Catapulted into the Present

Wow, has it been quite a few weeks. I haven't blogged in forever. Basically, I live right smack dab in the middle of one of the neighborhoods heavily hit during the recent southern California wildfires of a few weeks ago. Unbelievably, our house was spared. You cannot believe how close the flames came and how random the fire was that night. Our next door neighbors' house burned to the ground. As well as the one kitty-corner. We have a street that is a small loop and 2/3rds of the homes burned down. We now live in a devastated neighborhood. But there is hope. So many of the families (we know all of them cause our commuity is all faculty who work at a nearby college) have been so lovingly cared for. It's amazing to see how our community has rallied to help. We've had to be out of our home for 16 days to clean it up, get the smoke smell out, and now I'm back and it feels like home again. The black hillside behind our home already has green things shooting through the ash. My daughters have to drive and walk by ruins of friends' homes every day, but they are resilient and they still feel safe. It's crazy how a crisis like this creates an immediate shift in perspective. My focus has shrunk to my little nest. It's all I want to focus on these days. And only now, do I feel my head coming up out of the water and being able to look around and remember past cares and responsibilities. I bought some new plants yesterday to replace the charred ones. I'm getting used to the sour burn smell in the air. I kind of like only having a few clothes, since the rest are at the dry cleaners. Thank God for insurance. Some didn't have it. So that's what's been going on. It's been a fascinating experience of being forced to live in the moment. We never knew when we'd be able to move back...we had to rely on the generosity of others...we stayed in 7 different places during those 16 days. We learned to find the sense of adventure and surrender and gratitude in all of it. But I had my grumpy stressed moments. And I learned about my attachment to things. The night I thought our house was gone, I told myself it would be okay. It's just stuff. I had my little family in my arms and safe and that's all that mattered. But when I discovered my stuff was all there, just smoky and dirty, I was relieved and guilty, then very burdened by it. Everything teeny thing had to be cleaned and it made me obsessive. Suddenly this stuff was feeling very heavy. So interesting, this whole journey. phew. Glad to be starting to move on. And then reading about Mumbai, etc...this world is just so fragile and unpredictable. I am catapulted into the present because anywhere else is too scary. And God is in that place. Thanks be to God.

little earthquakes

Having some tectonic shifting. Man is it uncomfortable. But good. It's growth. Had a hard meeting with my rector. He morphed before my very eyes into "authority figure" and I panicked and my voice went out the window. shit. Thought I was over this. So he wants me to begin a time of therapy. I've been wanting to do this anyway. I felt on the hot seat. I spoke from my heart, but I gave voice to all the disqualifiers instead of all the courage and positive movement. I really tried. But I cried. And I let him intimidate me. So I need to deal with this now. Cause if I don't, I'll get eaten alive during the rest of the process. I had come to the point where I thought just being myself would be enough for someone to recognize my "call" but when I panic and worry about how I'm being assessed, it doesn't go so well.

So...that's where I am. I NEED TO FIND MY VOICE. WHY is this such a hard process? But it's exciting to realize that this is my task right now. To find that voice. And the the even harder work of letting that voice be VOICED. It has been finding its way in the soil and pushing toward the light. It really has. It has made significant progress. But there seems to be a rock sitting on top of the seedling just as is thought it was going to break through. I need to figure out what that rock is. It might just be a matter of time. And just continuing the work I'm doing. I have a supportive husband. And a wonderful discernment committee who is willing to stick with me for a little longer. And I have this wonderful blogging community. Thank you for your voices and for your listening hearts.

discernment blah blah

Okay so here's where I am. I'm writing this to help me cause I have a meeting tomorrow and I definitely process things in writing. So FORGIVE me if I sound like a broken record. I know I do. And believe it or not, I actually think about other things besides discernment!! I just tend to blog about it all the time since it brought me to this blogging community which has been a wonderful support.

So...I've been meeting with my discernment committee for about a year. We've had a total of 7 meetings. They feel pretty ready to wrap up. They see a call. They're ready to support me. They now want me to tell them what I want. A good part of the year has been my articulating my hesitation and struggle to "own" this sense of call.

