particular, that made me weep as I listened. I'll post the lyrics which will fall short without the music...not at all the same, but nonetheless, here they are:

You say you see no hope,
you say you see no reason we should dream,
that the world would ever change.
You’re saying love is foolish to believe
‘cause there’ll always be some crazy
with an army or a knife
to wake you from your day dream,
put the fear back in your life…

Look, if someone wrote a play
just to glorify what’s stronger than hate,
would they not arrange the stage
to look as if the hero came too late?
He’s almost in defeat,
it’s looking like the evil side will win,
so on the edge of every seat,
from the moment that the whole thing begins,

It is Love who mixed the mortar
and it’s Love who stacked these stones
and it’s Love who made the stage here
although it looks like we’re alone
in this scene set in shadows
like the night is here to stay
there is evil cast around us
but it’s love that wrote the play…
For in this darkness Love can show the way

So now the stage is set.
You feel you own heart beating in your chest.
This life’s not over yet.
And so we get up on our feet and do our best.
We play against the fear.
We play against the reasons not to try
We’re playing for the tears burning in the happy angel’s eyes

For it's Love that mixed the mortar...etc.

Ready to be Ready

2009-04-23T17:15:00.000-07:00

The title says it all. I'm tired of discerning. I'm tired of being wishy washy. It's just my personality to never stop weighing all sides...at some point ya just need to take a step. So my discernment committee is done (recently), they're writing their report and I'm taking the next step towards the diocese. It's right. I think I'm just afraid. And I need to do it anyway. I feel good about it. And worse case scenario is painful, but survivable, ya know? I don't plan to begin seminary for at least a year and a half, maybe two and a half, cause of the age of my youngest.

I'm preaching in a few weeks for the first time. Anxious about it. But again, it's a good step and one that just needs to happen. when a door opens, you just have to say yes. But YIKES. I feel this pressure since everyone knows I plan to get ordained. And I know it's not about me. It's about the spirit and the scripture and the moment but still.....kinda terrifying.

My husband is traveling for 3 weeks soon to do some teaching and I'll be home with the girls. Then we'll join him for 21/2 weeks. Then he flies home and I get to go to Iona in Scotland with my best friend. Woooooooo hoooooooooo. I don't really believe this is going to happen. But apparently it is.

I have met recently some role models of mothers with young children being priests. It is inspiring. And I don't feel so alone and confused.

I'm going to be B R A V E.

Other than that, life is good. Puppy is good, though I've been lazy training her. I need to prioritize this cause I want a good doggie! And I enjoy her so much more when she's behaving herself. She's almost 5 months now.

heavenly music

2009-03-08T23:44:00.000-07:00

I just returned from a wonderful choral concert. When I was first invited, I wasn't that excited to go. I have memories of being pretty bored in too long choral concerts. But this was a good reminder of how wonderful it can be. It didn't hurt that we were up front and very close to the orchestra and the singers. It was Mozart's Requiem in the first half, but it was the second half that I really loved. Have any of you heard of Lauridsen's "Lux Aeterna"? Beautiful beautiful contemporary requiem. Truly heart movingly gorgeous. It was interesting to note the differences in tone of the two musical pieces. Mozart's piece is full of fear...Lord save me from the fires of hell. Eternal damnation. Please please have mercy on me. But Lauridsen's focuses on the miracle of the Light of Christ coming to the world. Of the beautiful mercy and hope. Very interesting.

Jesus silhouette

2009-03-07T07:10:00.000-08:00

Wow. My last post was December 14th, 2008, and even that one was after spotty blogging. I'm not sure why I am so resistant lately to blogging. Not sure.

This has been quite a time. And yet, from the outside, life has continued as usual. My daughters continue to grow in beautiful ways; I go about my daily tasks as always...but it has been a deep time of discernment. And in thinking back with the calendar, I am dumbfounded that I have been in "discernment" for years now. Sometimes I think if it takes me this long to discern a call, then it's not a call. But on the other hand, it's just taking me time. It's like I have to shed some layers and grow some new ones before I can take the next step. My committee has stuck with me all along.

The latest conversation we had was the age-old "process" question of what do you need to DO that you can't DO unless your ordained. This way of phrasing the question is impossible for me to answer. Because my sense of call to the priesthood is much more about personhood...about BEING a priest more than DOING priestly duties. Of course, I am drawn to the priestly duties, yes, but this is not my way of expressing the call. But people seem to harp on this.

I've also been in therapy and it's been uncomfortable but good. I think. It is very hard for me to be real and not self-conscious in the room with her. I know this is normal, but it is squirmy time.

But I've been doing a lot more work in my particular church and it's been wonderful! Full of joy and challenge and creativity. But it's not enough. I have the opportunity of preaching on pentecost and I think I have to say yes, but SCARY!!!!!!!!!! I know it's not about me. Most certainly not. But when everyone knows I'm discerning a call to the priesthood, it's hard to just do the job up there and not try to come across "well."

We are still in the aftermath of the november fire, but all is fine. Just still dealing with insurance companies and an inept dry cleaning company that lost a lot of our things. But they're just things.

I miss reading the blogs of others and I look forward to doing that again. I'm going to try.

We just had a wonderful intergenerational beginning of Lent. We were tired of the separation of "adult ed" and the "children ministries" so we combined them. It was a big experiment...will the children be bored? distracting? distracted? Will the adults be engaged? Will anyone show up who isn't a parent. and it worked! We played around with the parables, acting them out in different ways...improvisationally on stage, in small groups of threes....it was just great. And we had a huge silhouette of Jesus up at the front where people were invited to place post-its with questions. There were no answers given, of course. But the community posted there questions on the silhouette of Jesus and then we broke bread. That's church, isn't it?

Gifts at my doorstep

2008-12-14T18:38:00.000-08:00

One of the things that has come of the fire, is that we have many many empty boxes from all the stuff that was taken out of our house, dry-cleaned, then returned to us folded and smoke-free. One of my daughters' favorite games is taking one of the big boxes, putting it on our doorstep, and climbing inside. They're both small enough so they actually fit, like little sardines. Then I come into the room and say loudly to my husband, "Honey, there's a big box on our doorstep. Do you know what it is?" Then I open it and behold, there are two gorgeous little girls pretending to be babies who have been sent from the "orphanage." Then I exclaim with delight and take them into my arms and show them their new home. "Oh my! What beautiful little girls! Can we be your new family? Can we love you and cuddle you and help you grow up?" "Yes!" they exclaim in baby voices that sound slightly demented. Then I show the around their new home. It's the best game. ever. And it makes me realize as I open the big cardboard box, what a huge gift they are!

Catapulted into the Present

2008-12-03T20:37:00.000-08:00

Wow, has it been quite a few weeks. I haven't blogged in forever. Basically, I live right smack dab in the middle of one of the neighborhoods heavily hit during the recent southern California wildfires of a few weeks ago. Unbelievably, our house was spared. You cannot believe how close the flames came and how random the fire was that night. Our next door neighbors' house burned to the ground. As well as the one kitty-corner. We have a street that is a small loop and 2/3rds of the homes burned down. We now live in a devastated neighborhood. But there is hope. So many of the families (we know all of them cause our commuity is all faculty who work at a nearby college) have been so lovingly cared for. It's amazing to see how our community has rallied to help. We've had to be out of our home for 16 days to clean it up, get the smoke smell out, and now I'm back and it feels like home again. The black hillside behind our home already has green things shooting through the ash. My daughters have to drive and walk by ruins of friends' homes every day, but they are resilient and they still feel safe. It's crazy how a crisis like this creates an immediate shift in perspective. My focus has shrunk to my little nest. It's all I want to focus on these days. And only now, do I feel my head coming up out of the water and being able to look around and remember past cares and responsibilities. I bought some new plants yesterday to replace the charred ones. I'm getting used to the sour burn smell in the air. I kind of like only having a few clothes, since the rest are at the dry cleaners. Thank God for insurance. Some didn't have it. So that's what's been going on. It's been a fascinating experience of being forced to live in the moment. We never knew when we'd be able to move back...we had to rely on the generosity of others...we stayed in 7 different places during those 16 days. We learned to find the sense of adventure and surrender and gratitude in all of it. But I had my grumpy stressed moments. And I learned about my attachment to things. The night I thought our house was gone, I told myself it would be okay. It's just stuff. I had my little family in my arms and safe and that's all that mattered. But when I discovered my stuff was all there, just smoky and dirty, I was relieved and guilty, then very burdened by it. Everything teeny thing had to be cleaned and it made me obsessive. Suddenly this stuff was feeling very heavy. So interesting, this whole journey. phew. Glad to be starting to move on. And then reading about Mumbai, etc...this world is just so fragile and unpredictable. I am catapulted into the present because anywhere else is too scary. And God is in that place. Thanks be to God.

little earthquakes

2008-10-02T13:00:00.000-07:00

Having some tectonic shifting. Man is it uncomfortable. But good. It's growth. Had a hard meeting with my rector. He morphed before my very eyes into "authority figure" and I panicked and my voice went out the window. shit. Thought I was over this. So he wants me to begin a time of therapy. I've been wanting to do this anyway. I felt on the hot seat. I spoke from my heart, but I gave voice to all the disqualifiers instead of all the courage and positive movement. I really tried. But I cried. And I let him intimidate me. So I need to deal with this now. Cause if I don't, I'll get eaten alive during the rest of the process. I had come to the point where I thought just being myself would be enough for someone to recognize my "call" but when I panic and worry about how I'm being assessed, it doesn't go so well.

So...that's where I am. I NEED TO FIND MY VOICE. WHY is this such a hard process? But it's exciting to realize that this is my task right now. To find that voice. And the the even harder work of letting that voice be VOICED. It has been finding its way in the soil and pushing toward the light. It really has. It has made significant progress. But there seems to be a rock sitting on top of the seedling just as is thought it was going to break through. I need to figure out what that rock is. It might just be a matter of time. And just continuing the work I'm doing. I have a supportive husband. And a wonderful discernment committee who is willing to stick with me for a little longer. And I have this wonderful blogging community. Thank you for your voices and for your listening hearts.

discernment blah blah

2008-09-25T19:37:00.000-07:00

Okay so here's where I am. I'm writing this to help me cause I have a meeting tomorrow and I definitely process things in writing. So FORGIVE me if I sound like a broken record. I know I do. And believe it or not, I actually think about other things besides discernment!! I just tend to blog about it all the time since it brought me to this blogging community which has been a wonderful support.

So...I've been meeting with my discernment committee for about a year. We've had a total of 7 meetings. They feel pretty ready to wrap up. They see a call. They're ready to support me. They now want me to tell them what I want. A good part of the year has been my articulating my hesitation and struggle to "own" this sense of call.

This year has been incredible. A lot of movement and discoveries and it all points to the possibility that ordination is the most fitting place for me to carry out my ministry. This won't surprise any of you who read my blog, but I feel like my discernment committee could meet forever. And I know that discernment never truly ends in life. But regarding this issue, I have to make a decision at some point. I've met with various mentors who all advise me in different ways. One says, "go for it now! Now is the time! The church needs you now." The other says, "you have time and don't give up your autonomy before you have to. Gather as much ministry experience as you can cause seminary doesn't let you do so in the same way." So what do I think?? I'm in a position of leadership (volunteer) at my church and it's a relatively new one and I am learning a ton. It is amazing experience for a future ministry. It's a current, vibrant ministry and I'm learning a lot and giving a lot and it is very joy-filled. And it makes me want to be a priest. If I start the diocesan process (meaning going beyond my committee and interview with the bishop and the commission on Ministry), I have less say. They'll have lots of ideas for my "formation." They could very easily send me to another church for a ministry study year before seminary. And I'm in such a good place right now. But it's a very very progressive church and it's not representative of the whole church.

And as I've written before, I hesitate to put it off any longer cause I'm almost 35. But I think I need to let that one go. If I let go of ego stuff and let go of the need to have a tidy package, it seems to make the most sense to stay where I am and continue discernment as I work in leadership at my church. And it would probably be easier to start commuter seminary once my youngest is in Kindergarten (in two years). And this is a question for my rector, but what happens if I end the discernment committee process and wait a while beforel I start the next official step. When does the committee submit the report so that it doesn't "hurt" me? I know I'm not the first one to have a break between congregational discernment and the interviews.

But then there's the other lightbulb I've had recently. Being a postulant doesn't mean discernment is completed. Being a postulant is only the very beginning. I've been thinking of it as the end. So I could just go ahead and just get all the scary stuff over with (cause it's heavily weighing on me) and then be a "postulant" and then just do what seems to make the most sense timing wise. But I'm not sure how much freedom I'll have as a postulant.

So there is my blah blah blah.
Thanks for listening.

the latest

2008-09-24T21:22:00.001-07:00

I seem to be beginning all my recent blogs this way, but I can't believe how much time has passed since I last blogged. It is representative of something, but I don't have enough distance to name it. Life is different and new right now. My eldest started kindergarten and woah is this an adjustment. I'm loving it. As is she. But she is utterly exhausted. It's funny, I am a huge believer in NOT over-scheduling and keeping things PEACEFUL and UNHURRIED, but it seems I have done just the opposite. So I'm in a period of re-evaluating and just trying to figure out this new phase, and juggling the needs of my youngest as well. But I'm loving this new phase. Just trying to carve out the quiet and space my older one so needs right now.

My discernment continues along at a steady pace and it seems to be buoyed along by a flow I'm not in control of. As long as I stay out of the way. At least, that's how it feels. I'm at a point where I need to make a decision as to the next step. And because I'm in the Episcopal church, the next step is planned out for me: an interview with the bishop. But my job is to determine when that happens. It happens this fall is when it happens. But I just don't know if I could do it without fainting. Anyway, we shall see. I meet with the rector in a few days to talk about it all. I'm praying. I'm trying to surrender.

all for now.

Friday Five

2008-08-29T18:33:00.001-07:00

Singing Owl over at Revgals hosts this week's Friday Five. Wow, haven't done this in a WHILE.

1. Tell us about the worst job you ever had.
Okay, the worst is a tie between being a first-time waitress at a cheesey corporate restaurant, and being an "optician's assistant" at my uncle's optometric office. Being his neice, he gave me responsibility that I probably shouldn't have had. Ah, the poor souls who had me to adjust their glasses or convince them which lens was the most suited to them. As for the waiting tables, I was HORRIBLE. Great at the social part, awful at the multitasking when it got busy.

2. Tell us about the best job you ever had.
Working at the Guthrie theater in Minneapolis. I acted in several plays there and it was a wonderful time and a wonderful place.

3. Tell us what you would do if you could do absolutely anything (employment related) with no financial or other restrictions.
be a priest in the Episcopal church. Or be a singer/songwriter and perform in coffee houses and small venues.

4. Did you get a break from labor this summer? If so, what was it and if not, what are you gonna do about it?
My break from labor came in the form of a week-long christian formation conference. The labor I had a break from was being a mom. The conference represented labor to some folks, but to me it was a SPA.

5. What will change regarding your work as summer morphs into fall? Are you anticipating or dreading?
Huge transition as husband goes back to work and children start school. I'm anticipating this very much. It feels like a new phase of life.

Bonus question: For the gals who are mothers, do you have an interesting story about labor and delivery (LOL)? If you are a guy pal, not a mom, or you choose not to answer the above, is there a song, a book, a play, that says "workplace" to you?

My labor with my second child went smoothly and quickly. I got to the hospital and informed the nurse that I most certainly wanted an epidural. BUT (and I didn't know this could happen) I got stuck between anesthesiologist shifts. The guy had two hours to come and I was DYING. I would have been fine mentally if I knew there was a chance of him not making it in time but I was not prepared mentally and I was not on top of the pain. By the time he FINALLY got there I was almost fully dilated but they felt so sorry for me that they gave it to me anyway. By the time they got it in (it took 3, yes 3, tries of that huge long epidural needle -- I apparently have unusually small "potential spaces" in between my vertebrae --it was time to push the baby out. Well...it wasn't going so well and the baby's heart beat started to drop and the doctor got out the vacuum thing AND literally shoved with all his might on top of my stomach in the attempt to get the baby out quick. Luckily he was a large man and he did the job. And all was well. Phew! Craziness.

Fall on the way

2008-08-28T09:30:00.000-07:00

Well it is the last days of summer. Especially since husband starts back with his teaching and my daughter begins Kindergarten. It has been a wonderful summer of spontaneity and traveling and now I'm ready for more routine and structure. This will be the first time in 6 years that I have 3 mornings a week to myself, as my little one will begin preschool. It's not that much time, but it is significant and I am a bit paralyzed by the possibilities. I suppose I'll calm down after a few weeks and not feel that it is so precious.

I'm reading a New Earth by Eckart Tolle. I resisted this for a long time because it seemed so pop new agey. I'm always suspicious of bestselling self help books. But I listened to a thoughtful interview with the author on Krista Tippett's speaking of faith and it made me want to read the book. I have found it very interesting. It's all about the ego and the unnecessary suffering our egos create in ourselves and others. Very thought provoking. Of course, I apply the concepts to my time of discernment and it feeds into my worry that the notion of priest is just an image-enhancing move for myself. But he says that awareness is the first step towards dissolving the ego, so perhaps my awareness of the ego needs of this vocation won't necessarily lead to its dissolution. It's still possible that priesthood is still the best use of my gifts and is truly linked to who I am. But it's also possible that it's not.

Other than that, I'm receiving pressure from the 3 other members of my little family to get a dog. They all really want one. But I'll be the primary care giver and I'm not too excited about the idea. Unless I can fall in love with the little guy. Hmmm....

belated blogging

2008-08-05T11:23:00.000-07:00

A few readers have gently emailed me and asked....hello, where are you, are you all right. I so appreciate these touchstones of checking in. Yes, I'm fine. I've been so utterly uninspired to blog. Why is that? Well, probably because I'm feeling a little stuck. And I'm feeling shy about writing freely. Not sure why, but the blogosphere feels suddenly un-anonymous and scary. There's nothing I'm hiding, it's just that for some reason the personal element of the sharing feels exposing instead of freeing, lately.

Having a great summer, regarding the family. Lots of good family time. I went to a wonderful conference where I met lots of other female priests...it was wonderful to hear so many different stories. And the conference itself was challenging and thought provoking and it was AMAZING to have 5 days to myself.

