Tuesday, May 22, 2007
woes
I'm so sad right now. I just got home from a wonderful talk with a newly ordained priest. The reason I decided to meet with her was to finally ask details about the real possibility of going to the closest seminary...quite a drive away...for their commuter program, which she attended. It was empowering. As we fleshed out details she said, "You're excuses are dwindling away." And she was so right. I was realizing that I've been clinging to my excuses as a reason to put this off. But it's so doable! So exciting that it's an actual possibility. UNTIL I came home and told my husband all about it. Whenever I get serious about this, and talk about it like it's going to happen in the near future, he gets nervous. So normal! This would be a huge change for our family and for him! BUT in his questions, in his wording and tone, I hear judgment and skepticism and fear and sexism. He insists that I'm seeing his comments through this prism, which is very possible. But it's the feminist that flares up inside me. I fear he completely takes my decision to stay home with the girls for granted. True, when I got pregnant, all I wanted to do was stay home. I didn't want to work. I had no ambition of any kind other than motherhood. But this has changed. I now have a dream and I am passionate about it. And I need his support if I have any chance at following through. When I say this to him, he gets very defensive about how hard he works and how cushy I have it. This is true! He works hard and I appreciate our life and all he does to support it. But that's not my point and he doesn't hear me. He doesn't hear that he has a career. He has a space, an office, a whole day away from the home. And I don't. My situation has major perks, but all this isn't the point. I point blank asked him if (ideally) he wants me to stay home until the kids are in college. I thought he'd say no, but this was his answer: "I don't think we have enough information to answer that question." Give me a break. He won't admit that he doesn't want me to go to grad school and become a priest. I SO understand his misgivings, I just wish he'd be honest about them. He says he wants me to be honest about my personality and that this grad school thing would be stressful for someone like me who is a bit high strung. Well, yeah! Does that mean I shouldn't do it? What's the alternative? The way he panics is to get very practical and to ask very practical questions, all which lead to arguing. What I want him to say to me (and this may be asking WAY too much) is "Honey, I know how much this means to you. I think you'd be great at it. We'll figure this out. It will be hard but I'm behind you. I love you and I so appreciate all you've given to this family while I've been pursuing my dream." ha ha ha ha ha ha. Pollyanna perhaps? C'mon revgals. I know this is something many of you have confronted. Why do we have to get into an ideological fight every time I'm actually serious about going back to school? He wants to know exactly what it will look like. "How will this affect our family?" A good question but not what I need right now. I've been such a coward, I need encouragement! Not this. And how can I possibly know (until I'm doing it) how it will exactly affect our family. But I love him. And I need to be sensitive to where he's at. Just feeling stuck between a rock and a hard place.
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8 comments:
I am so sorry to hear this. I'm having my own problems with the process now, but there's no way I could get through this without the support of my other half. I can also tell you that my experience has been that Commissions on Ministry are extremely attentive to the spouse's level of support-- a lack of that can be an enormous obstacle to them.
Of course, the bigger issue is probably the way that you feel in your relationship because of this, and you certainly will be in my prayers with regard to that. For me, the process has been lonely and frustrating. I cannot begin to imagine how I could have done it without constant, sometimes sacrificial love from my spouse.
I'm also thinking that it sound like you're yearning to be respected for you-as-you-are, and not you-as-you're-related-to-your-children? This can be a real struggle, and you have my cyber-support as you seek this.
Peace and blessings, Grace-thing. I just wanted to hug you and pour a cup of tea for you when I read this. Please feel free to email me if you want a friend (though we haven't met) to "listen."
Hi Grace-thing!
Wow, you are stuck between a rock and a hard place here.
Thanks for reading and responding to my blog. I must admit that I'm having a hard time empathizing with your husbands position for a few practical and a few ideological reasons.
First, MBCW and I don't have kids yet. We've only been married a few years and when people find out our ages we still get looks that say "well that explains it!"
Secondly, I've worked freelance for years in the arts sector. A lot of what I do is web based so I'm lucky in that I can be anywhere as long as I have web access, my business can be maintained. This gives MBCW the freedom to follow her call in ways that would at least be much harder otherwise.
