Friday, July 27, 2007
Discernment Panic
Okay, just had a sobering conversation with someone else from my church going through the discernment process. Jeez! I need to get my stuff together. I have this trust in the process, because without that trust I'd be in a complete panic frenzy. I just keep clinging to the strong sense of call I have and that God is leading me. But got to be realistic...I am going to be TESTED and grilled and I'm still so unsure about the nature of my vocational calling...I'm so unsure and I like to envision discernment as DISCERNMENT and not PROOF and DEFENDING but exploring and envisioning in community. But I need to be able to articulate and claim my sense of call. My biggest fear is that I won't be able to articulate my feelings and my sense. It still feels blurry and so very slowly coming into focus. Does this mean that it's too early to do the official discernment committee? I've been waiting for a while now, in the hope that my vision would sharpen, but finally I decided the only way for it to sharpen is to allow the committee to help me. But I'm afraid it will be the third degree and that I'll crumble under the pressure. I am not convinced I should become ordained. I just have this very strong pull and yearning and dream that I've had since I was a little girl. I have gifts that could be used as a priest. But they can be used elsewhere. Do I HAVE to become ordained? No. Do I have to pretend I'm more sure than I am? In a sense, I AM more sure than I let on, even to myself. It's just hard for me to say it out loud to others. To "sell" myself as an obvious choice for the priesthood. I have so many misgivings, how honest can I be? Really, as I strive for authenticity and forthrightnes and honesty in my life, I have to be honest with the committee. It's my only way forward, but I have to have the guts to say that I'd be a damn good priest. Just feeling nervous as the first meeting approaches (in September, I think). It feels like this is my one shot and what if I mess it up? I can get in my own way, and in the Spirit's way, sometimes.
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7 comments:
Ok. First. Take a deep breath. Then. Continue to trust the Spirit. Now. Regarding the discernmenr committee. A good committee is designed to help you work through the discernement process. This does not mean you have to have, at this point in time, a clear articulation of your "call". What it means is that you are willing to believe that God is calling you, somehow, someway,... and that in believing that God is calling you, and you too think you are called.
Now at some point you may need to articulate your sense of call in a more definitive capacity: such as; "I believe I am called to be a parish priest because God wants me to...."...or what ever.
But in the meantime, while you work with your discernment committee, trust the process. Pray. Ponder. Allow room for the Spirit. Don't think you have to have a concise well articulate "call." (Because that will never really come...although at some point you may have to speak as though you have that sense - at least for the "moment.")
Also. Every discernment process and discernment "team" is different. So, just because one person describes it a certain way, or experiences it in a certain way, doesn't mean that it will that way for you....
Breath. Trust. Speak the "truth" as you know it. Breath. Trust.
The Holy Spirit always works...
Thank you, mompriest. Thank you. Breath.
I'm praying for you as you take your first steps in this process. You are incredibly thoughtful and have such a depth of theological understanding that I think that you're going to knock their socks off! And yes, please do breath!
I agree, breathe and trust. God keeps the promise to give us the words to say ... and to lead the way (usually much more smoothly and effortlessly than we can imagine)
Grace thing, fwiw, I blew it the first time round.The system is different here:.no local discernment committee,-you see the diocesan vocations officer, then have diocesan interviews, then bishop, then national selection conference...and my first time I sailed through all the diocesan stuff and the national conference said "No way..." and wrote a report that seemed to be about someone that neither I nor the diocese recognised....BUT while I was at that conference, my vocation became much much clearer and more solid, so that when they said "No" I just knew it wasn't the end of the story.(help!..have I told you this before? apologies if I have...it's my age...)Went back 2 years later with a very different response...but all through the waiting time I KNEW, so when the Bishop phoned the second time and said I had been recommended for training there were no fireworks, no champagne, just a sense that this was right and a deep calm.
It WILL be OK...even if the ride is bumpy.
Blessings x
I love all you guys.
I am not Episcopalian, so I cannot comment to that process. I was in the process in the United Methodist Church. I had been commissioned as a probationary elder. I was one year from writing my ordination papers.
Then things went south. I found myself "discontinued" from the process. It hurt, like hell, but I had the wonderful gift of a woman who had been in the UMC, and was unable to continue there. She is an United Church of Christ pastor.
Very gently, she welcomed me, led me to an open and affirming church, and on July 15 of this year, I was ordained in the UCC. Only a year after I would have been ordained in the UMC.
The ordination was beautiful. Clergy men and women from a variety of denominations, multiracial, straight and gay laid hands on me as the congregation affirmed: "She is worthy! Ordain her!"
Be faithful to your God, to your call. Know in your heart who you are.
You are worthy.
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