update

Well Mompriest at Seekingauthenticvoice checked in to see how I was doing. I'm sure no one is reading this since it's been 9 months since my last blog post! Mompriest, I'll just write this to you since you were kind enough to think of me after all this time! So kind of you. I hope you are well. I'll have to catch up on your blog to find out!

I am very well. Much change. After my official entering of the diocesan process last year, it became clear to me (finally) that it just wasn't the time to be pursuing ordination, let alone grad school. But I needed to come to that decision, to that clarity, on my own terms. So I sat with that realization for a while, letting it just be, before I officially pulled out of the process. It felt right. I felt the pull of my young family too strongly. I didn't want to miss all those moments and I didn't want to put more strain on the family and my marriage. So after all that, I became pregnant with our third child! How's that for a change? I'm due in January with another girl.

And so I navigate these changes...often wonder if I did the right thing, but all I can do is trust and move forward and breathe. I truly feel surrounded by the feminine divine as of late, and that is wonderful.

I trust God will make it clear to me when and if I should re-enter the process.

Thanks so much for thinking of me...

Grace-Thing

Thanksgiving

Some snippets from life this week:

* My daughter (4 year-old) is sitting in a patch of sunlight on my bedroom floor. She is looking at objects that she calls "treasures" and I call "sacred objects." We used to have an altar where we put things from nature or anything else that helped us feel close to God or anything else... But the altar shelf fell out of the wall and the objects have since been in a little box in my closet. But she recently rediscovered them and I blissfully hid in the hallway listening to her squeaky voice moan a song. She was making it up and it was a prayer..."Maaaaaary, Jeeeeeesus, Mary was saaaad when Jesus died, Gooooooood, etc etc, other unitelligible moanings." Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo precious.

* I've been so relieved about my interview being over, that I haven't been that ruffled by the fact that we're moving in 10 days and my in-laws are arriving tonight and staying for a week and I'm hosting a Thanksgiving dinner for 13 on Thursday.

* I've been playing a game with my daughters that has proven to be a wonderful spriritual practice for all of us. When we have an hour during the day, I let one of them be the navigator. We just drive and at each intersection, she gets to say "Turn Left" or "Go Straight"...and we go slowly and it's amazing where we end up. I've discovered parts of our city I never knew existed. And the BEST part is we ALWAYS happen upon something magical and serendipitous...it's crazy. We just happen to find this gorgeous park , hidden in a neighborhood. And whenever we find the special place, we get out and explore. It's so amazing where my little girls ' intuition or sense of adventure take us!!!!! I will keep doing this for a while. Learning many good lessons.

Grateful for health and for home, for food and for family. For the mountains and for the ocean. Amen

It's over!!!!!!!!!!! for now.....

Well, I met with the bishop today. Thanks be to God, it's is OVER. And it was no big deal. Well, it was a huge deal, but it was mercifully short and I was completely myself. It went well. He had intentionally not read my file, so I was making a true first impression. No pressure!! (ha ha) but it was good and I am filled with relief. For now.

Just had to share.

deep breaths

Well...I haven't blogged all summer. It really was a great summer. Lots of traveling and family time. And of course Iona being a huge highlight...a beautiful, peaceful place indeed. So here I am...discernment committee done as of March, report finally written, and I have an official date to interview with the bishop. And I am so overcome with anxiety that I am, yes it's true, wearing a holter monitor on my body right now!! jeez, I can't believe it. Now, I've always been a bit of a hypochondriac. I often suspect something's physically wrong with me when I'm perfectly healthy. So this latest manifestation is that I think something is wrong with my heart. Of course, nothing is wrong with my heart. But I get so worked up and have been having anxiety attacks. Now, it's not all about meeting with the bishop There are many things going on in my life that can contribute to this recent bout of anxiety. We are moving houses in November. I'm very excited about this, but moving is moving. We're also back to the fall schedule and my husband is gone a lot and is very busy. I also flew in a lot of airplanes this summer and it just makes me tense. So I know it can all add up sometimes. Not to mention this crazy world and I can't bear to watch the news right now. I just seem to be letting the world in and it's stirring me up more than usual. So that's what's going on. Once I have the official news from the doctor that I'm fine, I know some of this anxiety will abate. Cause I've gotten in a cycle of worry right now and that info will break the cycle. But I still have this ol' bishop interview looming. He's just a person. But I've been putting this off for so long that the thought of finally going for it has me in a complete tizzy. Luckily, God has surrounded me with support. And I feel it and am so grateful. But still not sure how I'm going to be able to drive all the way there and actually stay somewhat composed in front of his huge presence and intensity. So. I'm showing up. I'm going to go. God will be with me. And that has to be enough. It is. Just got to get it over with.