This year has been incredible. A lot of movement and discoveries and it all points to the possibility that ordination is the most fitting place for me to carry out my ministry. This won't surprise any of you who read my blog, but I feel like my discernment committee could meet forever. And I know that discernment never truly ends in life. But regarding this issue, I have to make a decision at some point. I've met with various mentors who all advise me in different ways. One says, "go for it now! Now is the time! The church needs you now." The other says, "you have time and don't give up your autonomy before you have to. Gather as much ministry experience as you can cause seminary doesn't let you do so in the same way." So what do I think?? I'm in a position of leadership (volunteer) at my church and it's a relatively new one and I am learning a ton. It is amazing experience for a future ministry. It's a current, vibrant ministry and I'm learning a lot and giving a lot and it is very joy-filled. And it makes me want to be a priest. If I start the diocesan process (meaning going beyond my committee and interview with the bishop and the commission on Ministry), I have less say. They'll have lots of ideas for my "formation." They could very easily send me to another church for a ministry study year before seminary. And I'm in such a good place right now. But it's a very very progressive church and it's not representative of the whole church.

And as I've written before, I hesitate to put it off any longer cause I'm almost 35. But I think I need to let that one go. If I let go of ego stuff and let go of the need to have a tidy package, it seems to make the most sense to stay where I am and continue discernment as I work in leadership at my church. And it would probably be easier to start commuter seminary once my youngest is in Kindergarten (in two years). And this is a question for my rector, but what happens if I end the discernment committee process and wait a while beforel I start the next official step. When does the committee submit the report so that it doesn't "hurt" me? I know I'm not the first one to have a break between congregational discernment and the interviews.

But then there's the other lightbulb I've had recently. Being a postulant doesn't mean discernment is completed. Being a postulant is only the very beginning. I've been thinking of it as the end. So I could just go ahead and just get all the scary stuff over with (cause it's heavily weighing on me) and then be a "postulant" and then just do what seems to make the most sense timing wise. But I'm not sure how much freedom I'll have as a postulant.

So there is my blah blah blah.
Thanks for listening.

the latest

I seem to be beginning all my recent blogs this way, but I can't believe how much time has passed since I last blogged. It is representative of something, but I don't have enough distance to name it. Life is different and new right now. My eldest started kindergarten and woah is this an adjustment. I'm loving it. As is she. But she is utterly exhausted. It's funny, I am a huge believer in NOT over-scheduling and keeping things PEACEFUL and UNHURRIED, but it seems I have done just the opposite. So I'm in a period of re-evaluating and just trying to figure out this new phase, and juggling the needs of my youngest as well. But I'm loving this new phase. Just trying to carve out the quiet and space my older one so needs right now.

My discernment continues along at a steady pace and it seems to be buoyed along by a flow I'm not in control of. As long as I stay out of the way. At least, that's how it feels. I'm at a point where I need to make a decision as to the next step. And because I'm in the Episcopal church, the next step is planned out for me: an interview with the bishop. But my job is to determine when that happens. It happens this fall is when it happens. But I just don't know if I could do it without fainting. Anyway, we shall see. I meet with the rector in a few days to talk about it all. I'm praying. I'm trying to surrender.

all for now.

Friday Five

Singing Owl over at Revgals hosts this week's Friday Five. Wow, haven't done this in a WHILE.

1. Tell us about the worst job you ever had.
Okay, the worst is a tie between being a first-time waitress at a cheesey corporate restaurant, and being an "optician's assistant" at my uncle's optometric office. Being his neice, he gave me responsibility that I probably shouldn't have had. Ah, the poor souls who had me to adjust their glasses or convince them which lens was the most suited to them. As for the waiting tables, I was HORRIBLE. Great at the social part, awful at the multitasking when it got busy.

2. Tell us about the best job you ever had.
Working at the Guthrie theater in Minneapolis. I acted in several plays there and it was a wonderful time and a wonderful place.

3. Tell us what you would do if you could do absolutely anything (employment related) with no financial or other restrictions.
be a priest in the Episcopal church. Or be a singer/songwriter and perform in coffee houses and small venues.

4. Did you get a break from labor this summer? If so, what was it and if not, what are you gonna do about it?
My break from labor came in the form of a week-long christian formation conference. The labor I had a break from was being a mom. The conference represented labor to some folks, but to me it was a SPA.

5. What will change regarding your work as summer morphs into fall? Are you anticipating or dreading?
Huge transition as husband goes back to work and children start school. I'm anticipating this very much. It feels like a new phase of life.