Last is an ideological perspective I think. I think that the world will be a better place with more female clergy and if I'm going to have kids (adopted or not) I want to be a part of making the world a better place for them to live in. Thus, even though "church" was a dirty word growing up, I can plainly see that MBCW is making the world a better place to live through her work and like all the "pastors wives" that came before me , I'm going to help make that happen.
IT sounds like at the place your husband is currently in that the real test will come when you go to seminary and start being challenged in ways that you haven't predicted.
A real challenge to your sense of calling (no matter what profession you go into) is one of the most paralyzing things that can happen to a person. It's one of those things that can stunt your natural growth.
It sounds like for you to do this that both you and your husband have to be willing to face your demons. Perhaps these demons are some of the things that brought both of you together in the first place. If that's true, then you'll be doing the very hard task of re-evaluating some of the foundations of your relationship.
I'll be praying for ya sister.
PH
Hi Grace-thing,
I have been an Episcopal priest for almost 10 years now. Hard to beleive. But way back when i first started thinking and discerning all fo this my husband, former RC, was (well to say freaked out is an understatment...you know the whole priest celebate issue)....anyway...we got over that one.
I just knew I had to proceed with the discernment process. And the Episcopal Church puts in place an entire discernment process which really helps...by the time I had gone through the parish discernment and the COM discernment weekend my husband was totally on board. I mean he needed time to discern also and the process gave him time to (as I say, get on with what the Holy Spirit was saying and doing, he was just a little slow...)...(But then I can be a little impulsive)...
anyway. Have you talked to your priest? Have you arranged for a parish discernment committee? I mean maybe you have blogged about all this and I'm jumping in mid stream. But...I suggest you consider speaking to your parish priest and work toward establishing a parish based discernment committee. This committe works with you once a week or once a month for six months or so, listening to you articulate your call and helping you understand if your call is lay or ordained, deacon or priest. That time of discernment will be good for your husband as well, he too will be discerning.
It is not easy for husbands. For all sorts of reason. Who knows what is going on with yours. But I do trust the Holy Spirit. She works in mysterious ways and, well, if you are called to ordained ministry, she will work with you and yours.
That is not to say that all will be easy. Like Mrs. M I had my fair share of "problems" with the process. But I survived them all and got ordained. And I know that I am doing what God has called me to do.
I hope you find folks to listen to your call who can guide you and support you until your husband is able. Like I said, my husband came along slowly, but now - we are a team!
My prayers are with you. Please let me know how things are coming along...
Thanks so much mrs m, mompriest and pastor's husband. I really appreciate your words.
Just give it time, loving time. No one likes change, especially those who watch others change. Feels too scary.
Thinking of you.
Hi Grace-thing...the one thing I can add (as a still newbie priest in the Church of England, just beginning to look around for my first solo post after 3 years of curacy) is that it's so so so worth sorting out your husband's ambiguities and reservations at this end of the process. I underestimated the impact of the whole on mine, trained locally part-time (so I carried on with my secular job right through till ordination) and because of this I suspect he didn't really belive things would feel that different post ordination, as I'd been a Lay Minister at our church for 10 years already. Of course, everything changed - and some issues have arisen which it would have been far better to deal with in advance, though I suspect he was in denial about his feelings as much as about my ordination. I get the impression that rather more attention is paid to family issues in the discernment process on your side of the Pond, and that's something to rejoice in...Blessings on you as you explore. Keep us posted.
I was already on the ordination track when I met and married my husband, so he knew what he was getting? Or did he? These first few years have been challenging. Lots of counseling.
One thing that might help your husband is that, at least in my experience, a pastor enjoys a great deal of flexibility in her schedule. For instance, I rarely miss anything that my children are particpating in: plays, music programs etc. Evenings are tough with meetings, but I have, so far, been successful in keeping evening meetings to no more than 2 a week. It may be different in the Episcopal Church.
I'm praying for you. Don't be discouraged!
Thanks, Iris.
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