Ready to be Ready

The title says it all. I'm tired of discerning. I'm tired of being wishy washy. It's just my personality to never stop weighing all sides...at some point ya just need to take a step. So my discernment committee is done (recently), they're writing their report and I'm taking the next step towards the diocese. It's right. I think I'm just afraid. And I need to do it anyway. I feel good about it. And worse case scenario is painful, but survivable, ya know? I don't plan to begin seminary for at least a year and a half, maybe two and a half, cause of the age of my youngest.

I'm preaching in a few weeks for the first time. Anxious about it. But again, it's a good step and one that just needs to happen. when a door opens, you just have to say yes. But YIKES. I feel this pressure since everyone knows I plan to get ordained. And I know it's not about me. It's about the spirit and the scripture and the moment but still.....kinda terrifying.

My husband is traveling for 3 weeks soon to do some teaching and I'll be home with the girls. Then we'll join him for 21/2 weeks. Then he flies home and I get to go to Iona in Scotland with my best friend. Woooooooo hoooooooooo. I don't really believe this is going to happen. But apparently it is.

I have met recently some role models of mothers with young children being priests. It is inspiring. And I don't feel so alone and confused.

I'm going to be B R A V E.

Other than that, life is good. Puppy is good, though I've been lazy training her. I need to prioritize this cause I want a good doggie! And I enjoy her so much more when she's behaving herself. She's almost 5 months now.

heavenly music

I just returned from a wonderful choral concert. When I was first invited, I wasn't that excited to go. I have memories of being pretty bored in too long choral concerts. But this was a good reminder of how wonderful it can be. It didn't hurt that we were up front and very close to the orchestra and the singers. It was Mozart's Requiem in the first half, but it was the second half that I really loved. Have any of you heard of Lauridsen's "Lux Aeterna"? Beautiful beautiful contemporary requiem. Truly heart movingly gorgeous. It was interesting to note the differences in tone of the two musical pieces. Mozart's piece is full of fear...Lord save me from the fires of hell. Eternal damnation. Please please have mercy on me. But Lauridsen's focuses on the miracle of the Light of Christ coming to the world. Of the beautiful mercy and hope. Very interesting.

Jesus silhouette

Wow. My last post was December 14th, 2008, and even that one was after spotty blogging. I'm not sure why I am so resistant lately to blogging. Not sure.

This has been quite a time. And yet, from the outside, life has continued as usual. My daughters continue to grow in beautiful ways; I go about my daily tasks as always...but it has been a deep time of discernment. And in thinking back with the calendar, I am dumbfounded that I have been in "discernment" for years now. Sometimes I think if it takes me this long to discern a call, then it's not a call. But on the other hand, it's just taking me time. It's like I have to shed some layers and grow some new ones before I can take the next step. My committee has stuck with me all along.

The latest conversation we had was the age-old "process" question of what do you need to DO that you can't DO unless your ordained. This way of phrasing the question is impossible for me to answer. Because my sense of call to the priesthood is much more about personhood...about BEING a priest more than DOING priestly duties. Of course, I am drawn to the priestly duties, yes, but this is not my way of expressing the call. But people seem to harp on this.

I've also been in therapy and it's been uncomfortable but good. I think. It is very hard for me to be real and not self-conscious in the room with her. I know this is normal, but it is squirmy time.

But I've been doing a lot more work in my particular church and it's been wonderful! Full of joy and challenge and creativity. But it's not enough. I have the opportunity of preaching on pentecost and I think I have to say yes, but SCARY!!!!!!!!!! I know it's not about me. Most certainly not. But when everyone knows I'm discerning a call to the priesthood, it's hard to just do the job up there and not try to come across "well."

We are still in the aftermath of the november fire, but all is fine. Just still dealing with insurance companies and an inept dry cleaning company that lost a lot of our things. But they're just things.

I miss reading the blogs of others and I look forward to doing that again. I'm going to try.

We just had a wonderful intergenerational beginning of Lent. We were tired of the separation of "adult ed" and the "children ministries" so we combined them. It was a big experiment...will the children be bored? distracting? distracted? Will the adults be engaged? Will anyone show up who isn't a parent. and it worked! We played around with the parables, acting them out in different ways...improvisationally on stage, in small groups of threes....it was just great. And we had a huge silhouette of Jesus up at the front where people were invited to place post-its with questions. There were no answers given, of course. But the community posted there questions on the silhouette of Jesus and then we broke bread. That's church, isn't it?

Gifts at my doorstep

One of the things that has come of the fire, is that we have many many empty boxes from all the stuff that was taken out of our house, dry-cleaned, then returned to us folded and smoke-free. One of my daughters' favorite games is taking one of the big boxes, putting it on our doorstep, and climbing inside. They're both small enough so they actually fit, like little sardines. Then I come into the room and say loudly to my husband, "Honey, there's a big box on our doorstep. Do you know what it is?" Then I open it and behold, there are two gorgeous little girls pretending to be babies who have been sent from the "orphanage." Then I exclaim with delight and take them into my arms and show them their new home. "Oh my! What beautiful little girls! Can we be your new family? Can we love you and cuddle you and help you grow up?" "Yes!" they exclaim in baby voices that sound slightly demented. Then I show the around their new home. It's the best game. ever. And it makes me realize as I open the big cardboard box, what a huge gift they are!

