Utterly ridiculous, this day. I am so beaten down and discouraged. Granted, it's that time of the month and I truly have a rough time for a few days a month. But the absurdity, the humor, the ridiculous of my humanity: this morning I proudly announced to Husband that I have a new strategy with my four year old who has been exhibiting adolescent horrible attitude towards me. Instead of getting mad and punishing her, I planned to "disarm her with love." To look at her slyly and say, "Oh, love, you just need a big hug!" I told Husband I was going to practice Jesus' non-violence with my 4 year old and love the enemy. Well...it unraveled immediately. We went off to the store to buy dance clothes/shoes for her new class. The unstable element was bringing the two year old, but I had no choice. So there we were in this teeny dressing room trying on jazz leotards and pants and it all went to hell. So much for my calm confident parenting. My older daughter transformed (as she has been lately) into her bratty disrespectful attitude persona and began her barrage of insults. This utter disrespect just unravels me. Especially when we're in public. I lost it. And I lost my authority. And I continue to lose her respect. I feel like a total failure.
But we just had bed time. And we made up. And we prayed.
...And just to continue to spiral in my negativity, Husband is off to rehearsal for the night and I am reminded that my entire existence revolves around taking care of the girls and the home and sometimes I get so resentful. I have a one-day retreat for the hospital chaplaincy coming up. I haven't been able to do the chaplaincy for the last month because I can't find childcare that morning. But this retreat has been on the calendar. Well it turns out his mother (who I love) is arriving in town to see his play and that's wonderful, but of course it's the same day I have this retreat. So yes, I could still go on the retreat, but it would be kind of rude. Of course, Husband can't spend the day with his mom cause it's a work day. And this is my struggle: because he earns the paycheck, my "volunteer" commitments must take second priority...and therefore they can't be commitments.
Sometimes I think women had it better when we had fewer choices. In some ways, the family life was better off when women were just expected to live only in the domestic sphere. Now that there is choice and possibility, I struggle with these issues.
Sorry for the venting. It's just one of those days.
But the night air is gorgeous. My children are in bed. A friend is coming over for a glass of wine and a heart to heart. Husband vacuumed the house before he left.
It's all okay.
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5 comments:
((((((Gracie)))))))
I'm so sorry. We all have those days-- they take different forms, but it's normal. I'm glad you've had that wine and heart-to-heart. Girlfriends are incredible.
Well, it's not exactly ok...struggling with two kids, one headstrong daughter...I had one (the other child is a son, he pushes fewer "buttons"). My daughter and I had a very tumultous relationship...and yet I tried really hard, despite out tendency to digress to "yelling" or less than "ideal" parenting, I tried really hard to be a good mom. She has turned out to be a great kid. Still head strong. I still can't "offer" her suggestions, 'cuz she wants to do it on her own...but she has internalized a lot of good stuff. She's caring, honest, hard working, ethical, all the qualities we hope for in our kids.
So. hang in there. Be real. trust that your kids are resilient...and yet they sometimes need to learn that they push their parent(s) too much and when they do certain things happen (parent "melt-down?")....
Oh. And, I would argue back that your work in the home "saves" your family a lot of money and there fore does not take second place to your husband's work which "earns" money...they are equal. So. well, I'd really wonder about how to make that retreat work. and if not, what else might be able to happen?
Oh. And let me just say from experience: parenting gets easier. Ok, it takes awhile. It doesn't get easier until the kids are in, or almost out of, High School. But, then it gets a whole lot easier.(Yes, you have to watch them like hawks, and be suspecious of lots of things they do) but they also become human beings with a vested interst in their future...and a sense of self-determination and responsibility in that outcome...
It does get easier. And marriage is better when the kids are older. Yours are just young and in the throws of childhood. The most challenging time to parent is between the ages of 4 and 17...(LOL, yeah I know that's most of their childhood, but I think it's true)....
I hope you had a glass of really good wine! (or maybe two glasses)...
Thanks, Mrs. M and Mompriest. You're the best. really. And today was better.
((((Grace))))) it's posts like yours when I realize that my glib regrets about not being a mother don't have any basis in the REAL struggles you go through.
sometimes when I'm feeling sorry for myself, I think, "I'd have been good at that."
but maybe, not so much.
prayers to you.
((((Grace))))
I wish I had visited earlier to give you that hug.
I want to ditto MomPriest, it's okay for it to not be okay sometimes. Sometimes I truly want to pinch my 6 year old son's head off when he gets out of control and disrespectful. He has said "I hate you" and "You're the worst Mama in the world" to me lately. Things I wouldn't have dreamed of ever saying to my mother. So far, we've come out of the other side of those times okay, but I sometimes feel like I'd like to jump into a time machine to before I had kids and rethink the whole situation.
I appreciate your honesty and I think saying these things (or typing!) out loud is helpful- for you and others of us out there who sometime feel inadequate.
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