Authenticity. Honesty. Integration. These things don't come easily to me. Or do they? Jeez, these thoughts just feel so narcissistic, and yet they consume me lately, as I approach the beginning of official discernment. I was flipping through Listening Hearts, one of the books recommended to discerners and there was a phrase that warns against making an idol of discernment. Ouch. I am guilty.
But how can I help it? It is so overwhelming to consider a life-changing move, a huge decision that impacts others I love dearly? And all this business of "call." Do I feel called? Yes and no. Unfortunately, I feel so distorted lately. I feel so far away from that energizing life-affirming God seeking place of call that I have felt. Now I am stuck in a mire of neuroses and paranoia and fear. What if it's all just a huge ego trip? What if I just like the idea of being a priest? Sometimes it doesn't feel at all like entering into a humble life of service, but a powerful position of purpose and importance. I just need to write these words because I need to realease the power they have over me. What if I'm so full of it? I know I've written this before. What if the most loving and "Christian" thing for me to do is to resign this dream that feels so much for myself and truly live for others, like um, actually be present to my children and family and neighbors? Why do I have to be ordained? Why can't I just support my husband's career instead of threatening it? Why can't I just volunteer my time as a layperson at church? Why this insistent obsessive pull to the priesthood? Some would say it's a call. It's sure not letting me go. But I so fear its motives. I suppose that's a healthy thing, in a way. At least I'm not this egomaniac certain of God's call. But I'm an egomaniac in a different way...obsessed with this process and so doubtful. And yet....And yet....How I am to claim any sense of call when I'm so stuck inside my head listening to all these voices?
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4 comments:
wow. I think it's difficult for all of us to really be authentic, whether we are posting anonymously or as our real selves...I kid myself sometimes when I think "oh, I can't say this, because of other people.." it might just be me.
As to ordination, another wow. I was single when I was first considering it, so I didn't have to think about selfishness in terms of another's career -- although that comes up sometimes now.
but I did think quite a lot "how do I know I am called?" I'll tell you, it's not glamorous, and at least I don't feel like it's an ego trip. and there are some times I think it would be a lot easier to do something else...
but it's like "Lord, to whom shall I go?" Not in terms of discipleship, we are all disciples, whether lay or ordained, but "Lord, what else can I do?" this just FITS me.
prayers to you...
i have no answers my friend - but prayer and prayer and more prayer.
reading the post below this one - i fielded a call the other day from a young mom having a similar day. skipped over whatever was on my calendar and delivered to her house a basket filled with everything for supper that night. all she had to do was set the oven and bake it all. lots of things we can't control or fix... so we try & do what we can right?
in your situation... i can pray. (but you know i'd deliver a basket of goodies too)
grace-thing, your thoughts all sound like normal discernment muck to me...and I concur with diane and hotcup.
me too.
FWIW, I think that someone who was just on a "huge ego trip" wouldn't be asking these questions to begin with. Blessings!
The word verification is "xglop"
tee-hee
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