Just some scenes from my life I want to share:
The other day, at the end of my first spiritual direction meeting, my 80-something spiritual director led me to the door and said, "Go get 'em!" I loved this. How cute is this?
Last night, I woke up around 2am and had to squint my eyes because the full moon was shining through my window so brightly...so luminous, so BRIGHT. It took my sleepy breath away. It was stunning. Such an odd thing to wake to such moonlight. I found myself bathed in this glorious light and sank back into my pillow in gratitude. It was like a hug from the universe. I think it's something about his time of year. This time of year the moon shines directly through those windows in the middle of the night. I forgot this. Because most of the time I'm sleeping. But it reminded me of the last time I noticed this. My youngest daughter was a newborn. And I remember going into her nursery to check on her, or probably nurse her, and seeing her teeny new body bathed in this glorious moonlight. I remember opening her curtains so that this moonlight would surround and bless her...
And on a completely different note, I'm afraid. I'm so afraid. You know what my biggest fear is right now? It feels silly typing this out. It's that I'm severely delusional regarding wanting to be a priest. I'm afraid there is a group of people at my church conspiring to break it to me that I have no business dreaming what I'm dreaming and that I really am not cut out to be a priest. There, I said it. It is this fear that keeps me from beginning official discernment. It is this fear that keeps me from articulating my dream as clearly as I could. But I AM articulating it. And I am making baby steps. But I'm so afraid still. How silly. But I just don't want to be foolish. sigh.
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5 comments:
I just found you through the Friday Five and I have enjoyed reading your last few posts. It sounds like your director will be an enormous blessing in your life.
Fear and foolishness? LOL. Adult life. (Said with a big smile.)
Oh Grace Thing...I'm afraid this may not be music to your ears, but even 3 years into ordained ministry, knowing full well whenever I preside at the Eucharist that this is completely and totally what I am FOR, I still have regular attacks of the "what happens when I'm found out, and everyone knows this was just a demented dream" syndrome.
But articulating the dream is not jut a tiny step but a huge one..I so remember the first time I shared the thought that I might be called with my vicar...the words were so solid they were almost visible there on the carpet between us and I both longed to take them back and rejoiced that they were there....
Grace-thing, you know that the process drives me crazy sometimes, but even I'll acknowledge that it's there so that you don't have to shoulder your worries about clear discernment on your own. Generally speaking, I think the church is too self-protecting to let anyone if they aren't confident that they're "fit for duty."
Darn, this might be the only time I've ever suggested that someone trust the process. In any event, it's not likely to be too lax!
I was going to write almost exactly what Kathryn wrote. I celebrted 5th anniversay of my ordination this last Friday and I still haven't shaken the negative self-talk of "what if they find out I'm not cut out for this?" or worse, "what if they already know that I'm not cut out for this?" My advisor in seminary told me that he still had thase feelings. I think that it's not entirely unhealthy, actually, because it reminds us that the Spirit is the one who calls us and equips us and we do fall flat on our faces when we try to go it alone.
These are good issues to pray about and discuss with your spiritual director. Don't let these feelings keep you from following your call.
LOL...at/with Mrs M...I so understand this "love-hate" relationship with "THE PROCESS."
I felt, for many years, like I would be "found out.." and I struggled a lot in my discerning process with being "good enough" or "qualified"...so. I think your feelings are "normal" and perhaps, as others have suggested, healthy. Keeps us looking at ourselves (self-examination) and also reminds us that this is God's work...Now, I've been ordained for seven years and I rarely feel that way - now I'm comfortable (if there is such a thing as that) with the authenticity of my call and ordination...now its more about am I a good enough priest...sigh...I guess it never ends. (generally speaking, women experience this more than men..., but that's a generality)...
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