Thursday, October 2, 2008

little earthquakes

Having some tectonic shifting. Man is it uncomfortable. But good. It's growth. Had a hard meeting with my rector. He morphed before my very eyes into "authority figure" and I panicked and my voice went out the window. shit. Thought I was over this. So he wants me to begin a time of therapy. I've been wanting to do this anyway. I felt on the hot seat. I spoke from my heart, but I gave voice to all the disqualifiers instead of all the courage and positive movement. I really tried. But I cried. And I let him intimidate me. So I need to deal with this now. Cause if I don't, I'll get eaten alive during the rest of the process. I had come to the point where I thought just being myself would be enough for someone to recognize my "call" but when I panic and worry about how I'm being assessed, it doesn't go so well.

So...that's where I am. I NEED TO FIND MY VOICE. WHY is this such a hard process? But it's exciting to realize that this is my task right now. To find that voice. And the the even harder work of letting that voice be VOICED. It has been finding its way in the soil and pushing toward the light. It really has. It has made significant progress. But there seems to be a rock sitting on top of the seedling just as is thought it was going to break through. I need to figure out what that rock is. It might just be a matter of time. And just continuing the work I'm doing. I have a supportive husband. And a wonderful discernment committee who is willing to stick with me for a little longer. And I have this wonderful blogging community. Thank you for your voices and for your listening hearts.