Sultry Sunday

phew, it's hot today. Kind of nice. Spent the afternoon at the neighborhood pool with the girls. This weekend I took a step and actually went to a prospective student weekend at a seminary about two hours from here. It's not somewhere I envision myself going, but it is a possibility. Though not an obvious choice within my denomination. It's funny how relative it all is. Depending on who you ask, they think this seminary is "too conservative" or "too liberal." That is very funny to me. I'm still shocked by the sheer spectrum of theology in Christianity. It's mind-boggling. And sad. But then I think it's quite glorious that there are so many expressions through the church...as varied as all of humanity, it seems. It would be nice if there was a bit less divisiveness over it and less "us and them" thinking. The was very interesting and very helpful - it helped clarify how I actually might be an Episcopalian after all. And that felt good. To just have a teeny more clarity. I went with one of my favorite girlfriends and that was wonderful. I also found a cool conference this summer about Christian formation and youth ministry so I'm thinking about going to that. Husband leaves in June for two weeks and I'm feeling pretty okay about it but everyone now and then I start to panic...TWO WEEKS with the girls by myself??? But heck, it will be fine. I'll just have to make it fun. Let my 5 year old sleep with me, go out to eat, go visit friends....I'm going to try to look at this as an opportunity, but not quite there yet. I know two weeks isn't that long in the long run, but even 1 hour can seem endless with my little ones when they're not getting along.

Theatre of Cruelty

So tonight we decided to have a "family meeting." After weeks of terrible sibling rivalry we decided to take matters into our own hands and try to be creative in our parenting. After all, the time-outs, threats, bribes and talks have not been working. So we lit candles, sang a song all together, and performed a little skit for our kids (ages 3 and 5). Well by the time our skit was over, both girls were in tears and hysterics. It was hilarious, actually. Are we really that good at acting? They thought what we acted out was horrible. In truth, it was merely what I've been witnessing from them over the past weeks. Guess it hit home! Then we talked about why they thought it was so sad and scary. And then, of course, we did a happy version and all was well. I'm getting excited about our Sunday night family theatre! As long as I don't send them into years of therapy in the future! :)

Waxing and Waning

Feeling overwhelmed today. My discernment seems to be a constant swing of the pendulum between trust/inner knowing that I'm on the right path, and doubt and insecurity. I know this is normal to some extent. Yesterday at a party, Husband was asked for the first time by someone in public: "How do YOU feel about all this?" He gave a thoughtful, honest answer, but it made my heart sink. I thought he was further along in being okay with all this. He's okay with me being in the process. But not really that okay with me being a priest. Luckily, ordination (if it happens) is years and years away, since I'd probably take seminary part time. So I need to take a deep breath and just love him and be thankful that there is time. And often, he's only reflecting the doubt and insecurity he sees in me. It's so strange how one day I feel so sure about this path, and other days I think I've got it all wrong. sigh. Can someone be a good priest who isn't very administratively gifted? I'm not the priest-in-charge type. I'd probably make a great associate. Or a priest on staff at a really big church. I'm a great collaborator. I have vision and creativity and the ability to carry it out, but not alone. I get overwhelmed quite easily and Husband is worried I'd be in a constant state of stress and bring it home to the family...

Today

Wow, I've been a pathetic blogger.

Life is good. My discernment committee is finally meeting with the rector to go over the process and make it "official." This could have happened months ago, but it's been nice to have the more gentle beginning. I feel good about it, with occasional bouts of panic and doubt.

This morning I'm leading a time of Lectio Divina with my community Bible study. I'm really looking forward to this. I love doing Lectio in a group. I'm leading it with one of my favorite people of late. Don't you love it when you meet another woman and you just hit it off and it's so fun getting to know this new person? So great.

Anyway, my almost 3 year old just asked to play blocks with me so I must say yes cause I almost always seem to say, "In a second, honey."

bye for now.