Catapulted into the Present

Wow, has it been quite a few weeks. I haven't blogged in forever. Basically, I live right smack dab in the middle of one of the neighborhoods heavily hit during the recent southern California wildfires of a few weeks ago. Unbelievably, our house was spared. You cannot believe how close the flames came and how random the fire was that night. Our next door neighbors' house burned to the ground. As well as the one kitty-corner. We have a street that is a small loop and 2/3rds of the homes burned down. We now live in a devastated neighborhood. But there is hope. So many of the families (we know all of them cause our commuity is all faculty who work at a nearby college) have been so lovingly cared for. It's amazing to see how our community has rallied to help. We've had to be out of our home for 16 days to clean it up, get the smoke smell out, and now I'm back and it feels like home again. The black hillside behind our home already has green things shooting through the ash. My daughters have to drive and walk by ruins of friends' homes every day, but they are resilient and they still feel safe. It's crazy how a crisis like this creates an immediate shift in perspective. My focus has shrunk to my little nest. It's all I want to focus on these days. And only now, do I feel my head coming up out of the water and being able to look around and remember past cares and responsibilities. I bought some new plants yesterday to replace the charred ones. I'm getting used to the sour burn smell in the air. I kind of like only having a few clothes, since the rest are at the dry cleaners. Thank God for insurance. Some didn't have it. So that's what's been going on. It's been a fascinating experience of being forced to live in the moment. We never knew when we'd be able to move back...we had to rely on the generosity of others...we stayed in 7 different places during those 16 days. We learned to find the sense of adventure and surrender and gratitude in all of it. But I had my grumpy stressed moments. And I learned about my attachment to things. The night I thought our house was gone, I told myself it would be okay. It's just stuff. I had my little family in my arms and safe and that's all that mattered. But when I discovered my stuff was all there, just smoky and dirty, I was relieved and guilty, then very burdened by it. Everything teeny thing had to be cleaned and it made me obsessive. Suddenly this stuff was feeling very heavy. So interesting, this whole journey. phew. Glad to be starting to move on. And then reading about Mumbai, etc...this world is just so fragile and unpredictable. I am catapulted into the present because anywhere else is too scary. And God is in that place. Thanks be to God.

little earthquakes

Having some tectonic shifting. Man is it uncomfortable. But good. It's growth. Had a hard meeting with my rector. He morphed before my very eyes into "authority figure" and I panicked and my voice went out the window. shit. Thought I was over this. So he wants me to begin a time of therapy. I've been wanting to do this anyway. I felt on the hot seat. I spoke from my heart, but I gave voice to all the disqualifiers instead of all the courage and positive movement. I really tried. But I cried. And I let him intimidate me. So I need to deal with this now. Cause if I don't, I'll get eaten alive during the rest of the process. I had come to the point where I thought just being myself would be enough for someone to recognize my "call" but when I panic and worry about how I'm being assessed, it doesn't go so well.

So...that's where I am. I NEED TO FIND MY VOICE. WHY is this such a hard process? But it's exciting to realize that this is my task right now. To find that voice. And the the even harder work of letting that voice be VOICED. It has been finding its way in the soil and pushing toward the light. It really has. It has made significant progress. But there seems to be a rock sitting on top of the seedling just as is thought it was going to break through. I need to figure out what that rock is. It might just be a matter of time. And just continuing the work I'm doing. I have a supportive husband. And a wonderful discernment committee who is willing to stick with me for a little longer. And I have this wonderful blogging community. Thank you for your voices and for your listening hearts.

discernment blah blah

Okay so here's where I am. I'm writing this to help me cause I have a meeting tomorrow and I definitely process things in writing. So FORGIVE me if I sound like a broken record. I know I do. And believe it or not, I actually think about other things besides discernment!! I just tend to blog about it all the time since it brought me to this blogging community which has been a wonderful support.

So...I've been meeting with my discernment committee for about a year. We've had a total of 7 meetings. They feel pretty ready to wrap up. They see a call. They're ready to support me. They now want me to tell them what I want. A good part of the year has been my articulating my hesitation and struggle to "own" this sense of call.

This year has been incredible. A lot of movement and discoveries and it all points to the possibility that ordination is the most fitting place for me to carry out my ministry. This won't surprise any of you who read my blog, but I feel like my discernment committee could meet forever. And I know that discernment never truly ends in life. But regarding this issue, I have to make a decision at some point. I've met with various mentors who all advise me in different ways. One says, "go for it now! Now is the time! The church needs you now." The other says, "you have time and don't give up your autonomy before you have to. Gather as much ministry experience as you can cause seminary doesn't let you do so in the same way." So what do I think?? I'm in a position of leadership (volunteer) at my church and it's a relatively new one and I am learning a ton. It is amazing experience for a future ministry. It's a current, vibrant ministry and I'm learning a lot and giving a lot and it is very joy-filled. And it makes me want to be a priest. If I start the diocesan process (meaning going beyond my committee and interview with the bishop and the commission on Ministry), I have less say. They'll have lots of ideas for my "formation." They could very easily send me to another church for a ministry study year before seminary. And I'm in such a good place right now. But it's a very very progressive church and it's not representative of the whole church.

And as I've written before, I hesitate to put it off any longer cause I'm almost 35. But I think I need to let that one go. If I let go of ego stuff and let go of the need to have a tidy package, it seems to make the most sense to stay where I am and continue discernment as I work in leadership at my church. And it would probably be easier to start commuter seminary once my youngest is in Kindergarten (in two years). And this is a question for my rector, but what happens if I end the discernment committee process and wait a while beforel I start the next official step. When does the committee submit the report so that it doesn't "hurt" me? I know I'm not the first one to have a break between congregational discernment and the interviews.

But then there's the other lightbulb I've had recently. Being a postulant doesn't mean discernment is completed. Being a postulant is only the very beginning. I've been thinking of it as the end. So I could just go ahead and just get all the scary stuff over with (cause it's heavily weighing on me) and then be a "postulant" and then just do what seems to make the most sense timing wise. But I'm not sure how much freedom I'll have as a postulant.

So there is my blah blah blah.
Thanks for listening.