This coming week I'm going camping with my little family. My hubbie and I used to camp a lot before we had kids. This will be our first family camping trip and I'm really looking forward to it.

Regarding discernment, my next meeting is in two weeks and I haven't met with the committee since APRIL. They met with my husband in July, but I am feeling very out of touch with the whole process. The process continues internally, of course, but I wonder how our meeting will go. I'm feeling (as usual) ambivalent. Some days I want to start school next fall, some days I want to pause everything.

I'm learning the guitar and LOVING it. LOVING it. I'm having coffe house fantasies of being a local acoustic artist. hee hee. yeah right.

I just came home from a morning talk with a friend. She's depressed and frustrated about being a stay at home mom with ambitions outside the home. She's brilliant and gifted. She gets very down on herself when she feels grumpy. It's sinful, so she says, and that the only path is one of self-sacrifice and suffering. Jeez. I told her I just can't wrap my thoughts around that philosophy and she asked me to find a biblical model that says otherwise. harumph. I'm tired of the notion that we have to suffer and deny our every desire to be true Christians. I mean, of COURSE we suffer, we're human, but I truly believe God wants us to live abundant lives of joy.

Truth is in the Timing

2008-07-05T21:03:00.000-07:00

Well, the discernment meeting with my husband went well. They had fun and he felt comfortable and it sounds like it was very positive. He was able to share with them a lot more info about me than they knew...sometimes it takes a different person...I have a hard time talking about myself anyway. The biggest two things that seem to have come from the meeting (and they're related) are that my husband has reached new acceptance about the whole thing, which is MAJOR. And happened naturally...he doesn't remember the huge resistance, and he's grown into the idea. The committee saw this and felt like he wasn't as at odds with it as I had depicted it. But time has done its work. The meeting coincided with our anniversary week and he wrote me a card and on it he wrote that he was realizing that he had to share me with the world, and that he was a little sad about it, but that it felt good. Wow. I cried as I read that supportive and loving statement. So...more doors have opened. What remains is a LOT of work, regarding preparation for the hard questions that come AFTER the discernment committee. We've barely scratched the surface. But that's cause we've been dealing with my resistance and doubts, more than anything else. TIMING seems to be the biggest question for me right now. I want to be a young(ish) priest. But I have time. But if I take the time, I won't be young when I finally start the work. So we'll see.

As I write...

2008-06-29T20:47:00.001-07:00

As I write, my husband is meeting with my discernment committee. This is weird. But so good. Right now, they're all talking about...me. About my deepest dream. Feels scary. And feels right. I'm glad that he has a chance to ask questions, to share honestly about all this. But this is weird to not be part of the discussion...to not hear what everyone is saying is kind of killing me, but I know it's all good.

Tomorrow night we're celebrating our 9th anniversary and I'm surprising him by taking him to a fun camping spot...but not really camping...it's a cool safari-like yurt in a canyon by the beach and they bring you a barbecue kit with chicken and s'mores for dessert that you cook over the fire. Should be fun!! This will be the first time a babysitter stays overnight with the girls. (that is, someone who isn't a grandparent) Hope all goes well.

I need a role model. I mean, I have many many wonderful role models at Revgals, but I crave to know someone who has been in my spot...someone my age with kids the same age. I'd also love to hear other vocations of priesthood that aren't the typical parish priest full time model.

And what exactly does a deacon do? I know that the diaconate is an option, but I am quick to dismiss it because I feel that the priesthood is where I belong, but I can't dismiss it without knowing more. I just don't know any deacons. There aren't any in my church. At least, not that I know of.

Been reading a lot of interesting books lately: How (not) to Speak of God by Peter Rollins. Very interesting. I'm quite intrigued by this whole "emergent conversation". And also What does a Progressive Christian Believe by Delwin Brown. Annoying title, but it's proven to be a good read.

Haven't blogged much. I'm just feeling acutely aware of my shortcomings lately. I know this is growth and that it's okay, but I'm ready to get out of this phase.

Day 8

2008-06-08T19:54:00.000-07:00

So much for blogging every day. Oh well.

I'm hanging in there. Just had the sweetest bed time with the girls. We sang (one at the top of her lungs) a lullaby my mom taught them: May you always walk in sunshine, slumber warm when night winds blow. May you always live with laughter for a smile becomes you so, etc.

My brother came to stay over last night to "help out" and keep me company and he proceeded to get fall down drunk. sigh. He is getting worse. I'm not letting him stay over ever again. Unless he gets himself into recovery. I've been going to Al-Anon (for relatives of alcoholics)...both for how to deal with my brother, but also since I was raised in an alcoholic home and have some patterns I'm trying to change. This really is a time of growth and sometimes painful introspection. But I know it's all towards wholeness, healing and authenticity. And good parenting.

My sunflowers are already peeking their sprouts above the soil. That was fast!! Very satisfying.

Day Three

2008-06-03T20:27:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I'm feeling a little sheepish. For those of you reading this who are single parents, you're probably rolling your eyes. Perhaps it seems I'm making a big deal about having two weeks on my own, when many women are in this situation every day. But I'm not used to it, okay? AND, they're 3 and 5, neither of whom is in school.

Okay. I'm done. I was just feeling a little defensive. (Even though I'm not even responding to anyone). I'm silly.

My mom is here with me for 3 days. It's funny...now that I have company, I'm back to my old martyr shenanigans. I was stronger and more positive when I was on my own and had no one to complain to. interesting.

My older daughter has been getting up at dawn lately. I put a digital clock in her room and told her not to come out until the clock read 6 -3 - 0. She came into my room this morning and asked, "Mommy, what does 5-4-5 mean? (sigh)

I'm so excited about Obama!!!

My husband called me tonight from the top of the Empire State Building. Wow!

Good night.

Day Two

2008-06-02T20:44:00.001-07:00

Feelin a little tired. Highlights of the day:
Releasing ladybugs into our garden at dusk with the girls. Umm...I think I released too many. It's teeming right now and a little scary. They supposedly eat the harmful pests. We shall see.

Having a picnic with my youngest at a park, watching turtles swim and huge kobe fish go by.

Watching my eldest learn to swim! She swims! So amazing to me.

Feeling centered enough to not lose my patience during one of their many spats.

So, all in all, a good day. With wonderful moments interspersed with expected tensions.

I don't feel very loquacious tonight.

'night.

Day One

2008-06-01T21:18:00.000-07:00

Okay, just to make me a more consistent blogger, and because I have more time at night since hubby is away, I am committing to writing one entry for every 14 days I'm on my own with the girls. Just for kicks.

So, today went pretty well. Full of good stuff! Church this morning, then dropped the girls off for a playdate and I went with my friend to a local recording studio in town that offers free 20 minute recording sessions once a month. We recorded a favorite song and had a blast. Mind you, the result is far from stellar, but it was so much fun to sing and get it on a cd.

Then put the wee one down for a nap and my older one and I began planting a mini vegetable garden. Fun! We'll see if anything grows.

Talked to hubby and he is safely in NYC, happy as a clam.

I'd been having huge mood swings before he left. Glad he's gone so I can get on with this and now I'm excited for the two weeks and gee, he'd sure like me a lot better now. We've been married 9 years and we're at a point where things are just way too comfortable. I know this is natural, but I still struggle to be my best self with him. It seems lately I've been my worst. So right now (I know, I'll be singing a different tune come Day 10) I'm looking at these two weeks as a gift. How am I different with the girls when it's just me every day? How am I at home, in my everyday tasks. So far, I've been WAY more on top of things with him gone. But again, that's natural since I have to be now.

All for now. Bonne nuit.

Speaking of Faith

2008-05-20T21:21:00.000-07:00

My latest obsession is NPR's Speaking of Faith. (speakingoffaith.org), hosted by Krista Tippett, who I kind of want to be. She's an incredible interviewer. Anyway the one of the recent interviews was of Karen Armstrong...a controversial figure in some Christian circles, I believe...she subscribes to a "freelance monotheism." I liked some of her ideas....that theology should be like poetry; that when someone hears a theological idea, it should resonate within them like poetry, and inspire and move them deeply. She likes to think of religion as an art form....that we should take as great care with our rites and rituals as we do in writing a poem...that we should make our rituals absolutely beautiful and inspiring. I definitely echo these beliefs, but this is no surprise since I see such deep connection between ritual and theatre. Theatre was originally religious ritual.

What is happening to the world

2008-05-12T08:06:00.000-07:00

Just feeling dumbfounded this morning. What with Myanmar, and now the earthquake in China...it just seems out of control. How are we to respond to such devastation. Where is God in this? Just feeling tenuous this morning. So much pain in this world. And so little (really) in mine.

Latest

2008-05-09T19:32:00.000-07:00

WOW I'm a pathetic blogger. Sorry, to those of you who still read from time to time. And I'm grateful to you for continuing to check in and leave comments even with my sporadic posting.

Let's see...what's new? In transition...Husband is entering his summer professor time which is WONDERFUL because he's home more and I have so much more freedom, but definitely a transition because I don't realize how much the home is my territory until he's home more and it changes everything....parenting, space, cleaning, etc. But it's wonderful and I'm so lucky.

My little baby just turned 3. I am overjoyed and terribly nostalgic for the baby that is no more. sigh. She is so CUTE right now. So darn cute.

Discernment is continuing at its slow and steady pace. The committee is meeting with Husband next. Without me. This is good. We shall see what comes of it. It will be great for him. How I wish I could be a fly on the wall. And how grateful I am that I can't be!

Going to an out-of-town retirement barn dance party for Husband's father. Should be fun!

I heard about Sara Miles, author of Take This Bread (great book) doing a "This I Believe" on NPR. I want to listen to it.

that's all for now.

Sultry Sunday

2008-04-27T22:00:00.000-07:00

phew, it's hot today. Kind of nice. Spent the afternoon at the neighborhood pool with the girls. This weekend I took a step and actually went to a prospective student weekend at a seminary about two hours from here. It's not somewhere I envision myself going, but it is a possibility. Though not an obvious choice within my denomination. It's funny how relative it all is. Depending on who you ask, they think this seminary is "too conservative" or "too liberal." That is very funny to me. I'm still shocked by the sheer spectrum of theology in Christianity. It's mind-boggling. And sad. But then I think it's quite glorious that there are so many expressions through the church...as varied as all of humanity, it seems. It would be nice if there was a bit less divisiveness over it and less "us and them" thinking. The was very interesting and very helpful - it helped clarify how I actually might be an Episcopalian after all. And that felt good. To just have a teeny more clarity. I went with one of my favorite girlfriends and that was wonderful. I also found a cool conference this summer about Christian formation and youth ministry so I'm thinking about going to that. Husband leaves in June for two weeks and I'm feeling pretty okay about it but everyone now and then I start to panic...TWO WEEKS with the girls by myself??? But heck, it will be fine. I'll just have to make it fun. Let my 5 year old sleep with me, go out to eat, go visit friends....I'm going to try to look at this as an opportunity, but not quite there yet. I know two weeks isn't that long in the long run, but even 1 hour can seem endless with my little ones when they're not getting along.

Theatre of Cruelty

2008-04-20T19:32:00.000-07:00

So tonight we decided to have a "family meeting." After weeks of terrible sibling rivalry we decided to take matters into our own hands and try to be creative in our parenting. After all, the time-outs, threats, bribes and talks have not been working. So we lit candles, sang a song all together, and performed a little skit for our kids (ages 3 and 5). Well by the time our skit was over, both girls were in tears and hysterics. It was hilarious, actually. Are we really that good at acting? They thought what we acted out was horrible. In truth, it was merely what I've been witnessing from them over the past weeks. Guess it hit home! Then we talked about why they thought it was so sad and scary. And then, of course, we did a happy version and all was well. I'm getting excited about our Sunday night family theatre! As long as I don't send them into years of therapy in the future! :)

Waxing and Waning

2008-04-12T18:23:00.001-07:00

Feeling overwhelmed today. My discernment seems to be a constant swing of the pendulum between trust/inner knowing that I'm on the right path, and doubt and insecurity. I know this is normal to some extent. Yesterday at a party, Husband was asked for the first time by someone in public: "How do YOU feel about all this?" He gave a thoughtful, honest answer, but it made my heart sink. I thought he was further along in being okay with all this. He's okay with me being in the process. But not really that okay with me being a priest. Luckily, ordination (if it happens) is years and years away, since I'd probably take seminary part time. So I need to take a deep breath and just love him and be thankful that there is time. And often, he's only reflecting the doubt and insecurity he sees in me. It's so strange how one day I feel so sure about this path, and other days I think I've got it all wrong. sigh. Can someone be a good priest who isn't very administratively gifted? I'm not the priest-in-charge type. I'd probably make a great associate. Or a priest on staff at a really big church. I'm a great collaborator. I have vision and creativity and the ability to carry it out, but not alone. I get overwhelmed quite easily and Husband is worried I'd be in a constant state of stress and bring it home to the family...

Today

2008-04-08T08:31:00.000-07:00

Wow, I've been a pathetic blogger.

Life is good. My discernment committee is finally meeting with the rector to go over the process and make it "official." This could have happened months ago, but it's been nice to have the more gentle beginning. I feel good about it, with occasional bouts of panic and doubt.

This morning I'm leading a time of Lectio Divina with my community Bible study. I'm really looking forward to this. I love doing Lectio in a group. I'm leading it with one of my favorite people of late. Don't you love it when you meet another woman and you just hit it off and it's so fun getting to know this new person? So great.

Anyway, my almost 3 year old just asked to play blocks with me so I must say yes cause I almost always seem to say, "In a second, honey."

bye for now.

G'morning

2008-03-26T07:43:00.000-07:00

Random catch up details of life:

Had a wonderful week on a trip with my family. The girls are seeming older and it is more obvious during traveling.

Feeling that inner warming/nudging again that I associate with "call." It's just this wonderful "sweet unrest" that both gives me peace because it feels like God is near, and tumult because it always feels like I need to act....but in what way...still in discernment and feeling more sure somehow, which feels good. My committee is definitely needing to see some confidence and vision right now. My rector has been so busy and overwhelmed and it's really time for a crucial conversation and I'm having to be very persistent and assertive. Which is good for me but c'mon now!

Speaking at the college was a good experience. I was very nervous and I think it showed, but that's okay. I listened to it and I didn't rush so that's good. It's so interesting how I can get consumed with anxiety. In the end, it wasn't that hard to write and all the energy was used up in anticipation and worry. I assume the more I do this the less scary it will be. Someone gave me some very encouraging words afterwards. Someone I respect deeply. And though it really made me feel good, I don't want to depend on positive words from others to feel good about a talk. That's why I spoke about authenticity and speaking through fear. Cause it's the path I'm on.

Anyway, the girls are suffering from my morning blogging. Got to get them ready. Until later!

I'm back

2008-03-25T14:09:00.000-07:00

Wow, I can't believe it's been since March 7th since I blogged. I feel very out of touch and I'm missing the blogs that I love to read. I've been out of town and just need to find a rhythm again. All is well. I'll write soon, but probably not till the weekend.

I feel like I've given birth

2008-03-07T22:05:00.001-08:00

Phew! If this is what you pastors go through writing sermons, I have found a new appreciation. Not that this is a sermon, but still. I think I'm done. and it's fun to post it here. It's the talk I'm gving with my husband at a local college this coming week.

I have a confession to make: It was back in October of last year that (Pastor) asked (Husband) and me to speak here. At that time, the date March 15th, 2008 seemed very very far away. No problem! Even though I have NO IDEA what I’m going to talk about, I’ll DEFINITELY know in March! That’s 6 months from now and even though I’m having a lot of trouble lately as to who I am and what I’m doing on this planet, I’ll have NEW INSIGHTS come March 15th! And here we are. March 15th. And it came very quickly. And a month ago I was in a bit of a panic as to what I was going to share with you. I even had fantasies of just making (Husband) do it himself. After all, he’s used to this. (right, Husband?) So what I want to talk to you about today is that very thing: not knowing…panic over not knowing… and yet speaking and living from that place of uncertainty. And this is timely because it just so happens that we are in the middle of LENT. A time set apart in the church to mirror the WILDERNESS that Jesus found himself in during those 40 days between his baptism and the beginning of his public ministry. So I want to talk about that wilderness, that desert, that Jesus found himself in and that we so often find ourselves in and I’d like to speak from that place as well.

So…what does my wilderness look like? Well…it’s a pretty 5-star wilderness: I live in this beautiful city, I have a great marriage, I have two adorable little girls. These are all dreams that have come true. But perhaps, like many of you, I find myself still asking the question, “What do I want to be when I grow up?” It’s a question I thought would stop once I reached ADULTHOOD (whenever that starts), but ten years after graduate school and as a mother of two young children, I find myself asking that question once again. And it feels disorienting. I’m realizing it’s a question that will keep cropping up throughout life, in various forms. It was a little crisis for me when I realized one day that being an adult didn’t look like I had always thought it was going to look like. I remember day-dreaming when I was a teenager about being grown-up: I would be TALL, even though this defied my genes. I would be neat and tidy and put things where they belong – all the time. I would be completely mature and TOGETHER. I would know what I wanted in life and how to get it. I would be a benevolent presence with total integrity. In one sense, this speaks highly to the adult role models I had in my life back then, but it is very funny to me now. Now that I’m officially “an adult”, I think to myself, “Oh, I’m still me. I’m not tall. I do not have my stuff all together and I sense I never will. I feel a pull towards integrity, but I realize I will never be fully whole. Not in this life, anyway. I guess the only grown-up who fit all these criteria was Jesus. (though not sure how tall he ever was.)

A pastor here in town says that one of our assignments in this life is to become who we are, and that it’s a trial and error process. I think a lot about “call.” What is God calling me to do? Who is God calling me to be? And I think God is calling me to be myself. I think we are called to be ourselves. And this takes time. It takes a lifetime. No wonder people change careers, change paths, change their minds. Sam Portaro is an author who writes a lot about vocation and he describes the Bible as stories about the vocational journeys of our forebears. I like that. There was a lot of wilderness wandering in the Bible. The Israelites wandered through the wilderness for 40 years and it was a time of them finding out who they were. (and it kind of makes me feel better that they complained the whole time, despite the fact that God rescued them and provided for them at every turn). And then of course there is the time that Jesus spent in the wilderness -- the time that Lent is meant to reflect:

In the 3rd chapter of Matthew, it is written:
“And when Jesus had been baptized, just as he came up from the water, suddenly the heavens were opened to him and he saw the Spirit of God descending like a dove and alighting on him. And a voice from heaven said, “This is my Son, the Beloved, with whom I am well pleased.” Then Jesus was LED by the Spirit into the wilderness.
In the gospel of Mark, the language changes slightly:
“And the Spirit IMMEDIATELY DROVE him out into the wilderness. He was in the wilderness forty days, tempted by Satan; and he was with the wild beasts; and the angels waited on him.”

