Why do I feel like I'm repeating myself? Oh, but I must get it out. There's no way I'll be able to sleep unless I express these thoughts in some way. So the date of my first discernment meeting is fast approaching. Why does the you-know-what always hit the fan at the last and least convenient moment? I mean, I know I've been voicing these thoughts for some time, but still. Maybe the reality is sinking in. My Husband and I (mostly husband) have issues with our church. Who doesn't have issues with their church? It actually bugs me when people are too judgmental of their churches. There is no perfect church. And my point to my husband was that if he invested himself more in the life of the community, it might transform Sunday mornings for him and make them more meaningful. But his views echo mine, I'm afraid, even though I'm able to transcend them a lot of the time because I love all the programs and the people and the idea of our church. But the leadership is SO uninspired. The two priests stand up at the altar with their hands in their pockets and make inside jokes during the hymns. (okay, I exaggerate...a little). The rector could care less about the Bible, seriously. If he says "big tent" one more time in reference to the Christian Faith I'll throw my hymnal at him. YES, we must be inclusive, but are there no standards whatsoever? Is there absolutely no structure? All he cares about is social justice. Which is so so so so important and a major part of Jesus' message...but there is more. And so my main angst right now is: is it okay, is it a good idea, to begin discernment in a parish that would become my sponsoring parish when I feel so ambivalent about its leadership? My husband is talking about wanting to visit other churches and I exploded at him asking him to be a little more sensitive to where I am in my process...and yes I agree with him, but hello, I'm finally having the guts to start this and now it's all going to go out the window? But he has a good point. It wouldn't be going anywhere, it would just shift and perhaps to a deeper level of honesty in myself. But the thought of starting over again...
I received comments in my last post about my doubts about being in the right denomination. I know that denominations are personal and arbitrary and that what matters is our walk with God, but when you're considering being a leader in the church, denomination means a lot...especially when you feel ambivalent about the choice...and not really that loyal...and when the worship feels dead in your own particular church. I LOVE how progressive our church is and it has challenged and deepened my faith by leaps and bounds. But it's all about pushing the envelope as far as possible...where does that leave me? I feel adrift and unsure what to believe.
Sleepless Somewhere on the California Coast,
Grace-Thing
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8 comments:
My thoughts for you about this are:
1. Share with both of your priests how you feel. (I'd want to know)
2. Describe to them how they appear at the altar on Sunday. (OMG!!!)
3. Ask for more inspiring worship. Worship is THE place where we are all one, where seekers meet us and we them, and where we come to be in the presence of God, to be renewed in our faith, so we can do social justice. Worship ought to be awesome! (I mean really, it's the Episcopal Church, we are supposed to be known for our FINE liturgy...yeesh)...
4. Offer to help plan worship.
5. Proceed forward with your discernment committee. Just do it and see where it goes. This will be part of your overall discerning. Share with them honestly how you feel about everything. That's what they are there for. Now, maybe not the first session, but over time.
6. Visit other churches. Maybe once a month go some place else. Give yourself permission to discern on all levels.
7. Talking with your priests about what you are experiencing will be very telling. First of all it is about your integrity, you need to share with them since they have formed this committee for you. But secondly, it is about their integrity - will they hear you or be defensive?
Hang in there grace-thing. It's ok. breath. pray. trust that the Spirit is indeed leading you. Maybe just for more commitment and clarity where you are (ECUSA) or to where you need to be.
Oh, and if your husband needs one kind of church and you another, that can be ok too. I know lots of clergy whose husbands worship elsewhere or not at all. Sometimes it's even healthier for the marriage...
((grace-thing)) holding you in prayer.
Thank you, Mompriest, for being a voice of wisdom and encouragement for me. Good advice.
You're welcome. I hope you don't mind these unsolicited suggestions...keep me posted on how things evolve.
No, I don't mind, Mompriest. I was hoping you'd offer some words of guidance.
Ok, glad I interpreted correctly...
yeah, I like social justice too, but if it's not connected with a personal spirituality, it just becomes politics, and that's NOT as inspiring.
I like your comments. the church needs people like you.
and, also, do what mompriest says.
AMEN! Dang, I wish we could get a cup of coffee together. I'm experiencing a lot of the same things.
I'd love to have a cup of coffee with you, Mrs. M. Oh well. Here's to a cyber cup of coffee. Hmmm...maybe we should invite HotCup :)
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