This I Believe

Have any of you ever heard the NPR "This I believe" stories? I'm in a small group and our leader suggested that we write our own "This I believe" statements. It's quite an exercise. Might some of you try it on your blogs? If you do, let me know! Here's mine:

This I Believe

I believe in God. I have since I was a little girl. As far back as I can remember I have been aware of a loving presence inside me, in the eyes and words of other people, and in the hugeness and beauty of nature. When I was 10 years old, my grandfather died. It was that week that I was supposed to go to my first sleep-away camp in the mountains. I can’t remember if I wanted to go. I know that I had to miss the funeral. But I went. I’m not sure if my parents agonized over this decision, but there I was, up in the mountains for one week with lots of other 4th graders. I was sad and lonely and confused. But it was the first time I slept under the stars. I remember staring up at the pine-infused black night sky, covered with stars – such a contrast to the sky of my city childhood. I was awe-struck and full of wonder and questions. We sat around a campfire every night and sang cheesy Christian songs. But I loved it. “Spirit of the Living God, fall a-fresh on me. Mold me, fill me, use me”. I so remember this song, and the sign language that went along with it. I felt the Holy Spirit with me those nights...present in the night air, in the gathering around the campfire, in the sweet off-key lilt of the children’s voices. And at the end of one of these evenings, the head camp counselor invited anyone who wanted to ask Jesus into their hearts to stay after. Writing this now, I cringe. This theology freaks me out. But I felt a pull and a curiosity and something kept me seated on that log bench, even though it drew snickers from my friends. I remember my counselor leading me to a large flat rock in the shadows, under the stars and we prayed for Jesus to enter my heart. I think I hoped something big would happen, or that I’d at least feel some kind of flicker inside me. But nothing. Just the prayer and then off to bed. I remember being confused that I had to ask Jesus. Wasn’t he there already? What would keep him away? Well...I no longer believe in the need to say the right words for God to be with me. But I do believe something shifted in me that night...if for no other reason than that night has always stayed in my memory in a very potent way. I do believe in Jesus as a living present reality active in our world. I believe he was God incarnated in a human person, and not just a man fully infused with God. I believe something cosmic shifted with his birth, death and resurrection. I pretty much believe in the Nicene Creed, as it exists in the realm of poetry, of attempting to put words to great mysteries that can never be explained by words. I believe that all matter is inherently good. I believe that there is true power in the Bible, even though it is flawed and full of human stuff. I believe there is power in actually saying the words of the Gospel, beyond our understanding. I believe we’re all priests and that God calls each of us in different ways. I believe that God does act in our lives...that She gets down in the nitty gritty and does things. I believe the Eucharist is the heartbeat of what we do as a community of faith. I believe I’m sounding rather boring and religious and obnoxious. I believe in the church...in its ability to do great good and healing and exploring and reconciling and storytelling and feeding and encouraging. Besides this, I believe that the most important thing we can do as parents is to stay in love with our kids. I believe that guacamole is the best food on the planet. A close second is linguine with melted brie, basil, garlic and tomatoes. A close third is warm sour dough bread fresh out of the oven smeared with butter. I believe in the light and hope I see in my two daughters’ eyes. And at the end of the day, I believe that all will be well. That all is not well, but that all will be well. That it really is all right. And even though I’m trying to claim my own thoughts and express them without fear, I must end with a quote from my love Madeleine L’Engle: “I mean these words. I do not understand them, but I mean them. Perhaps one day I will find out what I mean. They are behind everything, the cooking of meals, walking the dogs, talking with the girls. I may never find out with my intellectual self what I mean, but if I am given enough glimpses perhaps these will add up to enough so that my heart will understand. It does not; not yet.”