Jesus is baptized, then goes directly into the wilderness. Jesus has a revelation of identity, of vocation, an intense encounter with the Holy Spirit, then he’s driven immediately into the wilderness. The gospel writers describe the Holy Spirit descending on Jesus “like a dove”: a shy and gentle bird, but the writer Madeleine L’Engle likens the Spirit to a hawk. And as I read these Bible passages, the Spirit that drove Jesus into the wilderness definitely seems more like a hawk than a dove. There’s something about entering into the flow of our vocation that sometimes drives us into the wilderness, at least for a time.

We can’t talk about the wilderness without talking about temptation. It is clear that Jesus was tempted to be someone other than who he was. In this world, we are tempted to conform. We are tempted to fall for the mirages of self that aren’t true to who we really are, the mirages of things that look like they offer life. We are tempted to try to leave the wilderness before we are meant to. Or at least to numb the experience somehow. I’m definitely facing temptation in my wilderness. But the thing I’m trying to discern is: what is temptation and what is call? When we read the passages in the Bible, we KNOW it’s Satan tempting Jesus, so it doesn’t seem that tempting. We KNOW it’s “temptation.” But what makes discernment challenging, is we don’t know the source from which possibilities present themselves. Ah, now we’re really in the wilderness.

Sam Portaro talks about Jesus emerging from the temptations in the wilderness with a new confidence, as if he’s truly in possession of himself. He writes, “It is a sense of assurance that reveals an essential trust of himself in relationship to his creator.” This goes back to the notion that we are called to be ourselves, that we are called to be in relationship to God, and we are called to TRUST that.

There’s a saying that you can’t give your life away until you possess it. I’m starting to see that that journey into authenticity, into relationship with God, begins with letting go: letting go of caring what others think, letting go of expectations of being perfect or “successful” – basically letting go of all the bad parts of EGO. As I’m trying to discern my vocation, I realize the question is different as a mother of young children. And this is a role I cherish and value. And it’s a vocation in and of itself. But I was raised to believe that women can do it all. That we can have fulfilling family lives AND fulfilling careers. But then that word “fulfilling” trips me up. It’s such a hard question…wanting to follow our heart’s desires, but wanting to make sure our hearts are focused on God. Not easy. Walking that line between having the courage to “go for it” and be who I have the potential of being, and grasping at something that just looks good or makes me feel better about myself. It’s a discipline of SURRENDER. Of TRUST. It’s about showing up. Despite the anxiety and the uncertainty. And it’s about letting God into that place. Because the wilderness is also a place of ENCOUNTER, a place where we meet God. There’s a beautiful paradox that when we feel most abandoned by God, we are closest to Him. The Gospel of Mark tells us Jesus was in the desert with the wild beasts, but the angles waited on him. And I think of the moment when Jesus was dying slowly on the cross. He was in the wilderness then. “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” He was utterly forsaken AND utterly held in God’s arms. At the same time. Isn’t that the reality of our lives on earth?

My favorite image right now of being in the wilderness with God comes from a poem by John Shea and he writes: “So now when I pray, I sit and turn my mind like a television knob till you are there with your large open hands spreading my life before me like a Sunday tablecloth and pulling up a chair yourself.” Now that’s a metaphor of vocation and relationship with God that I can get behind. When I get stuck and paralyzed trying to figure out what God’s will is for me, when I obsess on finding the right way, I can remember that there is always a right now way. I can imagine God spreading out a Sunday tablecloth and pulling up a chair. “Okay, Grace-thing. What are we going to do? What dishes are we going to put on the table? What centerpiece? Who are we going to invite? What surprises are in store for us?”

Tonight's dinner table conversation

2008-03-03T19:41:00.000-08:00

5 year-old: Mommy, you need more sleep than Daddy.
Me: I think you're right, honey. Different people need different amounts of sleep.
5 year-old: You should go to bed before Daddy, okay?
Me: Well, usually mommies and daddies go to bed at the same time.
5yo: Why?
Me: Because it's cozy.
5yo: Do you sing each other songs? (This made me laugh out loud. Just the thought of Husband and I singing each other lullabies. But hey, why not?)

A Call in the Wilderness

2008-03-01T10:14:00.001-08:00

Well...I've slacked off with blog posts again. sigh. I still read others' fairly often, but not as often as I'd like. It's hard to blog when things feel full and muddy. I'm sitting down at my computer attempting to focus my talk I'll be giving next week with Husband. I'm such an odd mixture of fearful and brave. Aren't we all? It's just so funny to me how much fear/anxiety sieze me. I can actually watch it happen...which is a good step. At least I can have some objectivity and humor when I'm seized by it. And that is good. But in considering ordained ministry, in considering being a leader of some kind, I've got to get over this. I think that's why this talk feels so significant. I'll be speaking from that place of fear and uncertainty and discernment. Once I figure out what I'm saying, I'll post the gist of it. Husband is the best. He thinks I'm funny. I wouldn't want to have to plan a talk with me. He's so mellow, go-with-the-flow. Thank God I married him. He took the girls to the farmer's market this morning so I could work on this. Until later..

A Heavenly Friday Five

2008-02-22T22:47:00.000-08:00

Singing Owl over at Revgals offers this weeks Friday Five:

What is your idea of a heavenly (i.e. wonderful and perfect):

1. Family get-together

Around the table, home-made bread, good red wine, (okay, this is sounding a little too eucharistic), a perfect roast chicken, laughter, children (well-behaved of course with just the teensiest hint of mischief), ease, stories, reminiscing, visioning...

2. Song or musical piece

Something by Bach

3. Gift

a pug. Or maybe a baby who never woke up in the night, who only nursed once a day, who never cried more than 5 minutes a at a time and who could magically take care of itself when the parent had to go out for a few hours. And who could be frozen for a few months when it reached a really magical age (like my 2 1/2 year old right now.)

4. You choose whatever you like-food, pair of shoes, vacation, house, or something else. Just tell us what it is and what a heavenly version of it would be.

The earthly version IS the heavenly version: Linguine with Brie and tomatoes and basil. You marinate for a few hours chunks of brie, fresh basil, garlic, tomatoes, olive oil and salt and pepper. Then you boil some linguine then pour the sauce over the pasta and the brie melts and.............I just died thinking about it.

5. And for a serious moment, or what would you like your entrance into the next life to be like?
What, from your vantage point now, would make Heaven "heavenly?"

A sense of deep peace soaking into me like warm sand. Deep love. Recognition. Home.

A bit more on the latter

2008-02-19T08:52:00.000-08:00

I feel the need to comment on my last post. It is very easy to complain about the sermon one hears. It is much harder to write and deliver those sermons. I feel acutely aware that quite a few sermon-givers read this blog from time to time and I wish to be sensitive to that. I've never had to give a sermon. Especially not week after week. So I need to be careful when complaining. I just want to clarify that the majority of sermons at my place of worship are hyper-intellectual and belong in adult education, not in the pulpit on Sunday mornings. But this is just my opinion and I am one of hundreds of congregants in those pews. But this raises an important question. What is the role of the sermon? I suppose it's about balance. And about being open to the Spirit. About being bold, yes, but sensitive. Goodness...not easy.

rambling roaming rhetoric

2008-02-17T18:36:00.000-08:00

I'm frustrated with my church today. They don't preach at my church. They intellectually unpack conservative theology. At least that's how I feel today. I'm so tired of the intellectualizing and the unpacking...what happened to preaching? Maybe this isn't the place to serve as a lay leader. grumph. Maybe it is just the place for me, but not feelin it today.

I'm excited about Obama.

I'm having a baby pang. How can this be?? Make it stop, someone. It's only because my two year-old is almost three. I knew it would come around now, even though I SWORE I could never do the baby thing again. And I won't. Our family feels complete, but must confess the pang I've been feeling this week. This would completely stall the momentum that's going on regarding school/career. It's just a pang.

I took my 5 year-old to Disneyland for the first time a few days ago. It was MAGICAL. So wonderful to experience it through her eyes. Just too cute.

Sunshiny Day

2008-02-10T20:06:00.000-08:00

Today we celebrated my daughter's 5th birthday. She's been counting down for DAYS. It was a glorious day. And she is too wondrous. (and highstrung). but so am I. Wondrous and highstrung. :) We had a birthday party tonight and the house was full of gorgeous 5 year old girls. And my 2 year old was in HEAVEN. And as she slyly stole all their food and goodies out of their goodie bags, they readily forgave her. Because they love her. And she is utterly loveable, even in all her mischief and nakedness (she REFUSES to keep her clothes on...AT ALL.)

So I'm exhausted. Husband is out delivering extra birthday cake around the neighborhood. I ordered a quarter sheet. They made a half sheet by mistake. So we got a lot of cake.

Today is unusually warm. (apologies to those of you reading this from the chilly region of the midwest!) I'm going to bundle up, grab a blanket, lay it out on the grass and lie down and look up at the stars. They are BRIGHT tonight and the frogs are so LOUD in the creek far below and the night is so beckoning. I'm going to listen to the music of the night.

Then I'm going to make a pot of tea (not feeling so well) and crawl into bed and flip through Lenten prayers cause I'm in charge of finding opening and closing prayers for our Lenten series.

Good night.

Friday Five: What are you doing for Lent?

2008-02-08T15:00:00.000-08:00

Mother Laura over at Revgals offers us this Friday Five:

1. Did you celebrate Mardi Gras and/or Ash Wednesday this week? How?
I took my whole family to our Ash Wednesday service. The girls were upstairs in the nursery while Husband and I attended the service. I love the ashes smeared on everyone's foreheads, listening to the hushed tones of the priests reminding us that we are dust...it's all so theatrical. L'Engle writes of us being made of stardust. What would it be like to have stardust rubbed on our foreheads? Oh dear, I'm spending too much time with my 4 year-old daughter.

2. What was your most memorable Mardi Gras/Ash Wednesday/Lent?
Hmmm...I suppose my first service, which was only a few years ago. I grew up a Presbyterian and I'm not sure there was an Ash Wednesday service. I don't think Lent was ever mentioned in my Sunday School.

3. Did you/your church/your family celebrate Lent as a child? If not, when and how did you discover it?
I discovered it in college for the first time, but not personally until a few years ago.

4. Are you more in the give-up camp, or the take-on camp, or somewhere in between?
I'm definitely in the in-between. I love doing both and find each one profoundly helpful.

5. How do you plan to keep Lent this year?
I'm giving up alcohol this Lent. I've gotten too used to having a glass of wine every night and it makes me sleepy and a little fuzzy and I want to be present this Lent. It's time to do this. I'm adding on a practice of centering prayer every day and I'm going to focus on a word that keeps coming to me: SURRENDER.

Into the Wilderness

2008-02-06T14:40:00.000-08:00

Well it's Ash Wednesday. Appropriate somehow that I feel lost today. But it's okay. I can tell its just my usual ebb and flow. I actually love Lent and this year I'm going to give up alcohol (gotten a little too used to having a glass of wine every night) and I'm adding a centering prayer practice of 20 minutes a day.

My low-grade (or not so low) anxiety lately has been about an upcoming speaking engagement. Husband and I were asked to speak way back in October. At that time, March seemed so far off, we both said, "Sure!" But now...panic! It's in front of an entire student body of college students and I just feel so lost as to what to share with them. We get to plan the 25 minutes however we want to. I just wish I felt more secure and less unsure of everything. But I KNOW this is a wonderful place from which to speak to college students. To get up there and just be unsure and talk from that place. But that is HARD for me, especially right now when I'm in discernment. But it's really just my ego that is causing this stress. There will be lots of faculty that know me and my husband and it's them I'm afraid of. silly. AND if I'm at all truthful I'll have to talk a little bit about considering becoming an Episcopal priest which feels like coming out of the closet. And not sure I'm ready to yet. I'll talk a bit about wrestling with the angel of vocation. I'll talk a bit about the qualities of "wilderness", good and bad. Speak from my own...maybe talk a bit about Jesus'. Talk about what I want to be when I grow up and that we probably never stop asking that question, because we're constantly growing up. I'll talk a little about listening to your life and tell a little about my story and Husband's and where it has brought us this far. I don't know...

So that's where I am today.
Blessings to all of you as you journey into Lent,
me

I LOVE this poem

2008-01-27T15:47:00.000-08:00

A prayer to the god who fell from heaven

If you had stayed
tightfisted in the sky
and watched us thrash
with all the patience of a pipe smoker,
I would pray
like a golden bullet
aimed at your heart.
But the story says
you cried
and so heavy was the tear
you fell with it to the earth
where like a baritone in a bar
it is never time to go home.
So you move among us
twisting every straight line
into Picasso,
stealing kisses from pinched lips,
holding our hand in the dark.
So now when I pray
I sit and turn my mind
like a television knob
till you are there
with your large open hands
spreading my life before me
like a Sunday tablecloth
and pulling up a chair yourself;
for by now
the secret is out.
You are home.

-- John Shea

Morning Mayhem of Musings

2008-01-22T08:17:00.000-08:00

Random thoughts:

I went to a Healing Touch workshop a few days ago. Woah. It was profound for me. I don't really know the science behind the information presented regarding energy fields around us, etc. But it was interesting and in sync with my own experience. Then after some time in centering prayer, we had a short time of laying on of hands on our partner. Both times, as recipient and as "healer" I truly felt an outpouring of God's love. It was like a current and it was beautiful and humbling. It made me want to learn more.

My discernment committee meets this week. I'm supposed to talk to them about my spiritual gifts. Hmm.. Kind of hard to determine yourself. I mean, I have some ideas...should be an interesting exercise to journal about that before the meeting.

I'm re-reading yet another L'Engle book and it has an immediate effect on me. In the healing touch workshop, they talked about a part of our brains (and the brain-heart connection) that is full of potential that we hardly tap into. And when we're merely in survival mode (which we're in most of the time) we don't have room to explore this more intuitive, hopeful, imaginative side of ourselves. When I read L'Engle (who writes about the need for the recovery of our intuitive selves and who writes from that place) I feel that part of me re-awaken and I calm down and I trust more.

Quote of the week:
My almost 5 year-old said, "Mama, I want to get married some day. Mama? Is my husband a little boy right now?" And she said it with such wonder and wide gorgeous hazel eyes. sigh.

Friday Five

2008-01-18T15:16:00.000-08:00

Here is Friday Five from Revgals:

1.What book have you read in the last six months that has really stayed with you? Why?
William Countryman's Living on the Border of the Holy. This book is amazing. Someone recommended it to me as a way of talking me out of wanting to become ordained, but it made me want it more! It is a beautiful and intelligent look at the priesthood/laity division and calls for a change. It is a cry out for everyone's part in the fundamental priesthood. Every time I go to this book, I find more and more.

What is one of your favorite childhood books?
A Wrinkle in Time and the whole series. I just re-read them as an adult and it was amazing.

Do you have a favorite book of the Bible? Do tell!
I love the Psalms. And John.

What is one book you could read again and again?
Any of Madeleine L'Engle's books in her 4-book Crosswicks series. These are her memoirs and I have read them again and again and will continue to.

Is there a book you would suggest for Lenten reading? What is it and why?
A Hidden Wholeness by Parker Palmer. This book would be wonderful read on one's own, or as part of a small group during Lent. It's about integration. It's about sacred circles of sharing. It's about our darkness and our light, our childhoods and our adulthoods.

And because we all love bonus questions, if you were going to publish a book what would it be? Who would you want to write the jacket cover blurb expounding on your talent?
Hmmm...I suppose it would be a book about my spiritual journey cause those are the books I most love reading. I can't get enough of other people's pilgrimages on this Earth (pilgrimage in the metaphorical sense). I guess that's why I love reading blogs at Revgals so much.

Timing is Everything (or at least it feels that way)

2008-01-16T10:58:00.001-08:00

Help! I thought I had made my decision. When I made it, it was with a "who knows what the future will bring, let's take the bird in the hand (or ministry in the hand)" attitude. But I met with my rector yesterday and he helped clarify some things. He affirmed Husband's pov that it wouldn't be wise to do church leadership and seminary at the same time. This is probably very true, especially with my kiddos being so young. So the question that has arisen is...do I continue the discernment process, the whole kit and caboodle, ending around Spring 2009 and then put off seminary for a few years until I'm ready (and church leadership position is over) OR do I stop the official discernment process now and take the church position and then when I have an actual timing plan for seminary, start the discernment process over at that time. Rector thinks that seminary needs to follow pretty closely after the completion of the discernment process. Granted, Rector tends to be a very inside-the-box thinker. He said, "Make sure, though, that you're not using this ministry opportunity as an excuse to postpone the discernment process." He's right. It's possible I'm doing that. But it's just as possible that it's just what I should be doing and that God is telling me to slow down. And I truly do not know which way to go. I know God will follow me wherever I go. It's that tension I've been living in for a while now: not wanting to put off seminary any longer because it could take me 6 years to complete it (it's a commuter program), but not feeling ready to go. Certainly not feeling ready to have an interview with the Bishop. Yikes! At least I have my discernment committee next week and Rector gave me permission to put off my official decision until then.

Feathers

2008-01-14T13:27:00.000-08:00

Well, call me superstitious, but someone once told me that when you come upon a feather, it is a sign that the Holy Spirit has been with you. I don't know where this comes from, but there have been uncanny moments in my life where a feather has come at a very interesting time...it sure has seemed like a sign of the Spirit.

Today I made an important decision. I accepted an offer of significant lay leadership at my church (volunteer position). It is a 4 year commitment and I'm trying to see how this is complementary to my seminary journey and not a stop in its flow. It's ministry. And it is the perfect next step. It was just VERY HARD to make a 4 year commitment when I feel so uncertain about the future. I agonized about it for a week, then while staring at the elephants at the zoo with my youngest daughter, I made the decision to accept. I hung up the phone with only a slight twinge of "O God, what have I done?" and my little girl pointed to something on the slide in front of her. It was a teeny soft feather. It almost made me weep. It truly felt like a hug from the Spirit. An affirmation. It may have just been a feather, but I am choosing to believe it was more.

