Well last night went well. I'm just so glad that first meeting is over and done with! And the group is such a great group!! Great dynamic, great diversity. There is one person who I can already tell is going to really push me, but in a very good way as long as I don't have too thin a skin. The most fun part of the evening was its beginning....before I even got to church. Granted, I was feeling very vulnerable and open, but it was as if the Spirit made a point of showing me she was with me. The hot Santa Ana winds were blowing fiercely and this always makes the air feel full of possibility. I left home with a little time to spare and drove to a favorite spot in the city, overlooking the hills and ocean beyond...the moon was out...it was so peaceful. I listened to a favorite song about feeling God all around...and it felt so true. This is a funny yet spooky detail. I got to church and met up with one of the committee members....the one I know the best. And as we approached the church doors, they just opened for us, I kid you not, like a hydraulic system or something. Very funny.
ANYWAY, it was a good beginning, overall, if a bit awkward at first. None of us knew how to proceed, since we're starting without any kind of structure. We're going to take some time before we dive into the official diocesan process. I was advised to just show up and let the others who have been on discernment committees before guide the meeting, but everyone kept looking to me to be the leader. It's funny because normally I rise to the occasion and even over prepare when I'm expected to lead a meeting. But because last night was about me and because there were so many unknowns going into it, I was unprepared to lead it. One man said, "We're taking our cues from you. What do YOU want from us?" Hmmm...damn good question. And it was a hard one to answer. But I was able to be myself, truly. I felt naked and it felt as though I were throwing caution to the wind. I could have been much more calculated in my responses, but as it should be, I am choosing to be completely honest. It's the only way forward. At some point, I'm going to have to claim this more and tell the committee what I want. But it's hard to claim things that absolutely. The same man looked straight at me and said, "you know what you want." But I'm not so sure. Or maybe I'm deluding myself. I do know I want to be a priest. I'm not so sure I want to have my own church. I do know I'm gifted pastorally, and that I think that being ordained would open doors otherwise closed. I kind of feel like I just am a priest. But this whole process intimidates me. I know I want to go to seminary and I believe that it is there where I will sharpen my SENSE of call. So in the meantime, I'll just put one foot in front of the other and try to be brave and claim outwardly to them what I can. Our next meeting we'll be talking about "call". I sense that one member in the group feels it's very important that a postulant have a strong "calling." This is a tricky word. It just feels so arrogant and certain. But I cannot deny my experience of being pulled in a very strong way. It's just hard to say that I feel I'm being called to the priesthood. I have a very hard time saying that. Anyway, thank you for your prayers and encouragement. Regardless of outcome, this will prove to be an amazing experience. I am so honored that these 5 people are willing to spend their time and energy helping me.
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13 comments:
I so identify with your words about the struggle to actually say
"I feel called to the priesthood"
and remember seeing the words as something solid that would lie on the carpet in front of me if I once let them out of my mouth when my ordination journey began.
So glad this first stage was good for you. The whole process is so very different here - it's exciting to read your account and to look forward to travelling alongside you, albeit from a distance.
Blessings
This sounds like a challenging (but bracing) process. continued prayers, and will be fascinating to learn about your process/progress.
I know what you mean about coming right out and "saying" you have a call.
In my church we have a distinction between the "inner" call and the "outward" call, which is the call of the Church. I don't know if this makes sense.
can you elaborate a little, Diane? I'm trying to wrap my mind around this distinction but not quite getting there.
well, I know when we have to fill out our "papers" describing our "sense of call" we always have to rate which is more important to us, the "inward" call or the "outward" call.
The inward is that tug you speak of, I believe that the outward is the confirmation that the church gives in many ways of our call -- e.g., acceptance for study at seminary (a person's home congregation vouches for them, and a pastor recommends them). That's a call that comes from outside, someone else say, "I think you would be a good pastor."
But ultimately, the "outward call" in my tradition (I think) is when a congregation calls you to be their pastor. In my tradition, a pastor can't be ordained unless a congregation calls her. So that's an outward call, too, literally.
So, I can say I feel called to be a pastor, but if a congregation doesn't call me to be their pastor, I will not be one.
Does this make sense?