Bonus question: For the gals who are mothers, do you have an interesting story about labor and delivery (LOL)? If you are a guy pal, not a mom, or you choose not to answer the above, is there a song, a book, a play, that says "workplace" to you?

My labor with my second child went smoothly and quickly. I got to the hospital and informed the nurse that I most certainly wanted an epidural. BUT (and I didn't know this could happen) I got stuck between anesthesiologist shifts. The guy had two hours to come and I was DYING. I would have been fine mentally if I knew there was a chance of him not making it in time but I was not prepared mentally and I was not on top of the pain. By the time he FINALLY got there I was almost fully dilated but they felt so sorry for me that they gave it to me anyway. By the time they got it in (it took 3, yes 3, tries of that huge long epidural needle -- I apparently have unusually small "potential spaces" in between my vertebrae --it was time to push the baby out. Well...it wasn't going so well and the baby's heart beat started to drop and the doctor got out the vacuum thing AND literally shoved with all his might on top of my stomach in the attempt to get the baby out quick. Luckily he was a large man and he did the job. And all was well. Phew! Craziness.

Fall on the way

Well it is the last days of summer. Especially since husband starts back with his teaching and my daughter begins Kindergarten. It has been a wonderful summer of spontaneity and traveling and now I'm ready for more routine and structure. This will be the first time in 6 years that I have 3 mornings a week to myself, as my little one will begin preschool. It's not that much time, but it is significant and I am a bit paralyzed by the possibilities. I suppose I'll calm down after a few weeks and not feel that it is so precious.

I'm reading a New Earth by Eckart Tolle. I resisted this for a long time because it seemed so pop new agey. I'm always suspicious of bestselling self help books. But I listened to a thoughtful interview with the author on Krista Tippett's speaking of faith and it made me want to read the book. I have found it very interesting. It's all about the ego and the unnecessary suffering our egos create in ourselves and others. Very thought provoking. Of course, I apply the concepts to my time of discernment and it feeds into my worry that the notion of priest is just an image-enhancing move for myself. But he says that awareness is the first step towards dissolving the ego, so perhaps my awareness of the ego needs of this vocation won't necessarily lead to its dissolution. It's still possible that priesthood is still the best use of my gifts and is truly linked to who I am. But it's also possible that it's not.

Other than that, I'm receiving pressure from the 3 other members of my little family to get a dog. They all really want one. But I'll be the primary care giver and I'm not too excited about the idea. Unless I can fall in love with the little guy. Hmmm....

belated blogging

A few readers have gently emailed me and asked....hello, where are you, are you all right. I so appreciate these touchstones of checking in. Yes, I'm fine. I've been so utterly uninspired to blog. Why is that? Well, probably because I'm feeling a little stuck. And I'm feeling shy about writing freely. Not sure why, but the blogosphere feels suddenly un-anonymous and scary. There's nothing I'm hiding, it's just that for some reason the personal element of the sharing feels exposing instead of freeing, lately.

Having a great summer, regarding the family. Lots of good family time. I went to a wonderful conference where I met lots of other female priests...it was wonderful to hear so many different stories. And the conference itself was challenging and thought provoking and it was AMAZING to have 5 days to myself.

This coming week I'm going camping with my little family. My hubbie and I used to camp a lot before we had kids. This will be our first family camping trip and I'm really looking forward to it.

Regarding discernment, my next meeting is in two weeks and I haven't met with the committee since APRIL. They met with my husband in July, but I am feeling very out of touch with the whole process. The process continues internally, of course, but I wonder how our meeting will go. I'm feeling (as usual) ambivalent. Some days I want to start school next fall, some days I want to pause everything.

I'm learning the guitar and LOVING it. LOVING it. I'm having coffe house fantasies of being a local acoustic artist. hee hee. yeah right.

I just came home from a morning talk with a friend. She's depressed and frustrated about being a stay at home mom with ambitions outside the home. She's brilliant and gifted. She gets very down on herself when she feels grumpy. It's sinful, so she says, and that the only path is one of self-sacrifice and suffering. Jeez. I told her I just can't wrap my thoughts around that philosophy and she asked me to find a biblical model that says otherwise. harumph. I'm tired of the notion that we have to suffer and deny our every desire to be true Christians. I mean, of COURSE we suffer, we're human, but I truly believe God wants us to live abundant lives of joy.