mixed messages

Well, I'm home from my hour meeting with my priest. It went well, in that I was myself and answered his questions honestly. Which is actually an accomplishment for me. And I know that I look WAY too much to other people to tell me what to do, but I'm still confused. On one hand, he was assuming I was headed (eventually) for seminary. And on the other hand, he asked if I'd read Countryman's book Living on the Border of the Holy, which of course is one of my favorite books, BUT it emphasizes the priesthood of all and is an advocate for the priesthood of the laity. We spent the first half of our time together talking about logistics...that a local seminary with a commuter program would actually be a possibility for me since it meets only one weekend a month...a Friday night and a Saturday day. So that is totally do-able. Then I asked him about finding a spiritual director. He thinks it should probably be an ordained woman and that made me really happy. Someone who has gone through all that and is on that side of things. At least it will be someone who was asked "Why be ordained" and was able to answer it, or become ordained anyway. But then, at the very end I asked him about the discernment committee and that I was afraid you had to be sure of your call before you started because it seems to be a defense of call in committee, rather than a prayerful exploration. But he said no, that at first it's discerning what God is doing in me, then if it becomes clear that it's to ordained ministry, then the discernment committee at that time, switches its focus. That makes sense and makes me want to jump in right now. He would not give me anything. It has to come from me, dammit. He did say he suspects I'll be like Nora Gallagher (author of Practicing Resurrection, a great book about her journey in discernment) who had to consider it really seriously and dive in, before she knew that it wasn't right. He's right. That is me. The only thing he offered was that if we were still having this conversation in 5 years, then that would be really sad. I agree, but what did he mean? Was he saying, c'mon, dive in. But when you're ready. But get ready! Yes, I think that's what he was saying. But HE suggested ordination to two other folks...he suggested it before they did. I guess I just want him to push me. But he's not sure. I'm not sure. Then, at the very end he brought up this annoying job that the church is trying to fill. And he asked me if I'd consider taking it. No! Horrible job. But now I feel bad not taking it. They need someone. Then he said no problem and said he just had to ask, but could I at least pray that the church finds the right person, that I have a vested interest in it since I'm going to be a clerical...seriously, it was a total slip of the tongue, then he changed the subject. So anyway...I guess I just wish he had talked a bit more about my work on the Lenten series...but I didn't even bring that up. I'm supposed to consider some of the names for spiritual directors...the one he is seriously considering for me is not ordained and is a strong advocate for lay ministry. I don't know if that would be good for me. Not now. Maybe later if I realize ordination is not for me. But right now I need someone who has actually gone through that process, who wanted to, who believes in it. Anyway, going to an avant-garde production of the Tempest tonight, then a party afterwards. Should be fun. I'm all be-fuddled. It will take my mind off this. He had me pray at the end and I mumbled something about following God and he said, "May following Jesus be fun." Amen.