Yes, this makes sense. Thank you, Diane! But one question...what if you seek ordination for a type of ministry that is NOT congregation based...ie. hospital chaplain or college chaplain, etc. In your tradition, can you only be ordained if you plan on leading a church? Just wondering...I find this all fascinating and helpful.
Grace,
In TEC, the ordination question re: parish ministry vs. non-parish ministry can be very tricky. It's something to talk to your rector and your bishop about. You *can* be ordained and go on to chaplaincy, but there are some higher-ups who believe that priesthood must be parish-based. (It's something I'm dodging right now, actually).
I'm so glad your meeting went well. Your post was a little hard to read, as frustrated as I've been. I'm really so pleased for you, though.
In my diocese there is a huge emphasis on encouraging people to seek creative ways of being priest. We have many churches needing part time priests, so ordaining people who are willing to work either part time or in two jobs (one as parish priest one as something else, hospital chaplain, etc), is strongly considered. HOwever the people doing the listening and discerning are often still lookingfor that parish priesthood model. And that model is still very bound by the male, "Father" image of priesthood. This model, when articulated, sounds different than the way many women are articulating a call. Women often speak of ministry as relational, mutual, empowering, Christian formation, etc. Men speak of ministry as programatic and/or servanthood.
Also, many hospitals, and the professional organizations for hospital chaplains, are requiring their chaplains to be ordained. It used to be that one could function as a chaplain regardless of ordination. Not so anymore.
All this is to say that it is critical that women feel secure and confident in proclaiming a call to ordained ministry that is not bound by full time parish ministry.
That said, I happen to think that any ordained ministry is made more rich and full by having an "altar" to preside at and a pulpit from which to preach. But that can be accomplished by being a part-time assistant - or even an unpaid (nonstipendary) priest "helping" out on some consistent basis at a small church. As a solo pastor I would give anything for a colleague, not that I can pay that person, but I would love the collegiality and would willingly share the worship leadership. And I can do so being grateful and mindful that the other priest has a paying job elsewhere.
Anyway, I'm getting long-winded here. I'm glad your first meeting went well.
Continue to trust your call even as it feels difficult to name it as "priest." Some folks really want something concrete, but I suspect that when we continue to let the Spirit guide us and help us in our praying (and our speaking) - as Paul says, "when I do not know how to pray the Spirit intercedes with sighs to loud for words" (Romans 8th chapter). This verse was my constant prayer through my discernment. I trusted it and found it to be trustworthy.
Prayers and blessings for your and mrs. m as you navigate this time.
I have gotten behind on my blog-reads....I am so happy to hear the first meeting went well. I so remember that moment hearing myself say those words, CLAIM those words for the first time, scary, wonderful, overwhelming, humbling.... your honesty and ability to be authentic and present is very wonderful. Good to be on this journey with you.
Mompriest, I find your words very empowering. Thank you. And thank you all for your words and prayers.
I'm so glad your first meeting went well. I moderate the committee in my Presbytery that is in charge of those in the ordination process. At least for us, we want those who are early in the process, like you, to work on articulating a sense of call that necessitates ordination to the particular office of, in your case, priest. We are all called as Christians, but how do you understand your sense of call? Whay has been your expereice of call? How has this call been affirmed by others in your faith community? It's not arrogant to speak of these things. It's exciting to witness to what God is doing!
This link http://www.pcusa.org/prep4min/pdf/considering_call.pdf might be helpful to you. H. Richard Niebuhr wrote about the different "calls;" 1)the call to be a Christian, 2) the "secret" call; 3) the providential call and 4) the ecclessiatical call. It's helpful to a lot of our inquirers in their discernment.
Sorry to hijack your blog! God bless!
Thanks, Iris. I'll check out this link.
Oh, I'm so glad that the first meeting went well and that people sound kind (my discernment group was not a very productive experience--but, hey, it got me where I am today even though not where I hoped then).
I will keep you in prayer as you enter into this exciting and challenging time.
grace-thing, In my tradition, there is a very strong emphasis on parish ministry, at least for the beginning. I'm not sure if it's still so, but I know when I was in seminary the idea was you had to serve a parish, even for a little while, before you could be "called" to specialized ministry, which included chaplaincy, teaching, and other creative ministries.
There were also people who felt very strongly that this shouldn't be the case, that people could be called to a specialized ministry, such as chaplaincy. I don't know what the current situation is.
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