Resurrection

2008-01-13T21:31:00.000-08:00

Annie Dillard is one of my favorite authors. Check out this passage from her book Holy the Firm.

"One night a moth flew into the candle, was caught, burnt dry, and held. I must have been staring at the candle, or maybe I looked up when a shadow crossed my page; at any rate, I saw it all. A golden female moth, a biggish one with a two-inch wingspan, flapped into the fire, dropped her abdomen into the wet wax, stuck, flamed, frazzled and fried in a second. Her moving wings ignited like tissue paper, enlarging the circle of light in the clearing and creating out of the darkness the sudden blue sleeves of my sweater, the green leaves of jewelweed by my side, the ragged red trunk of a pine. At once the light contracted again and the moth’s wings vanished in a fine, foul smoke. At the same time her six legs clawed, curled, blackened, and ceased, disappearing utterly. And her head jerked in spasms, making a splattering noise; her antennae crisped and burned away and her heaving mouth parts crackled like pistol fire. When it was all over, her head was, so far as I could determine, gone, gone the long way of her wings and legs. Had she been new, or old? Had she mated and laid her eggs, had she done her work? All that was left was the glowing horn shell of her abdomen and thorax – a fraying, partially collapsed gold tube jammed upright in the candle’s round pool.

And then this moth-essence, this spectacular skeleton, began to act as a wick. She kept burning. The wax rose in the moth’s body from her soaking abdomen to her thorax to the jagged hole where her head should be, and widened into flame, a saffron-yellow flame that robed her to the ground like any immolating monk. That candle had two wicks, tow flames of identical height, side by side. The moth’s head was fire. She burned for two hours, until I blew her out.

She burned for two hours without changing, without bending or leaning – only glowing within, like a building fire glimpsed through silhouetted walls, like a hollow saint, like a flame-faced virgin gone to God, while I read by her light, kindled, while Rimbaud in Paris burnt out his brains in a thousand poems, while night pooled wetly at my feet."

I have one!

2008-01-12T19:01:00.000-08:00

oh my gosh. I'm so lucky. I have one in my house! I have one to myself! I have a toddler! And I am not writing with any sarcasm, believe it our not. I have in my own house a little dimple-wristed girl with soft baby shampoo smelling hair with huge, I mean, huge saucer blue eyes and pouty little lips. I have a little toddler with a squawky heart melting voice...mispronouncing everything, attempting at singing, which sounds like a baby whale moaning. too cute. I have a sweet-breathed teeny human in my house who....guess what....loves me more than anything in the world! Her bottom is unspeakable in its perfection and ice cream scoop-ness. Triple scoop. Her belly sticks out of everything. It is so easy to make her laugh. And to make her cry. She is utterly ticklish. When she's asleep she is transformed from her mischievous self into an angel of peace.

You know those moments when grace pierces your life and you realize for just one second what you have? I've just had one of those moments.

Stay tuned for the next post, which I'm sure will be the other extreme of having a toddler. But for tonight, I am forever grateful and want to freeze time.

Top Ten Wishes for the New Year

2008-01-10T07:50:00.001-08:00

In my women's group at church, this is our assignment. To dream BIG and freely, without the little critic/judge voice. I'm not one for New Year's resolutions. I like to think of it more as a process, starting over each day. So these aren't supposed to be resolutions, more like dreams.

So here are mine:
- Start a vegetable garden and a compost bin.
- Learn to play the guitar.
- Learn to knit my daughter a little green sweater.
- Trust God more with my discernment.
- Have more sex. (That is, want to have more sex.
- Have such a relationship with God that I can't help spending time in prayer every day. (hee hee, I like the order these just happened in...funny)
- Love myself enough to care more about my home environment. It's just not tidy. I try, but I don't make it a priority/habit. I go in MAJOR cycles and I just wish I could ALWAYS just put things where they belong without making "for later" piles.
- Work on my friendships more; more effort and initiative.
- Be more of a giver in my marriage.
- Use some money to really help someone in a major way.

Anyone want to share theirs?

Down the Mountain and into the New Year

2008-01-06T14:28:00.001-08:00

This marks a new attempt at blogging more regularly. For those of you who still check in with me and bother to see if I have a new post, thank you! I hope I can just do this more frequently. It is a gift to me, as is reading all your blogs.

My husband's family has a tradition every New Year's Eve. We hike up a very steep snowy mountain ski run, in full ski attire, carrying our skis. Then, at the top, we gather for a time, catching our breath, gazing up at the stars and down at the valley below, toasting with hot cocoa, then we light flares and ski down the mountain, in a slow S curve. All our children wait back at the condo with the grandparents, cheering us on, watching our orange lights in the distance snake their way down the mountain. I love this tradition even though it nearly kills me every year. It is hard work. But as I race into the darkness with my family, holding scary flares, feeling the cold air rush against my face, I can't think of a better metaphor for leaping into the new year...with all its unknowns, with all its gravitational pulls, with its thrills and disasters, I want to throw caution away and just go for it. I'm not one for New Year's resolutions, but I do love this embodied metaphor we do every December 31st.

And for some reason, every January, things happen in my life. Good things. Doors always seem to open in January. Not sure why. So now I am faced with decisions...all good ones, but not easy ones. My church is offering me roles in leadership in two categories: leader of worship or leader of Christian formation. This is a tough one. But what makes it even tougher, is that it's a 4 year commitment. I have NO IDEA if I'll even be living in this city in 4 years. I probably will be. But I may be enrolled in seminary, in which case this would be way too much to take on. But I may not be enrolled, in which case it would be a shame to say no. I could say yes with the possibility of having to leave the role mid-way, but I don't like making decisions that way. I like being reliable and taking commitments seriously. Husband is very nervous about all this. He doesn't want me to get over-committed, when my kids are still so little. I'm going to have to pray. And talk to people. This would be very hard to say no to. But if I did say no, it would be more of a commitment towards starting seminary sooner than later. Why am I in such a hurry to start seminary? I want to be young when I get ordained. At this rate, I actually won't be young. I'll be young-ish. But it could take me 8 years to complete the degree in the part-time commuter program. When I really think about it, it makes me want to start since it's going to take so long to complete. So...prayers needed for discernment!

Happy New Year. Happy rushing into the wind. Happy rushing into the moment.

Off to the Snow!

2007-12-26T19:48:00.000-08:00

Just writing to say that I'll be out of town and out of blogging touch for a week. I'm off to the northwest to visit family...to snowy mountains. It will be wonderful. And crazy house of children. But fun. I hope to be a better blogger upon my return! I miss it and it's somehow been squeezed out of my routine. Happy New Year!

Merry Christmas

2007-12-24T08:33:00.000-08:00

Hello, dear blog friends. Merry Christmas to you all. I am grateful for you...you offer to me the gifts of your stories, your wisdom, your poetry and your words. Thank you. May you be filled with joy and peace in the next few days.

with love,
Grace-thing

The Ghost of Christmas Present

2007-12-14T07:48:00.000-08:00

Sigh of relief. Last night's disc. meeting went so great. The group is really feeling comfortable together and conversation flowed. The reason it went well, the main reason, is that I wrote a spiritual autobiograhy to share. I read it aloud. It was just what we needed because it forced me to put into words things they had to know. I had to take control and choose to share with them a lot. Then they had so much more to go off of...so many good questions. The practice itself of writing a spiritual autobiography was so good for me, but so so difficult! So hard to organize into coherent thoughts. So hard to really tell the truth. But I did it and now I feel like we're really in discernment together, instead of tip-toeing around the edges.

Regarding the play, I'm making myself push through and do it. My impulse was to keep up my brave face and not let the others in, but I ended up confessing how terrified I was to the director. So that's good.

Christmas is upon us and I yearn to be PRESENT in the next weeks...to my family, to the advent, to others, to the food :)

presence to you all,
me

The Ghost of Future Yet To Come

2007-12-13T14:26:00.000-08:00

Wow. I've been a pathetic blogger. I had a blogging loss of innocence a few weeks ago and what with all the other stuff going on in life, I've just been a little blog shy. I was tagged to do a 10 random things meme and I offered quite a few details about myself. I was blogging under the false notion that even though I was offering details, no one I knew would read it! Well, a friend of my father made a comment on my post and it completely freaked me out. His post was very nice and short but I felt exposed and invaded. So silly, really. This blog is out there and anyone could find it. But it was a good lesson. I still have no idea how he found my blog. I suppose key words appear on search engines??

SO...in saying that, here's more info and oh well if I end up not being completely anonymous. I had the weirdest experience last night. A friend of mine invited me to be in her theatrical production of A Christmas Carol. It's her own adaptation and her theatre company is very physical and fun and different. Definitely not your run of the mill production. She offered me the role of the Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come. And the show opens in one week. She told me I'd be completely disguised and that my face would be veiled. Given the fact that I've had major issues with fear on stage, despite my advanced degree in theatre, this was the perfect role to offer me and she knew it... I could be part of the play, be on stage, but be hidden at the same time. So I said yes. Because I am a firm believer in walking through the doors that open in front of you. So I showed up last night and it was completely and utterly directly out of a nightmare. And I mean that in the literal sense. When I used to act more, I'd have anxiety performance dreams of being thrown into the middle of a performance and not knowing where i was supposed to be or what to say. For those of you who have never been in a play, this may seem silly. But it is a terrifying out of control dream. So that's what happened last night. Because everyone else had been rehearsing for weeks, it was so uncomfortable trying to dive in. I was paralyzed and didn't offer much at all. I basically just tried to survive the rehearsal. I survived, then came home and fell apart to my husband. It had taken so much energy to just keep it together at the rehearsal, that I just had to let it out at home. And of course, because life has a sense of humor (or maybe I should call it wisdom), I have my third discernment meeting tonight. How do I explain? I was always an actor. I had talent. But I never felt comfortable in that skin. Sometimes I did. But only once in a while. The creative process was riddled with anxiety and struggle. So as I've been pondering choosing a different path, it has felt very good not acting. Last night represented something I let go about 6 years ago and haven't done since. It represented something deep down that I didn't recognize until I came home. It was so painful to be in that room and to be so paralyzed. And maybe it was a final face to face confrontation with a death of this side of me. And let us not fail to notice that it was the Ghost of Future Yet to Come...the very ghost I've been wrestling with myself. And this was the role I was embodying. This spectre of the future, the unknown. I think it just shook me up on my insides to be crossing worlds in such a major way. This probably doesn't make much sense to those of your reading this. I'm surprised I'm not thrilled that I had this experience. In one sense, it is an affirmation that this is NOT me anymore and is more reason to go this other direction. But I have a deep fear that once I go to seminary and then become ordained and then have a job...that I'll experience the same anxious paralysis of fear. It's something I must push through. But it is present. Still not sure why it has such a grip on me. I'm quite emotional today and shaky. Thank God I wrote a spiritual authobiography to share with the committee tonight. Otherwise, I wouldn't know what to say. But I try to trust Timing. and God. But icky painful feelings...

Friday Five

2007-11-30T14:36:00.000-08:00

Will Smama posted a fun Friday Five at Revgals this week. Here goes:

Please tell us your least favorite/most annoying seasonal....

1) dessert/cookie/family food
The ice cream logs at our annual family Christmas Eve party. Don't they sound gross? Well they are. They are huge logs, cut crosswise into pieces so you get a round thick disk on your plate. It's ice cream (like spumoni or something) and the edge is coated in walnuts and in the middle there is a shape of a bell or a Christmas tree made out of sherbet...they are seriously disgusting but it's a tradition.

2) beverage (seasonal beer, eggnog w/ way too much egg and not enough nog, etc...)
Definitely egg nog.

3) tradition (church, family, other)
the ice cream logs.

4) decoration
Okay, this is kind of a toss up between my least favorite and most favorite: the Christmas Poo. Yes, it is a stuffed poop with a Santa hat on it and a smiley face. My brother gave it to my baby daughter a few years ago...it's from a South Park episode. It was funny in an irreverant way for few years but I had to draw the line when last Christmas my 3 year old (who loves to dress up as Mary) was sitting in the middle of the livingroom wearing a veil as mother Mary cradling the Christmas Poo, nursing it, and singing "Away in a Manger." That was it. It had to go bye-bye.

5) gift (received or given)
hmmm...gonna pass on this one. Just too lazy to think too hard.

BONUS: SONG/CD that makes you want to tell the elves where to stick it.
Oooh, Will Smama definitely has it right with Feliz Navidad. I guess I'd have to say "I'll be home for Christmas" because it is SO SAD. Or Judy Garland's rendition of "I'm dreaming of a white Christmas" for the same reason.

Stuck in Black and White Land

2007-11-29T19:40:00.000-08:00

My church is hosting a very progressive adult formation class this year. It has been good...stirring up good conversation, etc. But it has made me realize how I still tend to try to see things in Black and White. I try to do otherwise, but I seem stuck. The curriculum for this class is presented in DVD sessions with various scholars being interviewed. On the most recent installment, focusing on incarnation, Spong talked a lot about how we need to do Christology and the church and basically Christianity all over again...give it a good overhaul. I can go with this idea of approaching Jesus from below...really emphasizing his humanity and our humanity. But Spong believes that Jesus was different in degree, not kind. It's so interesting, but just hard for me to go with. I know it was the early councils that struggled with a developing theology and came up with their truth: Jesus was both divine and human. Spong debunks this a little. He believes that there is a continuum and humanity is on one end, and divinity on the other, and Jesus was the most fully human possible. I do like this idea that Jesus showed us our human potential, showed us what it is to be fully human. But what I struggle with is that so much a part of our humanity is our darkness. Yes, we are gorgeous creatures, full of creativity and beauty and potential. But there's a lot else. It's such a huge part of us. Hard to imagine that we were created to be completely devoid of this pain that is such a part of our existence. Ah, but that is the mystery. And in the end, it doesn't really matter what percentage of Jesus was human/divine. But what does the resurrection mean if he was just human? Just a human completely infused with Godself? I know it's semantics, but it makes a big difference. I don't need to believe in the virgin birth. It may have happened. It may not have happened. Regardless, there is great truth in that story. I don't even have to believe in the bodily resurrection. At least I don't think so. There is still great truth that somehow Jesus is still present. Still alive. But walking away from the evening at church, I felt a bit lost as to who God is. Yes, MYSTERY. With a capital M. But as I contemplate becoming a priest...it feels scary not having more of a grasp on where I am. Where God is. etc. But I know this happens in seminary anyway and it's normal and it's a hell of a lot better admitting cluelessness than claiming certainty. shiver. don't want that. It's just that the evangelical folks I'm around a lot are so certain as to doctrine and what you have to believe. It's seductive because what if they're right? And it's so nice to have things that clear. I'm tempted to really explore what feels to me as dangerous and stimulating possibilities. I'm just somewhere in the huge middle. But last night it saddened me because I felt like the evangelical community in which I have a lot of friends, and the community of my progressive church...well...they truly seem like different religions, not just denominations or expressions. And that's sad. Because I want to hope for more unity in the church. There's just a wider spectrum than I ever knew about.

A poem for fast-approaching Advent

2007-11-25T20:46:00.000-08:00

Withered leaves panic
Before the knives of wind.
They scurry directionless,
Longing for peace,
Burial in a swansdown of flurries.
Deadblown, yet swirled into false life,
Their nature calls for a return to earth--
To become bits and pieces of the kingdom
From which new life will grow.

Darkness drives down the sun,
Loosing the night cold as blue metal;
Together we beg the return of fire
And you hear, O Lord.
Sun's slow revolve enthrones a
Little one on wood warmed with straw.
Childbirth is risky--he comes
As he goes
In a rush of blood and water.
In the night, with loaves and wine,
We become the little one;
Blood brothers and water sisters,
Bits and pieces of the kingdom.

- "Leaves in Solstice"
Dennis Kennedy

still here

2007-11-18T20:15:00.000-08:00

Hello, readers, if there are any out there after my blogging fast. It was unintentional. Just life going on and me being lazy and not feeling like engaging in thought. All is okay. My daughters are delicious scrumptious cuteness these days. My husband is in the other room grading with candles lit. I'm tired of discernment. I'm tired of myself. I'm supposed to talk to my committee more specifically about my call next time (Dec. 13th) and I don't feel like thinking about that. I'm so happy Thanksgiving is coming. I love this time of year. I love Thanksgiving Day. I'm bringing two homemade pies to my parent's house Thursday. Yum. Today was misty and chilly, a welcome relief from the 85 degree weather of a few days ago!! I know, you who live elsewhere, I shouln't be complaining, but it doesn't feel like fall when it's hot and I'm FROM this part of the world, too! I'm sipping a yummy glass of red wine. I made taco soup for my family tonight. I'm just living in the more material world these days and it's kind of nice. good night and I'll try to be not so much a stranger. Oh, and I've been tagged by Mrs. M, so I must get to that!

the dark

2007-11-01T19:31:00.000-07:00

As today is All Saints Day, I was reading through some of my Madeleine L'Engle collection and I came across a story she told in one of her Crosswicks journals. As I re-tell it here, I am paraphrasing. As a young woman, L'Engle was at a conference at Yale Divinity School and the speaker was a child psychiatrist of note. He opened the discussion up to questions, and one woman asked, "Why is it that everything falls apart at home around 5pm? What is it about that time of day that is the witching hour?" He replied with the obvious reasons: tired and hungry children, mother irritable after a long day at home, father comes home tired from work and not wanting to deal with the stress of the home, etc. (this was obviously a more "traditional" generation). And then he said, "Do you want to know the real reason? We're all afraid of the dark." Woah. This struck me today as very profound. And true. The doctor continued to speak, "And what do with our children who are afraid of the dark?" One mother answered: "We give them night lights." Yes. And Madeleine has been a night light for me. She is someone who is very aware of the dark, of the evil and hateful forces. She engages them in her writing and she does not deny them at all. Yet her theology and life are so full of hope and affirmation. Thank you, Madeleine, for being a night light in the dark.