Preaching Done, Packing Begun

Phew! I'm swimming in a sea of relief and it feels wonderful. I preached my first sermon Sunday. What a day. It went great! What courage it takes to step up to that pulpit and offer a homily. I appreciate the work so many of you do so regularly! But it was a great experience and I feel good about it and glad it's over! I felt so supported in prayer, so thank you to those of you who were praying. I have sensed the Spirit with me lately and I will continue to lean into her and trust her.

I leave for England tomorow! Prayers for safe travel. I'm a nervous flyer, especially on those nighttime trans-Atlantic flights and I'll have my little ones with me without husband.

Then to Iona in a few weeks!

I feel blessed to be part of this community. Your words are a constant companion.

Deja Vu

We are evacuated for the second time this year due to wildfire. It is surreal. It was surreal the first time, but re-living it is somewhat worse. Although we are under mandatory evacuation, I'm not that worried about our home. I'm worried about a community that was just healing from the November fire. It's just too soon and we're not ready for this trauma upon a trauma. My heart goes out to this city...to all the people (30,000) who are displaced. Everything has been cancelled, on hold, and yet some things continue...very bizarre. We're in a hotel and the girls are having fun...too young to really get the impact of what's going on. We watch a little news and they've seen images, but they feel safe. Plus they get to stay up late and watch Sesame Street in the morning and hang out by the pool. There was a benefit scheduled tonight to raise money for a beloved monastic community that lost their home in the last fire. The irony is deep and all around. I'm trying to stay positive. I just hate not being able to go home. I'm trying to think of it as a forced vacation, but it's hard. I know all will be well. But we just had our house painted on the inside to get the smoke smell out from the last fire. Hmmm...maybe it's time to move from this beautiful place that is just too fire prone.

It was Love that wrote this play

Snippets from my Sunday morning:

- puppy barking at something invisible outside.
- girls on the floor behind me playing with their toy jewelry.
- husband sleeping in.

Sounds pretty peaceful. And it is. But I've been so anxious lately. Like the air around me that I breathe in is full of static anxiety. Sometimes I get this way. Maybe it's just that I'm breathing in the collective anxiety that is so pervasive in the media...our world is in fear and anxiety. It's hard to not let it get to you. But the thing is, most of my moments are not anxious at all. If only I could live more in the moment. It's so easy, really! ;)

A few nights ago I took Husband on a date to hear David Wilcox sing live in a nearby town. He's one of my favorites. And he's completely different live. It's his gift. He doesn't just get up there and sing songs....he PRESIDES. Seriously. It's his priesthood. He is completely connected to God through his guitar and through his music and he bravely and vulnerably opens himself up to that Spirit, and it overflows onto us, the audience. It was healing. And I needed it! I've been walking around my days with my ipod listening to his music and using it like a talisman against this anxious air. There's one song, in particular, that made me weep as I listened. I'll post the lyrics which will fall short without the music...not at all the same, but nonetheless, here they are:

You say you see no hope,
you say you see no reason we should dream,
that the world would ever change.
You’re saying love is foolish to believe
‘cause there’ll always be some crazy
with an army or a knife
to wake you from your day dream,
put the fear back in your life…

Look, if someone wrote a play
just to glorify what’s stronger than hate,
would they not arrange the stage
to look as if the hero came too late?
He’s almost in defeat,
it’s looking like the evil side will win,
so on the edge of every seat,
from the moment that the whole thing begins,

It is Love who mixed the mortar
and it’s Love who stacked these stones
and it’s Love who made the stage here
although it looks like we’re alone
in this scene set in shadows
like the night is here to stay
there is evil cast around us
but it’s love that wrote the play…
For in this darkness Love can show the way

So now the stage is set.
You feel you own heart beating in your chest.
This life’s not over yet.
And so we get up on our feet and do our best.
We play against the fear.
We play against the reasons not to try
We’re playing for the tears burning in the happy angel’s eyes

For it's Love that mixed the mortar...etc.