Saturday, April 12, 2008
Waxing and Waning
Feeling overwhelmed today. My discernment seems to be a constant swing of the pendulum between trust/inner knowing that I'm on the right path, and doubt and insecurity. I know this is normal to some extent. Yesterday at a party, Husband was asked for the first time by someone in public: "How do YOU feel about all this?" He gave a thoughtful, honest answer, but it made my heart sink. I thought he was further along in being okay with all this. He's okay with me being in the process. But not really that okay with me being a priest. Luckily, ordination (if it happens) is years and years away, since I'd probably take seminary part time. So I need to take a deep breath and just love him and be thankful that there is time. And often, he's only reflecting the doubt and insecurity he sees in me. It's so strange how one day I feel so sure about this path, and other days I think I've got it all wrong. sigh. Can someone be a good priest who isn't very administratively gifted? I'm not the priest-in-charge type. I'd probably make a great associate. Or a priest on staff at a really big church. I'm a great collaborator. I have vision and creativity and the ability to carry it out, but not alone. I get overwhelmed quite easily and Husband is worried I'd be in a constant state of stress and bring it home to the family...
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6 comments:
We all have our strengths and gifts and limitations...not all of us are gifted administrators....what is more important is that we know our "growing" edges and understand how to work with them - like if you are not good at administration make sure you have a good parish administrator who is....and you work on a larger staff...well, prayers continue for clarity of discernment and confidence where ever it takes you...
That's a very real concern. In fact, my husband and I just got into a big fight over that very thing today. However, the flexibility of the job makes up for a lot of it.
I hope the overwhelmed feeling doesn't stick around too long.
Also good we aren't working without a net :) and that it is a process in which we get to explore all of those bits and pieces....prayers continue for you.
you never stop doubting and never stop believing, either...
Prayers for you. Take care and be gentle with yourself.
big ol' hugs to you, grace.
(Out of curiousity, and not to discourage anything, just to broaden possibilities, have you thought about the diaconate? To be clear, I don't think one outranks the other, but they're a little bit different.)
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