A good, if tentative, beginning

2007-10-20T21:21:00.000-07:00

Well last night went well. I'm just so glad that first meeting is over and done with! And the group is such a great group!! Great dynamic, great diversity. There is one person who I can already tell is going to really push me, but in a very good way as long as I don't have too thin a skin. The most fun part of the evening was its beginning....before I even got to church. Granted, I was feeling very vulnerable and open, but it was as if the Spirit made a point of showing me she was with me. The hot Santa Ana winds were blowing fiercely and this always makes the air feel full of possibility. I left home with a little time to spare and drove to a favorite spot in the city, overlooking the hills and ocean beyond...the moon was out...it was so peaceful. I listened to a favorite song about feeling God all around...and it felt so true. This is a funny yet spooky detail. I got to church and met up with one of the committee members....the one I know the best. And as we approached the church doors, they just opened for us, I kid you not, like a hydraulic system or something. Very funny.

ANYWAY, it was a good beginning, overall, if a bit awkward at first. None of us knew how to proceed, since we're starting without any kind of structure. We're going to take some time before we dive into the official diocesan process. I was advised to just show up and let the others who have been on discernment committees before guide the meeting, but everyone kept looking to me to be the leader. It's funny because normally I rise to the occasion and even over prepare when I'm expected to lead a meeting. But because last night was about me and because there were so many unknowns going into it, I was unprepared to lead it. One man said, "We're taking our cues from you. What do YOU want from us?" Hmmm...damn good question. And it was a hard one to answer. But I was able to be myself, truly. I felt naked and it felt as though I were throwing caution to the wind. I could have been much more calculated in my responses, but as it should be, I am choosing to be completely honest. It's the only way forward. At some point, I'm going to have to claim this more and tell the committee what I want. But it's hard to claim things that absolutely. The same man looked straight at me and said, "you know what you want." But I'm not so sure. Or maybe I'm deluding myself. I do know I want to be a priest. I'm not so sure I want to have my own church. I do know I'm gifted pastorally, and that I think that being ordained would open doors otherwise closed. I kind of feel like I just am a priest. But this whole process intimidates me. I know I want to go to seminary and I believe that it is there where I will sharpen my SENSE of call. So in the meantime, I'll just put one foot in front of the other and try to be brave and claim outwardly to them what I can. Our next meeting we'll be talking about "call". I sense that one member in the group feels it's very important that a postulant have a strong "calling." This is a tricky word. It just feels so arrogant and certain. But I cannot deny my experience of being pulled in a very strong way. It's just hard to say that I feel I'm being called to the priesthood. I have a very hard time saying that. Anyway, thank you for your prayers and encouragement. Regardless of outcome, this will prove to be an amazing experience. I am so honored that these 5 people are willing to spend their time and energy helping me.

beginnings

2007-10-17T14:32:00.000-07:00

I start my discernment committee tomorrow night. May I have your prayers? Thanks! Prayers that I can just speak my truth. Prayers that the Spirit will be with us. Just prayers for the beginning...this beginning feels very hard. No priest will be present to get us started off and it just feels very amorphous...and now I take my leap and let go of control...

Another poem/prayer

2007-10-07T20:34:00.000-07:00

My Sequoia Prayer
by Dr. Monteen Lucas, found in the book Women's Uncommon Prayers.

When I feel tiny, weak, and trembling
Or pulled this way and that by swirls of change,
Too insignificant to be of service,
Too "uprooted" to hold my ground,
I pray my Sequoia Prayer.

Sitting quietly, breathing normally, becoming centered in the present moment --
in this holy instant --
My mind's eye gradually forms and image of a giant Sequoia.
My Sequoia prayer takes form in my heart and soul
As the image forms and fleshes out to fill my being.

Centuries-old roots so wide and deep they have become part of the earth,
Supporting enormous, gnarled trunk that soars into the sky,
Eternity wrinkles carved into its surface, holding character markings for the ages,
Thick, porous bark skin covering the body, letting the trunk breathe,
protecting it from the fires that must come to support its growth,
Green leaves gushing out the top, reaching up to the heavens,
Nurturing birds and other beings, offering up limbs as if in prayer.

Awareness of God fills my soul.
Sequoia image fills my being.

Spreading
Down into the earth,
Deep into the soul,
Strong into the body.

Breathing calmly, sitting quietly, praying trustingly, becoming
Grounded in humanity,
Rooted in God,
Striving ever upward.
My Sequoia prayer fills my cells, my lungs, my heart, my brain, my soul, my being
With love, grace,light.
With joy, hope.

With the strength of God I need to go on! Thank you, God!
Amen.

Here we go again

2007-10-02T00:06:00.000-07:00

Why do I feel like I'm repeating myself? Oh, but I must get it out. There's no way I'll be able to sleep unless I express these thoughts in some way. So the date of my first discernment meeting is fast approaching. Why does the you-know-what always hit the fan at the last and least convenient moment? I mean, I know I've been voicing these thoughts for some time, but still. Maybe the reality is sinking in. My Husband and I (mostly husband) have issues with our church. Who doesn't have issues with their church? It actually bugs me when people are too judgmental of their churches. There is no perfect church. And my point to my husband was that if he invested himself more in the life of the community, it might transform Sunday mornings for him and make them more meaningful. But his views echo mine, I'm afraid, even though I'm able to transcend them a lot of the time because I love all the programs and the people and the idea of our church. But the leadership is SO uninspired. The two priests stand up at the altar with their hands in their pockets and make inside jokes during the hymns. (okay, I exaggerate...a little). The rector could care less about the Bible, seriously. If he says "big tent" one more time in reference to the Christian Faith I'll throw my hymnal at him. YES, we must be inclusive, but are there no standards whatsoever? Is there absolutely no structure? All he cares about is social justice. Which is so so so so important and a major part of Jesus' message...but there is more. And so my main angst right now is: is it okay, is it a good idea, to begin discernment in a parish that would become my sponsoring parish when I feel so ambivalent about its leadership? My husband is talking about wanting to visit other churches and I exploded at him asking him to be a little more sensitive to where I am in my process...and yes I agree with him, but hello, I'm finally having the guts to start this and now it's all going to go out the window? But he has a good point. It wouldn't be going anywhere, it would just shift and perhaps to a deeper level of honesty in myself. But the thought of starting over again...
I received comments in my last post about my doubts about being in the right denomination. I know that denominations are personal and arbitrary and that what matters is our walk with God, but when you're considering being a leader in the church, denomination means a lot...especially when you feel ambivalent about the choice...and not really that loyal...and when the worship feels dead in your own particular church. I LOVE how progressive our church is and it has challenged and deepened my faith by leaps and bounds. But it's all about pushing the envelope as far as possible...where does that leave me? I feel adrift and unsure what to believe.
Sleepless Somewhere on the California Coast,
Grace-Thing

A poem/prayer I found...

2007-10-01T20:12:00.000-07:00

Friend, you lie quiet,
watching the dawn light color your heart,
dreaming of healing for your hurt body
laying there unanswerable to your will.
You breathe deep and your breath has two sides:
inside and outside. You are on both, being breathed.
The future approaches. You will heal or
you will go back to being God.
Which will you do?

Oh, by all that is beautiful--
May it be that you live!
May your body heal happy and whole!
May energy fill and delight you!
May we join the dance your presence gives!
May you live!

And if you die?
Oh dear self, by all that is beautiful,
Know you are Safe! Everything is All Right.
Forever and Ever and Ever!
The most wonderful, exquisite, familiar
Truth is what is True, and welcomes you.
It will be very easy.

You lie quiet now, praying.
A great healing is coming
and you want to be ready.
The colors of your heart blend
with the light of the morning.
You are blessed.

--Elias Amidon

The Wild Goose

2007-09-18T21:21:00.000-07:00

Things bubbling up today. You know those times? When little bubbles of spirit come to the surface.

Tonight I attended a talk at my church led by two people who recently went on pilgrimage to the Iona community, on a teeny island in Scotland. Many many people go on pilgrimage there each year. Its site is one of the oldest in Christianity. It's a community dedicated to ecumenism, refreshing inclusive and creative liturgy, stewardship of the environment, peace, and activism in the world. Man, I want to go there.

One of the travelers talked about the worship services. They sounded amazing. Full of expansive poetic language, with gaelic hints. And theatrical interesting ideas for worship services. As I listened, it was like my soul perked up. like a little puppy taking a snooze then smelling something interesting and pricking up its ears.

This notion of finding new ways to worship, and working with language, music and the arts is so at the heart of this vocation I'm feeling out. Okay, duh, no news there, I suppose. Most clergy thrive in this arena. But as I feel my way in the dark, this is definitely a candle that lights my path. Maybe it's my theatre background. Maybe it's my love of language and music. But it all comes together in the creating of meaningful liturgy. And I have very little experience in this. But it so attracts me. And there is definitely a nugget in here about ecumenism. One of the most powerful worship services I experienced was the Thomas Mass. It got it's start in Finland and it's an example of bringing together all our varied Christian traditions into one service, sprinkled with embodied, incarnational ways to reflect on the scripture or sermon. Very cool.

And sometimes I wonder if I'm in the wrong denomination. Wrong for me, that is. I've only officially been an Episcopalian for two years. I was raised in the Presbyterian church. The Anglican liturgy was so new and ancient and poetic for me...my heart lurched toward it and for some reason(s) it's the only church I've ever been able to picture myself ordained into. I also like the "big tent" philosophy in the Anglican tradition and the "middle way." But sometimes I wonder if I'm acting too impulsively.

Anyway, some things that I loved about tonight were the Iona tradition of likening the Holy Spirit to a wild goose, as opposed to a little dove. The holy spirit as noisy and swift and disturbing and wild. I love this.

She also spoke of faith as an adventure. Yes.

And of course I so resonate lately with this notion of pilgrimage. That we are all pilgrims on ajourney to discover the holy...in the world around us, in those we meet on the way, in ourselves. Just beautiful.

Alexander and the No Good Horrible Very Bad...

2007-09-10T19:17:00.000-07:00

Utterly ridiculous, this day. I am so beaten down and discouraged. Granted, it's that time of the month and I truly have a rough time for a few days a month. But the absurdity, the humor, the ridiculous of my humanity: this morning I proudly announced to Husband that I have a new strategy with my four year old who has been exhibiting adolescent horrible attitude towards me. Instead of getting mad and punishing her, I planned to "disarm her with love." To look at her slyly and say, "Oh, love, you just need a big hug!" I told Husband I was going to practice Jesus' non-violence with my 4 year old and love the enemy. Well...it unraveled immediately. We went off to the store to buy dance clothes/shoes for her new class. The unstable element was bringing the two year old, but I had no choice. So there we were in this teeny dressing room trying on jazz leotards and pants and it all went to hell. So much for my calm confident parenting. My older daughter transformed (as she has been lately) into her bratty disrespectful attitude persona and began her barrage of insults. This utter disrespect just unravels me. Especially when we're in public. I lost it. And I lost my authority. And I continue to lose her respect. I feel like a total failure.

But we just had bed time. And we made up. And we prayed.

...And just to continue to spiral in my negativity, Husband is off to rehearsal for the night and I am reminded that my entire existence revolves around taking care of the girls and the home and sometimes I get so resentful. I have a one-day retreat for the hospital chaplaincy coming up. I haven't been able to do the chaplaincy for the last month because I can't find childcare that morning. But this retreat has been on the calendar. Well it turns out his mother (who I love) is arriving in town to see his play and that's wonderful, but of course it's the same day I have this retreat. So yes, I could still go on the retreat, but it would be kind of rude. Of course, Husband can't spend the day with his mom cause it's a work day. And this is my struggle: because he earns the paycheck, my "volunteer" commitments must take second priority...and therefore they can't be commitments.

Sometimes I think women had it better when we had fewer choices. In some ways, the family life was better off when women were just expected to live only in the domestic sphere. Now that there is choice and possibility, I struggle with these issues.

Sorry for the venting. It's just one of those days.

But the night air is gorgeous. My children are in bed. A friend is coming over for a glass of wine and a heart to heart. Husband vacuumed the house before he left.

It's all okay.

Madeleine L'Engle

2007-09-08T18:47:00.000-07:00

Husband was checking news online last night and he said to me, "Honey...Madeleine L'Engle died." I burst into tears. She was a soul mate. And I'm glad she's with God. She was 88. But I am missing her. Just knowing she's not alive on this planet with me.

A tribute from her book Walking on Water, Reflections on Faith and Art:

Time is to be treasured, worked with, never ignored. As the astrophysicists understand time now, it is not like a river, flowing in one direction, but more like a tree, with great branches and smaller limbs and twigs which may make it possible for us to move from one branch to another, as did Jesus and Moses and Elijah, as did St. Andrew and St. Francis when they talked with each other in that light of love which transcends all restrictions of time. Kairos. Real time. God's time. That time which breaks through chronos with a shock of joy, that time we do not recognize while we are experiencing it, but only afterwards, because kairos has nothing to do with chronological time. In kairos we are completely unself-conscious and yet paradoxically far more real than we can ever be when we are constantly checking our watches for chronological time. The saint in contemplation, lost (discovered) to self in the mind of God is in kairos. The artist at work is in kairos. The child at play, totally thrown outside himself in the game, be it building a sandcastle or making a daisy chain, is in kairos. In kairos we become what we are called to be as human beings, co-creators with God, touching the wonder of creation. This calling should not be limited to artists -- or saints -- but it is a fearful calling. Mana, taboo. It can destroy as well as bring into being.

so there you have it. I could have spent all night coming up with the perfect L'Engle quote, but that is what was in front of me when I opened one of her books. She is forever in kairos now, and maybe even more likely to touch our lives now without our knowing it.

Thank you, Madeleine.

Friday Five: on Overcoming

2007-09-07T16:28:00.000-07:00

Sally at Revgals give us this week's Friday Five:

1.Have you experienced God's faithfulness at a difficult time? Tell as much or as little as you like...

As many of the revgals have mentioned, I've always felt an abiding presence of God. God's always been faithful. It's I who have been unfaithful...to myself, to my God, to my life. And this brings me to...

2. Have you experienced a dark night of the soul, if so what brought you through?

That is when I feel like I'm experiencing a dark night of the soul...when I feel God, yes, but I don't feel me. Does this make sense? And I'm there now, folks. So I choose to choose to trust. And to continue to rest in that presence I feel. And to TRY to have a sense of humor about it all. But it's hard. And in my worst moments I take it out on my daughters. :(

3. Share a Bible verse, song, poem that has brought you comfort?

My favorite hymn is "Be Thou my Vision."
And I love this Bible verse: "When you call me, when you go to pray to me, I will listen to you. When you look for me, you will find me. Yes, when you seek me with all your heart, you will find me with you, says the Lord." Jeremiah 29:12-14

But ya know, I've read some posts of yours that express a reality that challenges this promise of God's. Who knows? Maybe there is an intentional withdrawing that God does sometimes. But I struggle with that possibility. It's too close to the notion that God causes suffering. Which brings me to...

4. Is "why suffering" a valid question?

Yes of course, a very valid question. And no answers. Sometimes I think of C.S. Lewis' analogy of the blows of the sculptor's chisel are what create and reveal the beauty and potential that was hidden beneath the raw stone. But seems a little simple. Dunno.

5. And on a lighter note- you have reached the end of a dark and difficult time- how are you going to celebrate?

Hmmm. Not sure. I think I'd celebrate by truly being full of joy in the moment. Of living that moment whomever I'm with fully with joy and presence. Because whenever I come out of a dark and difficult time, just the day to day moments feel free and joyful when not shadowed and burdened with darkness. And alas, PERSPECTIVE, that healer and merry-maker comes again.

Friday Five: Seasons Change...

2007-08-31T08:59:00.000-07:00

Reverendmother over at RevGals gave us this Friday Five:

It's Labor Day weekend here in the United States, also known as Summer's Last Hurrah. So let's say goodbye to summer and hello to the autumn. (People in other climes, feel free to adapt as needed.)

1. Share a highlight from this summer. (If you please, don't just say "our vacation to the Canadian Rockies." Give us a little detail or image. Help us live vicariously through you!)

Standing among the tidepools of northern California with my 4 year-old. I shared with her a favorite pasttime from my childhood: squishing sea anemones and watching them squirt. I do this as gently as possible, and only a few times! They're just so squishy and cute!

2. Are you glad to see this summer end? Why or why not?

I suppose so. My husband is on the academic calendar, so the summer represents family time and a lot of teamwork regarding the house and the girls. So it's hard to transition out of that but I feel ready for the return of more routine and schedule.

3. Name one or two things you're looking forward to this fall.

Well, I'm looking forward to starting my discernment committee. At least, I have been looking forward to it until recently. Right now I'm dreading it and in terror, but I think I just have to START. Once I get a date I'll feel better. No, once I have the first meeting I'll feel better. I'm also looking forward to exploring the Saving Jesus curriculum with my church. It's the focus of our Christian formation this year and should be very interesting and thought provoking.

4. Do you have any special preparations or activities to mark the transition from one season to another? (Cleaning of house, putting away summer clothes, one last trip to the beach)

Not really. I like the idea of this. I like ritualizing passages. Especially here in California where seasons blend into one another.

5. I'll know Fall is here when I start feeling like baking apple things and making butternut squash soup for dinner...when the air gets drier and the sky gets bluer and I feel like pumpkin things...when the one deciduous tree (Sycamore) in our back yard view starts to turn orange.

Falling in trust

2007-08-29T14:06:00.000-07:00

Something happened yesterday. I won't go into details, but something...a possibility...a hope...appeared and was a big reminder to trust God. One can hear the words "trust God" from others, but the truest way to remember this is to experience it. So I am thankful for the perspective it gave me. For the energy and hope. Why does this alway seem to happen when we're at the end of our ropes and not before? Maybe because it strengthens our faith. If it happened before we wouldn't need it as much and we wouldn't notice it as much.

Who said that "there are no coincidences, just spiritual puns." I think it was G.K. Chesterton.

The Morning After

2007-08-28T17:14:00.000-07:00

I feel better after last night's late-night post. And a little sheepish and vulnerable. But feels good to release those demons into the written word. Written word that is actually read by other unknown witnesses. I think it's good for me, if a little embarrassing. I feel the temptation to qualify those thoughts, to dilute some of the tone, but no. I'll just let it lie there and be. And here I am today, feeling a lot better and with a little more perspective. Maybe it was watching the recent film Becoming Jane. Mercy! I SO TAKE FOR GRANTED the liberties women have today. What a world it was back then. NO freedom. SHACKLES of class and fortune or lack thereof. It still exists today for many people, yes, but not for me and for that I am, at least today, grateful.

