As I write...

As I write, my husband is meeting with my discernment committee. This is weird. But so good. Right now, they're all talking about...me. About my deepest dream. Feels scary. And feels right. I'm glad that he has a chance to ask questions, to share honestly about all this. But this is weird to not be part of the discussion...to not hear what everyone is saying is kind of killing me, but I know it's all good.

Tomorrow night we're celebrating our 9th anniversary and I'm surprising him by taking him to a fun camping spot...but not really camping...it's a cool safari-like yurt in a canyon by the beach and they bring you a barbecue kit with chicken and s'mores for dessert that you cook over the fire. Should be fun!! This will be the first time a babysitter stays overnight with the girls. (that is, someone who isn't a grandparent) Hope all goes well.

I need a role model. I mean, I have many many wonderful role models at Revgals, but I crave to know someone who has been in my spot...someone my age with kids the same age. I'd also love to hear other vocations of priesthood that aren't the typical parish priest full time model.

And what exactly does a deacon do? I know that the diaconate is an option, but I am quick to dismiss it because I feel that the priesthood is where I belong, but I can't dismiss it without knowing more. I just don't know any deacons. There aren't any in my church. At least, not that I know of.

Been reading a lot of interesting books lately: How (not) to Speak of God by Peter Rollins. Very interesting. I'm quite intrigued by this whole "emergent conversation". And also What does a Progressive Christian Believe by Delwin Brown. Annoying title, but it's proven to be a good read.

Haven't blogged much. I'm just feeling acutely aware of my shortcomings lately. I know this is growth and that it's okay, but I'm ready to get out of this phase.

Day 8

So much for blogging every day. Oh well.

I'm hanging in there. Just had the sweetest bed time with the girls. We sang (one at the top of her lungs) a lullaby my mom taught them: May you always walk in sunshine, slumber warm when night winds blow. May you always live with laughter for a smile becomes you so, etc.

My brother came to stay over last night to "help out" and keep me company and he proceeded to get fall down drunk. sigh. He is getting worse. I'm not letting him stay over ever again. Unless he gets himself into recovery. I've been going to Al-Anon (for relatives of alcoholics)...both for how to deal with my brother, but also since I was raised in an alcoholic home and have some patterns I'm trying to change. This really is a time of growth and sometimes painful introspection. But I know it's all towards wholeness, healing and authenticity. And good parenting.

My sunflowers are already peeking their sprouts above the soil. That was fast!! Very satisfying.

Day Three

Okay, so I'm feeling a little sheepish. For those of you reading this who are single parents, you're probably rolling your eyes. Perhaps it seems I'm making a big deal about having two weeks on my own, when many women are in this situation every day. But I'm not used to it, okay? AND, they're 3 and 5, neither of whom is in school.

Okay. I'm done. I was just feeling a little defensive. (Even though I'm not even responding to anyone). I'm silly.

My mom is here with me for 3 days. It's funny...now that I have company, I'm back to my old martyr shenanigans. I was stronger and more positive when I was on my own and had no one to complain to. interesting.

My older daughter has been getting up at dawn lately. I put a digital clock in her room and told her not to come out until the clock read 6 -3 - 0. She came into my room this morning and asked, "Mommy, what does 5-4-5 mean? (sigh)

I'm so excited about Obama!!!

My husband called me tonight from the top of the Empire State Building. Wow!

Good night.

Day Two

Feelin a little tired. Highlights of the day:
Releasing ladybugs into our garden at dusk with the girls. Umm...I think I released too many. It's teeming right now and a little scary. They supposedly eat the harmful pests. We shall see.

Having a picnic with my youngest at a park, watching turtles swim and huge kobe fish go by.

Watching my eldest learn to swim! She swims! So amazing to me.

Feeling centered enough to not lose my patience during one of their many spats.

So, all in all, a good day. With wonderful moments interspersed with expected tensions.

I don't feel very loquacious tonight.

'night.

Day One

Okay, just to make me a more consistent blogger, and because I have more time at night since hubby is away, I am committing to writing one entry for every 14 days I'm on my own with the girls. Just for kicks.

So, today went pretty well. Full of good stuff! Church this morning, then dropped the girls off for a playdate and I went with my friend to a local recording studio in town that offers free 20 minute recording sessions once a month. We recorded a favorite song and had a blast. Mind you, the result is far from stellar, but it was so much fun to sing and get it on a cd.

Then put the wee one down for a nap and my older one and I began planting a mini vegetable garden. Fun! We'll see if anything grows.

Talked to hubby and he is safely in NYC, happy as a clam.

I'd been having huge mood swings before he left. Glad he's gone so I can get on with this and now I'm excited for the two weeks and gee, he'd sure like me a lot better now. We've been married 9 years and we're at a point where things are just way too comfortable. I know this is natural, but I still struggle to be my best self with him. It seems lately I've been my worst. So right now (I know, I'll be singing a different tune come Day 10) I'm looking at these two weeks as a gift. How am I different with the girls when it's just me every day? How am I at home, in my everyday tasks. So far, I've been WAY more on top of things with him gone. But again, that's natural since I have to be now.

All for now. Bonne nuit.