Scary to post this one cause it don't make me look good. Should probably do a bit more of this.

2007-08-27T22:38:00.000-07:00

Authenticity. Honesty. Integration. These things don't come easily to me. Or do they? Jeez, these thoughts just feel so narcissistic, and yet they consume me lately, as I approach the beginning of official discernment. I was flipping through Listening Hearts, one of the books recommended to discerners and there was a phrase that warns against making an idol of discernment. Ouch. I am guilty.

But how can I help it? It is so overwhelming to consider a life-changing move, a huge decision that impacts others I love dearly? And all this business of "call." Do I feel called? Yes and no. Unfortunately, I feel so distorted lately. I feel so far away from that energizing life-affirming God seeking place of call that I have felt. Now I am stuck in a mire of neuroses and paranoia and fear. What if it's all just a huge ego trip? What if I just like the idea of being a priest? Sometimes it doesn't feel at all like entering into a humble life of service, but a powerful position of purpose and importance. I just need to write these words because I need to realease the power they have over me. What if I'm so full of it? I know I've written this before. What if the most loving and "Christian" thing for me to do is to resign this dream that feels so much for myself and truly live for others, like um, actually be present to my children and family and neighbors? Why do I have to be ordained? Why can't I just support my husband's career instead of threatening it? Why can't I just volunteer my time as a layperson at church? Why this insistent obsessive pull to the priesthood? Some would say it's a call. It's sure not letting me go. But I so fear its motives. I suppose that's a healthy thing, in a way. At least I'm not this egomaniac certain of God's call. But I'm an egomaniac in a different way...obsessed with this process and so doubtful. And yet....And yet....How I am to claim any sense of call when I'm so stuck inside my head listening to all these voices?

Just a little Vent session

2007-08-27T13:23:00.001-07:00

Warning: I am about to vent about mom things.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaagjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjj. Okay, I feel better. Ya know, I really have nothing to complain about. But I'm still pulling my hair out. I'm a "stay-at-home" mother of a 2 year old and a 4 year old. I am just so TIRED of never being able to complete ONE task. AND what's really getting me today is I spent the morning taking them to a park and met a friend there and I just wanted to complete ONE sentence with her. It was absolutely impossible to carry on a conversation. I brought the kids to a fun place where I wanted them to just PLAY without me so I could have an adult conversation. Forget it! I felt pulled in so many directions and I spend so many of my days pulled in all these directions and it feels like I'm going mad. When I tell Husband about this, he listens, but doesn't really get it, because whenever he takes them for a few hours he manages to complete 3 loads of laundry, play with them beautifully, and tidy the house, without breaking a sweat. But I struggle. And it has a lot to do with me being with them all day every day. I love them. I live in a ridiculously beautiful city. But unless I spend the whole day on the floor with them (which I am not willing to do), it feels like a desperate attempt to just do ONE thing without them screaming and whining and trying to kill each other. This will be better when the 4 year old starts preschool. And I know that I have particularly "active" children. On my worse days I take it personally, but I've realized lately that it really is their personalities. And it will be wonderful later...they are so full of personality. But sometimes I envy the dull sweet well-behaved children I observe sometimes with their mothers. Of course, I'm sure I'm just catching them at a good moment. sigh. Sorry. I just needed to do this. I SO hope my desire to go into the priesthood isn't because I'm desperate to get out of the house. I know it's more than that but I wonder sometimes. Thank God they're in quiet time right now. bye.

Waking up to my life

2007-08-19T20:25:00.000-07:00

Today as I was at the beach with my family, life hit me. Does this ever happen to you? It was as if I was floating along in my day, doing the tasks set before me, then WHAM I realized what was actually around me. I stared at my little girls frolicking in the sand and the waves. WOAH. I have two daughters! And this is what they look like!! I remembered back to my teen years when I daydreamed about what my children might be like some day. And here they are! And here I am! Trippy. And wait a second, look at that hot guy. That's my husband. The same guy I bitch at and take for granted a lot of the time. He's so handsome. And look how he plays with his daughters. It was like a DOSE of the PRESENT. of the MOMENT. That we so rarely allow ourselves to experience. I think it was brought on by one of my favorite authors Annie Dillard. I'm re-reading her authobiography An American Childhood and in it she writes:

What a marvel it was that so many times a day the world, like a church bell, reminded me to recall and contemplate the durable fact that I was here, and had awakened once more to find myself set down in a going world.

and...

Time streamed in full flood beside me on the kitchen floor; time roared raging beside me down its swollen banks; and when I woke I was so startled I fell in.

and...

Who could ever tire of this heart-stopping transition, of this breakthrough shift between seeing and knowing you see, between being and knowing you be? It drives you to a life of concentration, it does, a life in which effort draws you down so very deep that when you surface you twist up exhilirated with a yelp and a gasp. Who could ever tire of this radiant transition, this surfacing to awareness and this deliberate plunging to oblivion - the theater curtain rising and falling? Who could tire of it when the sum of those moments at the edge - the conscious life we so dread losing - is all we have, the gift at the moment of opening it?

Help! Attack of Atheism

2007-08-19T20:22:00.000-07:00

I know you've had one. An atheism attack. My most recent one happened two days ago after I read about the devastating earthquake in Peru. I know there are horrible things that happen every day. And I shake my head at them, heave a sigh, but move on pretty easily. Probably too easily. But the fact that 85 people died while worshiping in church has just pummelled me. They were praying and the walls caved in. Is nothing sacred? I know children die unjustly every day. And this should send me into despair as well. But it was this that did it for me.

Friday Five, Word Association Redux

2007-08-17T14:47:00.000-07:00

Today is Friday Five from Rev Gals. I'm not feeling particularly verbose today, but I like these words:

Below you will find five words. Tell us the first thing you think of on reading each one. Your response might be simply another word, or it might be a sentence, a poem or a story.

1. vineyard
Well, I think of all the vineyards in these lovely mountains of Southern California...all the wineries and vines full of grapes...and how they're all covered in smoke and ash right now. I think of the great movie Sideways and all the commercialization it's brought to this part of the world, bringing the good and the bad with that. I think about how the vines will continue to produce sweet delicious grapes despite these wildfires...which brings me to the association with the next word...

2. root
I think of roots as the saving element...they go deep down into the soil where they draw deeply from water unaffected (to some extent) from the smoke and dirty air above.

3. rescue
the image of a live-saver comes to mind...the kind a lifeguard might throw to me in a pool.

4. perseverance
Man, I need this now. Perseverance in not giving up on me.

5. divided
Well...the church. That comes to mind immediately.

Seeking Christ

2007-08-14T21:14:00.000-07:00

I'm enjoying this book right now: Taking the Plunge: Baptism and Parenting by Anne Kitch. In Chapter 10, she writes about the part of our Baptismal Covenant that asks Will you seek and serve Christ in all persons, loving your neighbor as yourself? She writes: "We're marked by the sign of the cross on our foreheads to signify that this bond with Christ is sealed. Yet this ritual is a symbol for something true for the entire world. We believe Christ saved all of creation. Through baptism we choose to participate consciously in that salvation. Nevertheless, Christ saved the entire world, baptized or not. That's why we can seek Christ in all persons. We can look for in any person that which is the redeemed image of God. What does this mean? It means to look for that which is risen in one another - that which is beautiful, powerful, and loving. This promise asks us to 'seek' out the image of God in others. We are actually to go looking for Christ."

I love this. Of course, it's nothing new, but it hit me in a new way when I read it this morning. I've witnessed so many baptisms and I've read those words so many times, but never really paid attention to the "seek" verb. I love the notion of actively seeking Christ in others...especially in others in whom Christ is hardest to see.

She connects this to parenting and offers a story about how we as parents need to avoid knee jerk responses, even when our children may have acted terribly or disrespectfully. Not that we should avoid harsh discipline, but that we need to take a breath and really listen past the behavior and sometimes just offer grace and love them through their ugliness. I could REALLY work on this. When Center of Attention spouts off some of her attitude I tend to fly off the handle. Nothing gets me going more than when she is blatantly disrespectful. And of course I shouldn't allow this behavior towards me. But perhaps I can be the grown-up and take into account the time of day, her level of fatigue or hunger, the situation at hand, and sometimes offer a hug instead of a reprimand...or at least just let it go sometimes.

Anyway...this book offers much to chew on and great ideas for living out our baptismal covenant as parents and creating a spiritually nourishing home environment.

Hail, Mary, full of grace

2007-08-09T17:03:00.000-07:00

Husband and I left the kids with my parents and we drove up north one mile to the town of Mendocino...time to get away together for an afternoon and evening. It was beautiful on the road, but I was in a funk. Under a shadow. In the grip of icky grumpiness. There's just something about being around my family...my parents and brother...I just get dark and judgmental. Such a shame because we're in this beautiful place together and it feels like I can't control it. Husband sweetly turned to me from behind the wheel and asked if there was anything I wanted to talk about. "Not really", I sighed. I didn't feel like exploring it. We arrived in town and grabbed lattes to go and walked out to the headlands and found a spot atop a rock jutting out over the bay. It was unusually still...usually very very windy this time of year. And I felt my tension melting away. For one hour we just vented...but it wasn't gossipy mean venting, it was more like just letting go of thoughts and feelings...together. My mood lifted and I felt so close to Husband. It was so therapeutic being alone together in the open air with all that beauty around us. We were sifting through a lot of stuff. At some point, I shared my worry about money...how I feel called to be less greedy and more free and less of a hoarder and more of a giver...we had a good talk, but I felt weighed down by this. It was time to go and we meandered back through town, all the shops closed for the day. But there was one with its doors wide open and golden light pouring out. "Wisdom House" the sign read and I saw an incredibly inviting image of Mary in the front entrance and I had no choice but to go in. It was just too inviting. I walked in and I was surrounded by the most healing and powerful and womanly images of Mary. I'm sure some of the paintings were goddess imagery, but so many of them were Mary. I gushed to the artist, the shop-owner, how much Center of Attention would love her gallery...she loves Mary. But it was me to whom these paintings ministered. Husband and I spent 15 minutes in there but I left feeling so peaceful and joyful and just okay about everything. It's funny...it was only later, after reading through her catalogue, I realized how "new age" you could label that place. But there was so much beautiful divine feminine energy in there...it pretty much knocked my socks off, and I am sensitive to new-agey stuff and stay away from a lot of it. But I am so grateful that Mary reached out to me yesterday, reminding me how loved I am, reminding me how beautiful I am and how hard I am on myself. Thank you, lovely woman, full of grace.

Technologically spoiled

2007-08-02T14:13:00.000-07:00

Well here I am "up north" as we call it and it appears I won't be blogging as much as I hoped. It takes FOREVER to check email and use this computer...I'm so used to my DSL at home and this is dial-up. So...that's my lame excuse in case I don't write much while I'm up here. We've been picking huckleberries today...will make a pie with Center of Attention later. Should be fun. And we were hiking along the tidepools and almost stepped on what looked like a big rock...turned out to be a huge sea lion! Glad it reared up when it did. They are loud right now! So loud that they can keep you up at night. The cutest thing EVER: in the middle of the night, I woke up and heard The Two Year Old stirring in her pack n play...she was just lying there making her little sea lion bark, imitating them. She did it a few times then rolled over and went back to sleep. A delcious moment for me. The rest of the family arrives tonight and I'm making paella. yummy! I'm enjoying Sara Miles' book Take This Bread. I'm only a little way in, but loving her description of the Eucharist. Anyway, be back soon, I hope.

Sea Lions and redwoods here I come!

2007-07-30T22:40:00.000-07:00

I'm off for 10 days to northern California, to my favorite place on earth. My grandmother used to live there and I grew up visiting her...dramatic sea cliffs, gorgeous ocean vistas, and the best smell in the air EVER...I wish I could bottle it up and bring it home with me. Husband and Center of Attention are camping out for two nights on their way up there and I'm going on an airplane with The Two Year Old...she's horrible in the car and it's a 10 hour drive, so airplane it is! I'll be blogging from up there. I plan to spend good time with my crazy family (parents and brother) as well as reading and journaling. Because this is the beginning of the trip, I'm romanticizing it...but sure enough, it will spiral...there's just a bit too much wine drinking at night (mostly my dad and brother) and Husband likes to stir the pot with inflammatory questions and topics of conversation and then I add to the drama with being over-sensitive....hmmm...will I be able to survive 10 days? Luckily there is space...and everyone does tend to mellow out up there...it's just a lot of family time, if you know what I mean. But oh, the beaches and the tidepools! The squishy sea anemones! The wild windswept meadows and fields of llamas and geese....deep breath. I can't wait.

Friday Five

2007-07-27T20:48:00.000-07:00

First of all, can someone kindly tell me how to get pictures as part of the blog post, and not just above the post? How do I incorporate pictures within the individual post??

1. Have you experienced living through an extreme weather event- what was it and how did you cope?
Okay, so I was born and raised in Southern California, so not much extreme weather events there. BUT despite that, my biggest fear as a child was a tornado. I was utterly terrified. Not make much sense, huh? Since we NEVER get tornadoes in southern Cali. But what can I say? I was a sensitive child with a wild imagination. Just the image in my mind of a funnel cloud still sends shivers down my spine. We had very windy hot winds, called the Santa Anas. They're kind of spooky and people associate them with "earthquake weather." Was I afraid of earthquakes like I should have been? Nope. Tornadoes. And a close second was tidal waves. BUT just this summer I experienced a crazy storm on a teeny lake in the north tip of Idaho and I was so brave. Even though it really was like a cyclone, I remained calm. Because my girls were watching me and so I had to be. And we lost power for 6 days. Cool. Glad to be home.

2. How important is it that we wake up to issues such as global warming?

Very important. very. What will it take for us to wake up? An inconvenient truth definitely made an impact. It did on me. And I find myself asking the question, what will it take to make real changes in how we live? I fear as long as there is the option to ignore it, we will. As long as the threat isn't imminent, we don't really change. I make an effort. But I could make a bigger one. Convenience and habit are nasty little powerful things.

3. The Christian message needs to include stewardship of the earths resources agree/ disagree?

Agree. God gave us this creation for us. There is so much of God in the creation. The church should be spending more time and energy on this message.

And because it is summer- on a brighter note....

4. What is your favourite season and why?

Hmmm...the Fall. Even though I live somewhere where "the Fall" might as well be summer winter or Spring, I have become attuned to the difference in this season...the air is drier and cooler and the sky is bluer. The few deciduous trees in my city lose their leaves and I seek out those crunchy sycamore leaves on the sidewalks. I pretend it's more fall-like than it appears and it does wonders...I feel like baking and sipping apple cider and going apple picking. I think there's also something so poetic in Autumn...something so melancholy and bittersweet and metaphorical. Just love it.

5. Describe your perfect vacation weather....

A little humid (because that feels "other" and romantic to me), mostly sunny, but weather coming in and out....like Kauai where the day starts out a little humid and warm, then out of nowhere a thunderstorm comes and dumps crazy rain for 10 minutes, then leaves with just the trace of freshness and then a rainbow appears and more hot sun. Or like the skies in Minnesota in the summer...kind of the same thing...

Discernment Panic

2007-07-27T17:18:00.000-07:00

Okay, just had a sobering conversation with someone else from my church going through the discernment process. Jeez! I need to get my stuff together. I have this trust in the process, because without that trust I'd be in a complete panic frenzy. I just keep clinging to the strong sense of call I have and that God is leading me. But got to be realistic...I am going to be TESTED and grilled and I'm still so unsure about the nature of my vocational calling...I'm so unsure and I like to envision discernment as DISCERNMENT and not PROOF and DEFENDING but exploring and envisioning in community. But I need to be able to articulate and claim my sense of call. My biggest fear is that I won't be able to articulate my feelings and my sense. It still feels blurry and so very slowly coming into focus. Does this mean that it's too early to do the official discernment committee? I've been waiting for a while now, in the hope that my vision would sharpen, but finally I decided the only way for it to sharpen is to allow the committee to help me. But I'm afraid it will be the third degree and that I'll crumble under the pressure. I am not convinced I should become ordained. I just have this very strong pull and yearning and dream that I've had since I was a little girl. I have gifts that could be used as a priest. But they can be used elsewhere. Do I HAVE to become ordained? No. Do I have to pretend I'm more sure than I am? In a sense, I AM more sure than I let on, even to myself. It's just hard for me to say it out loud to others. To "sell" myself as an obvious choice for the priesthood. I have so many misgivings, how honest can I be? Really, as I strive for authenticity and forthrightnes and honesty in my life, I have to be honest with the committee. It's my only way forward, but I have to have the guts to say that I'd be a damn good priest. Just feeling nervous as the first meeting approaches (in September, I think). It feels like this is my one shot and what if I mess it up? I can get in my own way, and in the Spirit's way, sometimes.

This I Believe, Too

2007-07-26T20:40:00.000-07:00

Well, I shared my "This I Believe" with my small group today. I'm including it here because I changed quite a bit since the last time I posted it. What a great experience to share that. Someone else read it out loud a second time and that was wonderful and hard to hear someone else reading my personal words.

btw - I just read ReverendMother's Harry Potter sermon...it is amazing! Check it out. I feel too lazy tonight to create a link...just go to my link list and click on that and go to her archives till you find it.

This I Believe

I believe in faith. I have faith in faith. I have since I was a little girl. As far back as I can remember I have been aware of a loving presence inside me, in the eyes and words of other people, and in the hugeness and beauty of nature. I haven’t always been able to describe or articulate this faith. It seems I struggle to now more than ever. But it’s always been there, like a steady current running deep under a sometimes stormy ocean. If I had to describe who God feels like to me in a stream of consciousness sort of way, I’d use words like infinitely and agonizingly patient, ridiculously lavishly loving, terrifying in scope and power, amused at human silliness, heartbroken over human pain, absurdly funny, profoundly, beautifully, agonizingly mysterious and incomprehensible, ever ever ever present, ever approachable, always offering an invitation, and eager for intimacy with us.

When I was 10 years old, my grandfather died. It was that week that I was supposed to go to my first sleep-away camp in the mountains. I can’t remember if I wanted to go. I know that I had to miss the funeral. But I went. I’m not sure if my parents agonized over this decision, but there I was, up in the mountains for one week with lots of other 4th graders. I was sad and lonely and confused. But it was the first time I slept under the stars. I remember staring up at the pine-infused black night sky, covered with stars – such a contrast to the sky of my city childhood. I was awe-struck and full of wonder and questions. We sat around a campfire every night and sang cheesy Christian songs. But I loved it. “Spirit of the Living God, fall a-fresh on me. Meld me, Mold me, fill me, use me”. I so remember this song, and the Sunday school sign language that went along with it. I felt the Holy Spirit with me those nights...present in the night air, in the gathering around the campfire, in the sweet off-key lilt of the children’s voices. And at the end of one of these evenings, the head camp counselor invited anyone who wanted to ask Jesus into their hearts to stay after. Writing this now, I cringe. This theology freaks me out. But I felt a pull and a curiosity and something kept me seated on that log bench, even though it drew snickers from my friends. I remember my counselor leading me to a large flat rock in the shadows, under the stars and we prayed for Jesus to enter my heart. I think I hoped something big would happen, or that I’d at least feel some kind of flicker inside me. But nothing. Just the prayer and then off to bed. I remember being confused that I had to ask Jesus. Wasn’t he there already? What would keep him away? Well...I no longer believe in the need to say the right words for God to be with me. But I do believe something shifted in me that night...if for no other reason than that night has always stayed in my memory in a very potent way. I do believe in Jesus as a living present reality active in our world. I believe something cosmic shifted with his birth, death and resurrection. I pretty much believe in the Nicene Creed, as it attempts to put words to great mysteries that can never be explained by words. I believe that all matter is inherently good. I believe in the achingly beautiful stuff of the physical world: the way my baby smelled behind her ears, the pudgy pudge of her baby feet, the feeling of my milk letting down, the smell of the air in northern California – salt and pine and cedar and sweet grass, the shock of diving into a mountain lake, my husband’s warm body under the sheets, the sound and smell of rain, a cat’s purr. It’s all so damn gorgeous and it all points to a creator so in love with us. I believe in the church...in its ability to do great good and healing and exploring and reconciling and storytelling and feeding and encouraging. I believe in church bells. Every time I hear them it feels like a voice from another time and place, calling to me, reminding me that time is passing, reminding me that another time exists super-imposed on this one, reminding me how insignificant I am but also how very significant. I also believe in you, my fellow women at the well. I believe in your stories and in your dreams. I believe in the pilgrim heart that lives within each of you. Besides all this, I believe that the most important thing we can do as parents is to stay in love with our kids. I believe that guacamole is the best food on the planet. A close second is linguine with melted brie, basil, garlic and tomatoes. A close third is warm sour dough bread fresh out of the oven smeared with butter. I believe in the light and hope I see in my two daughters’ eyes. And at the end of the day, I believe that all will be well... that all is not well, but that all will be well. That it really is all right. And even though I’m trying to claim my own thoughts and express them without fear, I must end with a quote from my love Madeleine L’Engle: “I mean these words. I do not understand them, but I mean them. Perhaps one day I will find out what I mean. They are behind everything, the cooking of meals, walking the dogs, talking with the girls. I may never find out with my intellectual self what I mean, but if I am given enough glimpses perhaps these will add up to enough so that my heart will understand. It does not; not yet.”

Hospital Monday

2007-07-16T13:46:00.000-07:00

Just some thoughts/questions from my morning at the hospital.

One kind older gentleman said, "I guess my faith just faded away. It shouldn't have, but it did. Maybe it will fade back someday." I like his wording...that faith can fade back. How does a chaplain respond to this comment? I nodded and told him I liked how he put that. I just listened and was present. He went on to describe his Calvary Chapel experience, where he and his wife attend. He loves the energy there. He clearly is uplifted by the music and the services. What more could I have said? My role at the hospital doesn't seem to be necessarily one of guiding people back to faith, but to be present to where they are at the moment. And that's what I did. But I wonder if I could have gently said something else...

I meet so many people who have left the church because they couldn't stand the hypocrisy they saw there. What is this? I hear it all the time. Is this a failure of the church? The notion that the leaders have to be perfect pure holy people, and not in fact human? What I like about my church is that the leaders are human and they bring their wholeness into their leadership and they encourage us to bring our whole selves into the pews and up to the altar for Communion. So often I hear of churches that only accept our Sunday bonnet perfect happy stable selves. And yet, and yet...leaders must really try to lead Christ-like lives. And I suppose this is the trouble...they so often fail and they are such public figures. I wish my church challenged us more regarding how we live our lives. The emphasis is on challenging us regarding social justice. We are challenged about how we spend our time, talent and treasure. Very very important. But I never hear about the importance of trying to be holy or pure for God and for others. I struggle with this holy pure expectation of clergy and of Christians in general. I think it has done a lot of harm. But Paul asks us to seek purity. How do we navigate this? How do we balance this?

I met a woman this morning whose faith was alive. But it was SO different than mine. She called herself "born again" and shared that she left the "corrupt Episcopal Church" because it was full of hypocrisy. (There we go again.) She told me she's sure the endtimes are near. I prayed with her and it touched her and we shared a sweet connection. But I felt a little false. As a volunteer hospital chaplain I meet many people from many different expressions of Christianity. But I struggled with this one...I did a lot of empathetic head nodding...again, where do I just listen and when do I gently nudge? It seems wrong to try to bring people to my personal faith, when there's is working just fine for them....

2007-07-10T07:10:00.000-07:00

Well...I just got back from 10 days in the Northwest. Visiting family. I missed blogging and reading your wonderful blogs and feel quite out of sync. But it was a good trip. Glad to be home. Just to catch up, I think I'll transcribe a few journal entries because they belong here.

From my journal on retreat, 6/16/07:
So it's 1:30pm. I've been here for 4 hours. Wow. I find it hard to be in the present. As I discover beautiful benches and holy nooks, I find myself trying to plan when I'll return to that spot with what book instead of just enjoying it in the moment. But I've found a bench overlooking a dramatic mountain view and I am swiftly transported back in time one year ago exactly when I was on a different retreat; when I bravely blurted out my dream of priesthood; when I walked around the grounds feeling right in my skin as if my true essence had finally oozed its way to the surface. One year later, I'm about to finally meet with my priest to tell him I'm ready to begin formal discernment. One year. A year of endless reading, some praying, stumbling through parenthood and marriage amidst a crisis of identity shifting, reorientation and disorientation (not in that order, or maybe not?), speaking in code and generalities in my small groups, and finally here. O yeah, and groping my way through the darkness of hospital rooms in my chaplaincy. And tomorrow I tell my priest I'm ready. I'm ready to let-be-known my sense of call. I'm ready to seriously explore it in a discernment committee. If I wait any longer, I'll be 80 before the time I get ordained, if ever. Still so scared and full of doubt, but got to jump forward anyway. I have a safety net in God who loves this attempt, even if She's shaking her head and rolling her eyes. Or maybe, just maybe, she's the one taking my heart and lovingly, skillfully pulling it through my ribs and out into somewhere else and I must follow.

From later that day:
I am now sitting under this beautiful palm tree. It's short and thick with a huge trunk and an enormous umbrella of fronds creating gorgeous shade. I'm sitting in an adirondack chair under its branches. And I feel so protected. And suddenly this tree feels like God saying, "I want to protect you." From what? This is quite a strong feeling. I just notice one empty chair beside me.

From later on still:
I just walked the stone labyrinth. Rugged. Messy. Beautiful in its chunky ragged order. I loved the printed sheet that guided the walk, especially:
Discard our many roles and simply say "I am."

Choose to ignore all our ideas about God and other theological concepts and any spiritual skills and seek to become a child.

These two resonated with me the most. When I got to the center I noticed offerings of fellow pilgrims: rocks, money, photos, bracelets, notes. My first thought was a reprimand to myself, that I didn't do it right. Then, a smile, loving my silly rule-following self. Then I really took in all the little rocks and burdens, wishes and sorrows, hopes and dreams, fears and pain and I reached out and touched them with an outpouring of compassion. And in that moment I felt like a priest - loving, touching, honoring but not disturbing the stuff of my fellow pilgrims. I wanted to gather them up and do something with them, but instead I offered a prayer - a general prayer of lifting them into God, and I blessed them.

Back to the guidelines for the center of the labyrinth- the ones that stood out were:

Take the risk of recognizing an emptiness in myself that only love can fill.

Contemplate the blessing of the hidden nature of God who cannot be fully known, cannot be manipulated, cannot be made into an idol, cannot be pinned down, contained or tamed.

This came as such a relief to me. I breathed a deep releasing satisfying breath. I've been spending so much energy on trying to figure out who God is, who Jesus is and this seeking is essential but there must be the balance which holds the reality that the HOLY is unfathomable.

I was a rebel and picked up one of the little rocks in the center and carried it with me out into the world. I now feel the responsibility to pray for this rock and for the pilgrim who has unwittingly entrusted it to me. I hesitated before I did this, then decided that I would love it if someone did that for me.

On my journey out of the labyrinth:

Move away from anxiety toward peace and faith.

Yes. Away from anxiety. So I bowed to the labyrinth and bounced away, centered and free, to explore more of the grounds. I found a sitting rock I must return to at sunset. I traipsed along, then stepped into a huge pile of shit. God has a sense of humor. He likes taking me from the clouds down to earth. So much for letting go of anxiety. I decided it must be mountain lion poop because it was huge and also very fresh. I tried to scrape it into a nearby tuft of grass and started seeing huge buzzards soaring over me. Okay, time to get back inside the cloister. Was this the Fragmenter, the One who tries to keep us away from God? Or just the absurdity of life?

more later...

back from the mountain

2007-06-26T08:06:00.000-07:00

I can't believe how long it's been since I've posted! Just shows how much has been going on. I had an incredible 24 hours at the monastery. Wow. Just all that delicious silence and gardens and libraries and bells. I must share this poem that was on the wall. It so speaks to me:

A Prayer to the God who Fell From Heaven

If you had stayed
tightfisted in the sky
and watched us thrash
with all the patience of a pipe smoker,
I would pray
like a golden bullet
aimed at your heart.
But the story says
you cried
and so heavy was the tear
you fell with it to the earth
where like a baritone in a bar
it is never time to go home.
So you move among us
twisting every straight line
into Picasso,
stealing kisses from pinched lips,
holding our hand in the dark.
So now when I pray
I sit and turn my mind
like a television knob
till you are there
with your large open hands
spreading my life before me
like a Sunday tablecloth
and pulling up a chair yourself;
for by now
the secret is out.
You are home."
- John Shea

All for now. There's just too much...must do it in pieces...

This I Believe

2007-06-13T13:55:00.001-07:00

Have any of you ever heard the NPR "This I believe" stories? I'm in a small group and our leader suggested that we write our own "This I believe" statements. It's quite an exercise. Might some of you try it on your blogs? If you do, let me know! Here's mine:

This I Believe

I believe in God. I have since I was a little girl. As far back as I can remember I have been aware of a loving presence inside me, in the eyes and words of other people, and in the hugeness and beauty of nature. When I was 10 years old, my grandfather died. It was that week that I was supposed to go to my first sleep-away camp in the mountains. I can’t remember if I wanted to go. I know that I had to miss the funeral. But I went. I’m not sure if my parents agonized over this decision, but there I was, up in the mountains for one week with lots of other 4th graders. I was sad and lonely and confused. But it was the first time I slept under the stars. I remember staring up at the pine-infused black night sky, covered with stars – such a contrast to the sky of my city childhood. I was awe-struck and full of wonder and questions. We sat around a campfire every night and sang cheesy Christian songs. But I loved it. “Spirit of the Living God, fall a-fresh on me. Mold me, fill me, use me”. I so remember this song, and the sign language that went along with it. I felt the Holy Spirit with me those nights...present in the night air, in the gathering around the campfire, in the sweet off-key lilt of the children’s voices. And at the end of one of these evenings, the head camp counselor invited anyone who wanted to ask Jesus into their hearts to stay after. Writing this now, I cringe. This theology freaks me out. But I felt a pull and a curiosity and something kept me seated on that log bench, even though it drew snickers from my friends. I remember my counselor leading me to a large flat rock in the shadows, under the stars and we prayed for Jesus to enter my heart. I think I hoped something big would happen, or that I’d at least feel some kind of flicker inside me. But nothing. Just the prayer and then off to bed. I remember being confused that I had to ask Jesus. Wasn’t he there already? What would keep him away? Well...I no longer believe in the need to say the right words for God to be with me. But I do believe something shifted in me that night...if for no other reason than that night has always stayed in my memory in a very potent way. I do believe in Jesus as a living present reality active in our world. I believe he was God incarnated in a human person, and not just a man fully infused with God. I believe something cosmic shifted with his birth, death and resurrection. I pretty much believe in the Nicene Creed, as it exists in the realm of poetry, of attempting to put words to great mysteries that can never be explained by words. I believe that all matter is inherently good. I believe that there is true power in the Bible, even though it is flawed and full of human stuff. I believe there is power in actually saying the words of the Gospel, beyond our understanding. I believe we’re all priests and that God calls each of us in different ways. I believe that God does act in our lives...that She gets down in the nitty gritty and does things. I believe the Eucharist is the heartbeat of what we do as a community of faith. I believe I’m sounding rather boring and religious and obnoxious. I believe in the church...in its ability to do great good and healing and exploring and reconciling and storytelling and feeding and encouraging. Besides this, I believe that the most important thing we can do as parents is to stay in love with our kids. I believe that guacamole is the best food on the planet. A close second is linguine with melted brie, basil, garlic and tomatoes. A close third is warm sour dough bread fresh out of the oven smeared with butter. I believe in the light and hope I see in my two daughters’ eyes. And at the end of the day, I believe that all will be well. That all is not well, but that all will be well. That it really is all right. And even though I’m trying to claim my own thoughts and express them without fear, I must end with a quote from my love Madeleine L’Engle: “I mean these words. I do not understand them, but I mean them. Perhaps one day I will find out what I mean. They are behind everything, the cooking of meals, walking the dogs, talking with the girls. I may never find out with my intellectual self what I mean, but if I am given enough glimpses perhaps these will add up to enough so that my heart will understand. It does not; not yet.”

Body Shots

2007-06-12T20:08:00.000-07:00

Okay, seriously, this cracked me UP. I returned home from a long meeting with one of the priests at my church. The door to the garage opened and my husband greeted me with a tequila shot. And not just that, he wanted me to do a body shot. Ha ha ha aha. There was salt on his neck, mkay? Hilarious that he greeted me with this. From the holy to the profane. This is very unusual behavior and I thought it was pretty great. Can he greet me with that every day? Okay, maybe not.

And on a COMPLETELY different topic....I'm doing it. And this is NOT the tequila speaking. I'm meeting with my rector next week to tell him I'm ready to start a parish discernment committee in the fall. This is a huge step for me. Feels good to have finally made this decision. We'll see what he says...

The irony of this post is not lost on me...

The Best Guacamole you're ever had.

2007-06-12T14:37:00.001-07:00

Okay, so these amounts aren't exact....but it's the ingredients that count, not the quantity. Quantity should be to taste...

Take white onion, cilantro, kosher salt and diced jalapenos and squish them in the bottom of a bowl with a fork or the back of a spoon. Do this as long as you can...it releases all the flavors. Then, add the avocado and mix it together. Then add diced tomatoes and Voila...perfection. Make sure to not add too much salt at the beginning. Best to add some, then test later to see if you have enough.

Enjoy!

I've been tagged: Eight Random Things

2007-06-11T13:35:00.000-07:00

Okay, first the rules:

1. Each player starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
2. People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
3.At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
4. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

8 Random things about me:

1. I haven't talked much about my two little ones on my blog. Which is strange because they are a WEALTH of good stories. I suppose I've focused on things theological and they don't fit into that category a whole lot...except lately since my 4 year old...let's call her Center of Attention...has been asking me lots of questions about God. I tried to explain that when we pray, God can hear us. So when she prays with me at bedtime she says, "Hi, God. Are you there? Is that Him, Mama? Can he hear me? Why doesn't he have a voice? If he lives in my heart, where is my heart? Does he live in our cat's heart? Does he live in my stomach? Why did Jesus die? What did Jesus look like? Is he alive? Why can't I see him?" You know...THOSE easy questions to answer. And as usual with children, in the face of their earnest questions and my stumbling attempts at answering, I come face to face with what I truly believe. Or what I have no idea about (which is most of it).

2. I was once, gulp, this is SO embarrassing, a debutante. That's right, folks, coming out party and all. And it was the biggest conflict I ever had with my mother. It was so important to her that I do this whole thing and I found it repulsive and dripping with money and generally icky. She even made me take cotillion dance lessons. She says to me in a teasing way, "You will always be a debutante." Harumph. My small act of rebellion was to ask one of my highschool teachers as my date. Well, he wasn't really a teacher, he was the piano accompanist for my highschool singing group. He was super cute, though he looked a little like Kenny G with his crazy long curly hair, and he was significantly older than me and helped me mock the whole evening, respectfully...meaning, no one knew we were inwardly mocking and snickering. We're still friends and that night is a great source of laughter.

3. I have a secret passion to be in musical theatre. Wait, that's not true. I USED to have this dream. Don't really have it anymore. But last night I watched the Tony Awards and it stirred up those old passions. I even stood in my kitchen alone and belted out a ballad just to prove I still had it. But...um, I didn't really still have it. :) It was fun, anyway.

4. I have a MFA in Theatre and now I'm following a call into the church and you know what? Church is the best theatre I've ever seen. Hmm...maybe that's why I'm an Episcopalian.

5. I wish Madeleine L'Engle was my aunt who lived next door. And that she was 20 years younger, so she'd be on this earth a bit more.

6. I just noticed something about myself. It's not actually new, but it hit me in a new way. I've always been someone who has found it very easy to be positive. To be full of good energy. People have often commented that I naturally radiate a love and a joy and a light. But you know what? When I come home, I get a bit shadowy. Not that I don't have moments at home of joy and laughter and ease...there is much of this. But lately, I notice that out in the world I'm full of light, and at home I'm under a cloud. What does this mean? I have the most wonderful family EVER. Granted, having two little ones is challenging. But still...I want to radiate that same love and joy to THEM. That's my job. That's more important than how I act at the grocery store to perfect strangers. Hmmm....going to have to reflect on that one. It's definitely a pattern in my life. I remember being that way in my teen years. There's a bit of letting down at home, but not sure this is the healthiest way to be.

7. I love guacamole. It is my favorite food ever. And I have the BEST recipe, if anyone is interested.

8. I think N.T. Wright is helping bridge my theology....from my conservative upbringing to my progressive (way out there progressive) church that I currently attend. Still feeling stuck but I have hope at least.

Okay, I will now tag EIGHT of you....
1. Mother Laura here
2. Feminary here
3. Kate here
4. Susie here
5. Reverend Mother here
6. More Cows Than People here
7. Gannet Girl here
8. Cathy here

Friday Five: Island Escape Edition

2007-06-08T23:37:00.001-07:00

As posted by Cathy over at http://www.revgals.blogspot.com

We snitched a bit of time on an quiet island nearby this week. It was a last minute plan, escaping with a minimal amount of preparation. One must have essentials that make it a relaxing time. Perhaps you have had this opportunity to escape, or maybe it's only been a thought to get away. However, suppose you were told to pack some essentials for a trip to get away from the hustle and bustle of everyday life.Describe your location, in general or specific terms and....
1) What book(s) will you bring?
Okay, so I'm a total dork. Normally, I CRAVE and LUST after island getaways, but right now, as I answer these Friday Five questions, I'm salivating at my ACTUAL escape that is coming up in just a few days. I'm going to a monastery in the mountains for a one night retreat all by myself. No husband. No kids. No schedule. So...I'm not bringing any books because they have this great bookstore and I'm going to have to exert major willpower to just buy a few. And I will leaf through those books while I'm there.
2) What music accompanies you?
None. This will be a time of gorgeous symphonic harmonious QUIET.
3) What essentials of everyday living must you take (as in the health and beauty aids aisle variety)?
Sunscreen, lipgloss, the basics.
4) What technological gadgets if any, will you take with you or do you leave it all behind?
None. Except for my cell phone in case there's an emergency. But I will NOT be making any outgoing calls, nor will I answer the phone. Just there in case my hubbie has to leave me a message regarding emergency.
5) What culinary delights will you partake in while there?
Ummm...the meals are made by the brothers. They're supposed to be quite good. I hope the mealtimes aren't too awkward. I think breakfast is in silence, so that might be nice. I'm hoping to meet some of them...we'll see.
As a bonus question, what makes for a perfect day on vacation for you?
Assuming we're talking out-of-monastery vacations, plenty of time to read, to meander through the day, lots of time outdoors. A good meal at night with a bottle of wine.

Moonlight Sonata

2007-06-02T13:24:00.000-07:00

Just some scenes from my life I want to share:

The other day, at the end of my first spiritual direction meeting, my 80-something spiritual director led me to the door and said, "Go get 'em!" I loved this. How cute is this?

Last night, I woke up around 2am and had to squint my eyes because the full moon was shining through my window so brightly...so luminous, so BRIGHT. It took my sleepy breath away. It was stunning. Such an odd thing to wake to such moonlight. I found myself bathed in this glorious light and sank back into my pillow in gratitude. It was like a hug from the universe. I think it's something about his time of year. This time of year the moon shines directly through those windows in the middle of the night. I forgot this. Because most of the time I'm sleeping. But it reminded me of the last time I noticed this. My youngest daughter was a newborn. And I remember going into her nursery to check on her, or probably nurse her, and seeing her teeny new body bathed in this glorious moonlight. I remember opening her curtains so that this moonlight would surround and bless her...

And on a completely different note, I'm afraid. I'm so afraid. You know what my biggest fear is right now? It feels silly typing this out. It's that I'm severely delusional regarding wanting to be a priest. I'm afraid there is a group of people at my church conspiring to break it to me that I have no business dreaming what I'm dreaming and that I really am not cut out to be a priest. There, I said it. It is this fear that keeps me from beginning official discernment. It is this fear that keeps me from articulating my dream as clearly as I could. But I AM articulating it. And I am making baby steps. But I'm so afraid still. How silly. But I just don't want to be foolish. sigh.

Friday Five: Hopes, Dreams, Visions

2007-06-01T20:15:00.000-07:00

...as posted by Sally at http://www.revgalblogpals.blogspot.com

1. Think back to the time you left High School, what were your hopes visions and dreams for your life/ for the world?

When I graduated from high school I was full of dreams and excitement. I was on my way to a foofy Ivy League school and it was a miracle I actually got in. I was on the wait list for EVER and my SATs were not at all impressive. I wanted to go there because they had great English and Theatre departments. I couldn't decide whether I wanted to go into the church or the theatre. Hmm...not much has changed. I ended up going the theatre route and it was wonderful but frought with insecurity and obstacles. By the time I got to college I was smacked in the face with humility. Many of my classes felt over my head. But I thrived on the social scene and the arts on campus. It was the first time I set foot in an Episcopal church...a tiny chapel and I thought to myself...I am home. I completely fell in love.

2. Have those hopes visions and dreams changed a lot, or are some of them still alive and kicking? (share one if you can)

They haven't changed that much except I have fulfilled my biggest dream which was to get married and start a family. Sometimes I forget how much this dream has been fulfilled because it's so much a part of my everyday reality. I never gave breath to the dream of being a priest...until now. So I'm very excited with this possibility. I still have a crush on this dream, you know what I mean? I'm just trying to gain perspective and make sure it's not just the crush that propels me, but an actual calling and purpose. Trying to figure that one out.

3. Hebrews 11:1 " Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. " Comforting, challenging or frustrating?

This is comforting to me. Faith has always come easily to me. But it's the articulation of that faith that I find challenging and frustrating. And necessary.

4. If resources were unlimited, and you had free reign to pursue a vision what would it be?

I would move to New York City or Berkeley and go to seminary. My husband would get an amazing job in one of those places. Then we could return home here and I could pursue ministry.

5. Finally with summer upon us- and not to make this too heavy- share your dream holiday....where, when and who with...

Just my hubbie and me on an odyssey a la Eat Pray Love. Have you read the book? It's great. The author travels to Italy ("Eat"), an ashram in India ("Pray") and Bali ("Love). Okay, maybe that would take more than a summer...

adapted to seek God

2007-05-31T08:41:00.001-07:00

You know that Indigo Girls song about Virginia Woolf that goes "So I know it's all right. Life will come and life will go. So I know it's all right, cause I just got a letter to my soul." That's how I feel right now. I was glancing at my bookshelf the other day and found Evelyn Underhill's The Spiritual Life. I read it years ago, but couldn't remember its content. So this morning I started reading it...it's just a little book. But SO rich in its pages. SUCH a good reminder. Check this out: "for life means the fullest possible give and take between the living creature and its environment: breathing, feeding, growing, changing. And spiritual life, which is profoundly organic, means the give and take, the willed correspondence of the little human spirit with the Infinite Spirit; its feeding upon Him, its growth towards perfect union with Him, its response to His attraction and subtle pressure. That growth and that response may seem to us like a movement, a journey, in which by various unexpected and often unattractive paths, we are drawn almost in spite of ourselves - not as a result of our own over-anxious struggles - to the real end of our being, the place where we are ordained to be: a journey that is more like the inevitable movement of the iron flying to the great magnet that attracts it, than like the long and weary pilgrimage in the teeth of many obstacles from 'this world to that which is to come.' Or it may seem like a growth from the childlike, half-real existence into which we are born into a full reality."

The first half of this quote is the Eucharist, yes? And the second, calling. I love this. Makes me relax and just surrender to that pull and stop agonizing about it. To just pray and be in God and enjoy that reality.

Okay, bear with me. One more quote: "This, of course, is what religion is about; this adherence to God, this confident dependence on the unchanging. This is the more abundant life which, in its own particular language and own particular way, it calls us to live. Because it is our part in the one life of the whole universe of spirits, our share in the great drive towards Reality, the tendency of all life to seek God, who made it for Himself and now incites and guides it, we are already adapted to it, just as a fish is adapted to live in the sea. This view of our situation fills us with a certain awed and humble gladness. It delivers us from all niggling fuss about ourselves, prevents us from feeling self-important about our own little spiritual adventures, and yet makes them worthwhile as part of one great spiritual adventure."

sigh. Thanks, Evelyn.

progressive Christianity

2007-05-29T08:14:00.000-07:00

Check out this thoughtful post on progressive Christianity from mompriest: http://seekingauthenticvoice.blogspot.com

woes

2007-05-22T19:05:00.000-07:00

I'm so sad right now. I just got home from a wonderful talk with a newly ordained priest. The reason I decided to meet with her was to finally ask details about the real possibility of going to the closest seminary...quite a drive away...for their commuter program, which she attended. It was empowering. As we fleshed out details she said, "You're excuses are dwindling away." And she was so right. I was realizing that I've been clinging to my excuses as a reason to put this off. But it's so doable! So exciting that it's an actual possibility. UNTIL I came home and told my husband all about it. Whenever I get serious about this, and talk about it like it's going to happen in the near future, he gets nervous. So normal! This would be a huge change for our family and for him! BUT in his questions, in his wording and tone, I hear judgment and skepticism and fear and sexism. He insists that I'm seeing his comments through this prism, which is very possible. But it's the feminist that flares up inside me. I fear he completely takes my decision to stay home with the girls for granted. True, when I got pregnant, all I wanted to do was stay home. I didn't want to work. I had no ambition of any kind other than motherhood. But this has changed. I now have a dream and I am passionate about it. And I need his support if I have any chance at following through. When I say this to him, he gets very defensive about how hard he works and how cushy I have it. This is true! He works hard and I appreciate our life and all he does to support it. But that's not my point and he doesn't hear me. He doesn't hear that he has a career. He has a space, an office, a whole day away from the home. And I don't. My situation has major perks, but all this isn't the point. I point blank asked him if (ideally) he wants me to stay home until the kids are in college. I thought he'd say no, but this was his answer: "I don't think we have enough information to answer that question." Give me a break. He won't admit that he doesn't want me to go to grad school and become a priest. I SO understand his misgivings, I just wish he'd be honest about them. He says he wants me to be honest about my personality and that this grad school thing would be stressful for someone like me who is a bit high strung. Well, yeah! Does that mean I shouldn't do it? What's the alternative? The way he panics is to get very practical and to ask very practical questions, all which lead to arguing. What I want him to say to me (and this may be asking WAY too much) is "Honey, I know how much this means to you. I think you'd be great at it. We'll figure this out. It will be hard but I'm behind you. I love you and I so appreciate all you've given to this family while I've been pursuing my dream." ha ha ha ha ha ha. Pollyanna perhaps? C'mon revgals. I know this is something many of you have confronted. Why do we have to get into an ideological fight every time I'm actually serious about going back to school? He wants to know exactly what it will look like. "How will this affect our family?" A good question but not what I need right now. I've been such a coward, I need encouragement! Not this. And how can I possibly know (until I'm doing it) how it will exactly affect our family. But I love him. And I need to be sensitive to where he's at. Just feeling stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Cheer up, Church, you're worse off than you think

2007-05-10T19:49:00.000-07:00

Phew! What a day! Much to write about.

The title for this post comes from a song by Charlie Peacock. I don't even fully know what it means, but I like it and it came to mind during a discussion I had last night. Two people were in a heated argument over what the church is. Person A thinks the church is the place for dialogue; that it is a safe place that can hold a broad spectrum of beliefs and that it is the only place in the world these days where there is hope for a bridge between the more "conservative" and the more "liberal." He thinks that the church should welcome people of less popular viewpoints and engage in dialogue. ie. a liberal church engaging in compassionate dialogue with people who feel GLBT folks should not be ordained. Person B thinks the church has been engaging in dialogue like this for many years and now it's time to take a stand for the "truth." This person is tired of listening to "narrow-mindedness" and is no longer willing to engage it. The church for Person B is a place for proclaiming the Gospel, but since the Gospel varies depending on who is doing the proclaiming and who is listening to the proclaiming, that you just have to pick the church you agree with and go there. Person A thought this was sad and hopeless and giving up on any hope of communion within a very divided church. And they weren't only talking about the Anglican Communion. What do you think?

Secondly, this morning was sad and beautiful and tumultuous. A young priest returned to work this morning from her 8 week maternity leave. It was her first day leaving her infant in the hands of a babysitter and she was a wreck when she got to church. Couldn't stop crying. Luckily, her first responsibility was leading a group of women, all mothers, so of course, we lent sympathetic ears. The rector has told her that he doesn't want her to bring the baby to work with her. He has good reasons. But seeing her today I just couldn't help but think that he was wrong. What's wrong with just bringing the baby for the next two months, while he's still an infant and nursing often? There's a nursery upstairs and she could have a babysitter up there with the baby. How to support her? Do we empower her to fight to bring the baby? Or do we support her decision to leave him at home. Of course, this decision is up to her. But painful to witness. It feels like a decision made for the efficiency and professionalism of a corporation rather than a church. What do you think?

And lastly, I've found a spiritual director! Hooray! Walking away from our meeting I felt like I could finally breathe. I felt peaceful and energized. Because she was affirming. She compared spiritual directors to midwives. I LOVE that. That notion that she will help birth this energy and spirit I feel welling up inside me that wants to be born but needs help. She also likened her role as "accompaniment." I love that. Like I am singing a melody and she will provide the underscoring, the texture, the support to my lyric. What I'm most excited about is that I feel comfortable just being myself with her; answering her questions honestly and openly...not trying to say the right thing. She talked about helping me find my voice. She brought up my acting background and suggested that to be a good actress, you have to be good at getting into the skin of the character and that it requires a certain empathy. Yes! I am good at this. But it has been hard to find my own voice, my own skin. She thinks that women have their mid-life crises in their 30s. That makes me feel better, cause yup, that's what it feels like, all right. On a theological note, she was there the night Bishop Spong spoke at our church and she, like me, so appreciated him. But she disagrees with his view of God. She feels like God does "get down in the nitty gritty." Amen. I don't want to give up that notion of the Spirit moving us, nudging us, and intervening in the world. Just because God hasn't intervened in tragic cases where we feel He should have, doesn't mean that God doesn't intervene ever. It's a mystery. It doesn't make sense. We will never cease to struggle with this, nor should we cease to. But why give up on the notion of God acting in the world?

What's your name?

2007-05-06T19:56:00.000-07:00

I heard an awesome sermon in church this morning. And it got me thinking...the theme was: What is your name in Christ? The priest challenged us to find our name, but not the name of our petty selves, or even our idealized selves, but our true selves, our selves in God. And she confessed that once she got past her false names and obvious labels, she came up with her name as Christian. But then she realized that that word has so much baggage nowadays...it means completely different things, depending on who you are and who is hearing it. Unfortunately. So what's my name? On my best days, maybe it's something like She Who Sheds Light or She Who Encourages or She Who Gives Life but today my name was She Who is Full of Resentment and Dumps it on her Husband. or She Who is the Most Narcissistic Person Ever or She who threatens her children because she can't think of more creative parenting techniques. I know I'm way too hard on myself. I know that my name in God doesn't change even on days when I'm full of darkness. I know that it's hard being married to someone who has a dream job while I'm home with the kids. But I fear I have the grass-is-always-greener disease. I've been so selfish lately. I'm trying to find the balance between being authentic and being loving. I need to ask for what I need. I need to stand up for it. But I need to love my husband. I need to be happy for him that he is being fulfilled and challenged in his job. I can be such a baby sometimes. I don't want martyr to be part of my name.

Spong speaks out

2007-05-03T13:43:00.000-07:00

I went to hear Bishop Jack Spong speak last night. It was quite an experience. He is an amazing speaker and very funny. I took away a lot from the evening. To sum it up, I left the church humming a new song I wrote called, "I'm confused." Seriously. Spong is OUT THERE. And yet, it just depends on who's listening to him. He's out there to me, someone raised in a traditional Presbyterian church. But to someone who can't accept traditional Christianity, his message is fresh and full of possibility. But he doesn't even believe in a Theistic God. He emphasized the damage the church has done proclaiming humanity as wretched and depraved and sinful. "Why do you like that?"he asked. "Why do you keep coming back for that message?" "Have you ever heard of anyone being helped by focusing on how evil they are?" He proclaimed a call for a new reformation. He wants to raise the consciousness of Christianity. He says no one can define or explain God for another. All we can do is describe our own experience of God, of the holy, and these are two very different things. He experiences God as the source of life, so we worship this God by living fully. And the more we do this, the more people will see God in us. He experiences God as the source of love and the only way we can worship God is to love wastefully and fully. And to quote Paul Tillich, Spong experiences God as the ground of all being, so the only way to worship God is by being all that we were created to be, and the more we do this, the more visible we make God. If he could capture the message of Jesus in one line, he'd say there is nothing you could ever do or be that could separate you from the love of God. Good quote: "You don't give your life away unless you possess it." So all this is cool. A new way to view what I already believe...just different and fresh language. But when he talks about Jesus I kind of freak out. He doesn't believe Jesus was God. He wasn't divine. But he was fully human...and example of how we could be fully human. This just doesn't ring true to me. Or maybe I don't want to let go of the notion of Jesus as fully divine and fully human. As God incarnate. But there again, it could be a language thing. He sees Jesus as the reconciling person drawing humanity to a new level of humanity. And that is a very different notion of salvation. Spong's favorite text in the Bible is from John 10: "I have come that you might have life, and that you might have it abundantly." He calls us to be life-givers, not converters. He said, "The Bible is not the Word of God." And even though I have major issues with the Bible, that sentence gave me a little heart attack. Because he's just so incredibly unorthodox. I'm way too afraid to reject all that he rejects. He rejects all that I was raised to believe. And though I'm consciously shedding some of my narrow notions, there is much I'm still holding onto. He ended the evening by stating that we are the most spiritually hungry generation and the generation most suspicious of the church. So fellow seekers, I'm basically confused. He's just so far to one extreme. How do we navigate the middle waters? Is this why I'm an Episcopalian? Because I love the middle way? Because I choose to live in the tension between the more extreme versions of Christianity? Or is it a cop-out? An excuse to never make my mind up about what I do believe? But most of us are neither Falwells nor Spongs...what do YOU think, dear readers?